Like a monstrous burden anxiety suspends me from aliveness.
Sensory input turns into an impenetrable nebula. I can’t distinguish between me and the rest.
A painful transformation disrupts my being. My existence morphs into vacuum.
This time I don’t resist. I sit and breathe. There is only black. I stare into the nothingness.
Is this the beginning or the end?
A void is clearing my chest. The fated moment of surrender has arrived.
Something cracks with a bubbly sound. The next level is here. Subconsciousness ruptures into recognition. Presence reciprocates.
I thought I won’t make it. I thought opium would be the only tranquilizer for my perturbed brain.
But life has other plans. Effortlessly I’m peeling off the old layer. Experience updated its metaphysics.
Life had started again with a new sort of darkness.
The fear of creation – this nagging anxiety is paralyzing my synapses.
Black doubt clouds overcasting the bright sky of ideas.
Is there value in my words or am I lost in self-centeredness?
Is this the desperate attempt to find purpose or am I truly questioning?
What do you like about your suffering?
Time is money.
Time is flying.
Time is relative.
Time is just an illusion.
Time is space is time.
Time is killing me softly.
Time and time again.
Time is the enemy.
What’s the time?
The time is now.
Boooom – there it is: The here and now. The essence, synchronicity, timelessness – however you want to call or not call it. A sudden energy-flow captivates my body. Within a fraction of a second a harbouring warmth unfolds from my core. I breathe in and out. Something is bursting and broadening – all of a sudden I feel nothing but complete.
I ask myself, how could it NOT be there in the past as I’m obviously a part of it – a part of the omnipresent miracle of life. This staggering big soul revolving around itself within this universe. Nothing more and nothing less.
With eyes wide open I can actually see my surrounding. I can move within my full range of motion. I’m not alone. And I realise that the presence was right here all the time. E-V-E-R-Y S-I-N-G-L-E moment it was there. The “now” was just right here behind this heavy, dusty, filthy curtain of thoughts, doubts and hesitation.
Now the gloom of this insanity is lifting. From a place of fear I’m lifting off into my own power. From absence I launch into presence. The doubts are still there but they are crystal clear. If they narrow my field of view I can just look through them. They don’t define my reality anymore.
Life sent me on this quest. Now it reveals its secrets.
Every step, every struggle, every pain had a purpose. At the beginning I had no idea what this is all about. At the very beginning I didn’t even know that this was about something. “The mountain without the peak” seemed inapproachable.
Luckily life equipped me with tools: My breath is a mean of transport that conveys me to the present moment. With my feet I’m able to attempt the climb up the mountain without a peak – one step at a time. There is nothing else to do.
All of a sudden I realise “I am at the right place at the right time”. I always was. “I am working hard for my dreams.” I am actually fulfilling my dreams RIGHT NOW. And I have been fulfilling them since I left my first footstep. I thought I need to choose. I thought I need to decide. “I just have to work harder.” For what? There is nothing to achieve, because it is already there.
Without the slightest idea I catapult myself far out there. Violently and relentlessly. I keep facing the challenges. I keep resisting the temptation of loosing it. But going crazy is not an option. I roll. I fall. I’m moving on. That’s all. That’s what I’m here for.
I close my eyes. I let it happen. I surrender. There is no safety net, no false bottom. No, there is only the free fall, raw emotions – everything is out of my control. But the path towards the (no-)peak is here in front of me. How could I not see it?
The quest is the pursuit of happiness. The reward is the present moment.
Okay life – let’s do this.
Instead of playing hide and seek I’m accepting your challenges.
Instead of distracting myself I’m connecting with your energy as often as I can.
In a state of meditation I am minding my steps, my words and my actions.
But without hesitation I am acting out of consciousness instead of “re”-acting out of fear.
Yes, I throw myself out there. Out of the blue into the deep end.
The blur of my mind will vanish.
Life – I’m taking you in. I let you flow like the waves in the ocean and the clouds in the sky.
You won’t scare me anymore, because you gave me the power.
When I hit rock bottom you gonna lift me up again.
I’m making the most of it – sleepless nights, confusion and heartaches won’t drag me down.
No, I trust you one hundred percent.
Living life to the fullest means a life full of gratitude, full of trust and appreciation.
I commit life not suicide.
Sometimes there are these moments that only belong to me.
All of a sudden a burst of energy fills my chest.
A warm smile from the interior arises.
It is one of these moments, when everything feels right.
Life becomes bearable again. All the negativity vanishes in exhilaration.
Absence turns into awareness.
I arrive in the present moment while lifting off into the future of my own history.
Sometimes all we see are blind ends.
Instead of checking the map, we are dreaming about the destination.
Instead of adjusting our route, we remain paralyzed.
Our map is spaciously dimensioned for us.
Even if the tracks seem alarmingly narrow at times, all that is narrow is our mind.
We tip-toe in dread and doubt, but we truly wander in awe and admiration.
Drop the package.
Tie your shoes.
Free your mind.
And keep walking – light-heartedly, not heavy-headedly.
You are allowed to struggle.
You are allowed to scream.
You are allowed to cry.
But you are never allowed to give up.