It is nearly midnight. The chatterbox is rattling in my head. I’m revolving around my self-consciousness – far off from any real connection to my true self. An obscure nebula of uncertainty is surrounding me. Negative thoughts are traversing like thunderclouds. Anxiety is rolling over me like back-breaking waves. Sleep is beyond the bounds of possibility.
This is how I would describe my interior on a lonely night I experienced during my travels. I finished an intense video project at the cultural center of my friend at Camino de Santiago in Spain. I walked a couple of days. I met incredible people. Inspiring conversations changed my view. A whole trip full of life-changing events came to an end (If I find the time I will write about it on uliquitous.com).
The last days of this journey I spent in an airbnb flat next to the spectacular shore of Peniche at the coast of Portugal. I decided to let all my amazing experience sink a bit before I’m making my next move to Lisboa from where I flew back to Germany. These previous weeks were full of social interaction. All of a sudden I was alone in my head again – without any mission or entertainment. I felt a mix of contentment and gratitude because of all the blissful events of the past six weeks, but one night this feeling yield a cold emptiness.
When the suffering became unbearable, I remembered something I already proclaimed multiple times: “I’m not my thoughts”. Something inside of me rejuvenated. Controlled by an external force I lit a candle and sat down in front of it on the carpet. Automatically I settled in a lotus position and took one deep breath. Motionless I took one debreath after another until I could feel the tension releasing.
Heavy boulders tumbling down my body. Suddenly there an imaginary force is errecting my spine. An invisible connection is linking me between the ground and the sky. And there it was: This gap between me and my thoughts. For the very first time I could literally see my thoughts vanishing in front of me. The flame of the candle burnt them.
When the time was right I came back to reality. I felt refreshed and relieved. I was looking forward for a good nights sleep. All I could say was “Thank you.” I checked the time. 45 minutes had passed. I didn’t set any alarm.
This whole experience changed my perspective on meditation completely. In the past I thought there is something to “learn”, something to “do”. But it’s the opposite. During the past year my thoughts became a barrier for me, but during this night this barrier incurred a massive crack. And there it was: The drain for my thoughts! The off button for my chatterbox.
What do I do with it? Nothing. I will just sit and wait and I use every free minute to catch a glimpse of this crack in the wall.
“One day, suddenly, you will find a window opens, and a fresh breeze with new rays has filled your heart. Again, don’t commit the same mistake! Be thankful for what is happening, but don’t ask for more – more will be coming. Don’t ask, “Come again!” – your asking will become the barrier.”
Osho, “Learning to silence the mind – Wellness through meditation”
Every channel on receive. <3 life