This question had been nesting in my subconscious mind for the past couple of days (or even weeks).
What kept my head in the clouds?
Why was I unable to make a decision?
A subtle fear of the fear kept creeping in…
Desperately I was pushing myself.
Towards an answer.
I found myself trying to figure it all out.
Two days ago, spontaneously, I went to a writing meet-up.
During this meet-up called “Shut Up & Write” we dedicate one hour to focussed writing.
In the introduction round I was all fired-up. For the first time in a while I felt super excited about writing my heart out: “I will finally give it ago and do some stream of consciousness today.” I announced with a solar smile. I felt the urge to just hit the keyboard and go for it…
When the timer started, I was not able to finish even one sentence.
From one moment to the other I tensed up and could barely type a thing.
I started to reorganize some past writing – and I tensed up even more.
“What’s the point of all of that?”
The casual question for purpose made me close my laptop.
The next morning I had a conversation with my boyfriend. I was ruminating about career decisions and life in general.
He said: “While you think all these thoughts, watch your breath.”
“I am not breathing at all,” I countered with a trace of outrage.
“Right, if you look that closely at every moment you don’t have time to breathe – and you don’t experience the moment either. Just let it flow.”
He left me in awe.
Open-mouthedly I starred at the wall.
All of a sudden I understood what was missing the day before – at the writing meet-up… And all these previous days when I felt trapped in my own head – waiting for release that never comes.
The flow of breathe – not despite but united with my thoughts.
I took a breath and finally surrendered to the moment….