Not to Write is Not an Option

Okay, I haven’t done much writing in the past couple of months. Why? Because it has lost it’s priority – temporarily: I have started a job with a content marketing agency which requires me to dig back into SEO and various other tasks. In addition to that I have accomplished a row of video editing jobs which took me by surprise by mid june.

So, prospectively I will be writing even more than ever before. Writing this down here makes me realize that this is quite an achievement! I am actually earning money with content writing for the first time in my life to be really accurate.

My inspirational flow for growthbuddy decelerated suddenly – for several reasons I guess:

Firstly because I had been working so much. Secondly: My life and my spiritual health had experienced a major uplift – so, I didn’t really know what to write about after getting out of such a deep valley of darkness.

I have stuff to do at the moment. For the first time in my life the heavy weights on my shoulders are not dragging me down to the underworld anymore, but they actually anchor me in the ground.

I have to admit: I loved working as hard as I did in the last weeks – even though it was very stressful and sometimes I felt exhausted to the bones…

After not doing ‘real’ work in a long time I felt finally reinvigorated and in some way reintegrated – into society. (I didn’t imagine I would say something like this voluntarily.)

Even if I don’t want to admit it: I like that feeling.

I am officially growing roots! Some of you might rejoice in hope now, but I am not talking about settling down, haha. This is about an internal fundament, a settling of my values, a harvest of what I sowed in the past good seven years of self-discovery…

Okay, I didn’t find the time to indulge into the flowing river of my thoughts and my insights. And you know what? My head is exploding and my heart is bursting… I can not not write it all out.

It feels like a reservoir inside of me is filled to the brim – and the dam is about to break. It is not only a reservoir of ideas, but also of unprocessed emotions and experiences.

I realized something fundamental:

For me it is not okay to not write. I don’t know what exactly is pulling me but more and more I come to the acceptance that I have to write. It is part of my mission here. I am called to do so – like others are called to create a sanctuary for people in need or plant a communal garden. (You name it.)

I am called to write – even if there are doubts (massive doubts!) and downtimes.

It is the cure for my self-diagnosed ADHD. I don’t write despite my concentration deficit disorder – I write because of it. Writing forces me into focus. And it does so much more….

It helps me to filter. It helps me to manifest – not only my goals in the physical realm. It clarifies my thoughts. It clears my perception of reality. It changes my viewpoint. It makes me see things – at all or from a different angle.

I have to look at ideas from a different perspective by writing them down. I have to research. Sometimes I get lost in research and I find answers to questions that I didn’t know I had…

My writing forces me to learn nonstop.

And learning creates happiness within myself.
If I don’t write, I lose track.

Of course – periods of not writing are okay. They are even essential. I am also coming to some sort of ‘allowance’ in regards to longer writing breaks. There is no point in punishing myself or pushing myself beyond limits, because it ruins my creative flow as well as my mental and physical health… But at the same time, I need writing to maintain my spiritual health.

There are huge leaps taking place. I am invited into unfamiliar and often dark realms. What I discover there demands to be integrated into my experience on this earth.

What I have learnt over time is that this is my gift: I am discovering things that are scary and hard to comprehend for the soul that chose to incarnate here… By appreciating this gift I make writing less of a struggle.

Writing is my practice. It calms my nerves and makes sense of this whole life experience.

Do what you love.

 

Navigational Alignment

Trust your instincts – even if your mind is rebelling.
Take action – even though it scares the shit out of you.
Experiment fearlessly – no matter what the outcome might look like.
Move forward – even though you can’t see the road.
There is only the next step. Take it now.

 

Meeting Patience Halfway

“How to develop self-compassion?”

This question in itself imposes pressure on my already beat-up brain. I carried it along for quite some time. This morning the answer revealed itself to me. 

Today at 7:06 am I woke up slightly tense. 

When I opened my eyes my first thought led me to my to-do-list: I have a video edit to finish, some udemy course about content marketing to work through and of course a huge pile of unfinished articles that demand my attention.

“It is Sunday… Relax!,” one (not me) could say.

I can see the azure blue sky outside of my window. I was planning on going hiking today, but I dropped this plan, because of my to-do-list mentioned above.

Eventually I get out of bed. Mechanically I’m rolling out my yoga-mat, but I realize how much I am craving fresh air. I have to say luckily going for walks and runs in the morning became my non-negotiable habit during the pandemic. Otherwise I would have gone insane. And certainly I still find pleasure in it…

It is 8 am when I step outside the door. The sun is beaming so bright that I can barely see. I sigh with awe when I pass the huge chestnut tree in front of the house. Its white blossoms glow in front of a light green background. The first shiver of gratitude unleashes my chest…

It is more silent than usual. I don’t see a single car until I reach the entrance to a little natural reserve next to the railways of the suburban train close-by.

What used to be a freight yard is now protected territory in the middle of the city, reserved for the rare “blauflügelige Ödlandschrecke”. It still amazes me (and gives me hope) that a huge building project for a residential area was discarded to preserve the habitat of a cricket.

As I walk along the path I find myself completely alone, which is very unusual at this time of the day. Usually I meet at least one dog and its owner.

For a couple of minutes there is no sound but the wind in the aspen and the beech trees that frame the concrete path. (Sidenote: They erected a bridge-like path across the whole protected area in order to preserve the natural floor which is inhabited by all sorts of animals,  for example lizards and insects.)

I pause and for a moment I enjoy the silence. When I gaze towards the bushland around me I notice a small snail.

“What does her world look like?,” I think to myself and I feel my stress-levels dropping. I realize how blessed I am to be able to take in this beautiful morning – a golden hour.

…A few days back I thought to myself “What if I was there?”… “What if I was where I always wanted to be?”

“Your bar will always rise,” my boyfriend, who is a trained musician and definitely an artistic soul, reminds me on a regular basis witnessing my constant striving to be better.

I agree. I’m always waiting for the perfect thought. The final phrase that says it all. The sentence that makes every future word obsolete. 

Hahaha, writing this down here makes me laugh. Just hypothetically: What if I found it? What would I do afterwards? Would I stop writing and finally go sailing around the world? Would I start building a house and start a proper garden? I don’t know. Maybe.

I remember the day when I decided to start writing in English. My whole ‘writing endeavour’ began at the common area of Tasman Bay Backpackers, a wonderful hostel on the South Island of New Zealand

“You should write in English, so everybody you will meet along the way can read it.” – “Me? Writing in English?,” I countered with a sense of being ‘caught in the act’. It seemed impossible to me.

“Do you think you will learn it, if you don’t start?,” Vincenzo, the ‘Italian grumpy guy’, who generously shared his morning coffee with me, replied in his straight-forward manner…

Looking back at this moment in time in November 2015 gives me goosebumps. If somebody would have told me that I will have started another blog about personal development and have posted close to 200 articles by May 2021, I wouldn’t have believed it! 

And what got me here? The first step. And a lot of patience…

Back to the walk: When I saw this tiny snail amidst these bushes crawling towards her next destination (a dandelion:), I realized that I am exactly where I need to be at this very moment…

The other day I got triggered because a friend said to me: “If I were you, I would go to Italy.” She referred to my previous travels.  

I felt some resistance rising. Something inside of me always wants to travel, yes. But not right now. Right now I want to integrate everything that the past six years of nomad life had taught me. Only now, I understand how much my life had shifted and how the limitations of the past year had helped me to explore my needs…

I can’t deny it anymore. I grew. I learnt a ton. I planted seeds that keep growing – in my notebook and in my soul. They need time and compassion….

This morning the snail taught me that it is fine to have modest plans for the day. It is okay to not ‘make the most of it’. It is okay to do some work and chill in the park for the rest of the afternoon – or for the rest of my life, if this is what fills my cup.

I named the snail Patience.

Happy Sunday! 😉

 

How To Push Through Apathy

“Change doesn’t require motivation. It requires discipline.” I stumbled upon this quote by Mel Robbins and it hooked me. The past couple of weeks I have been struggling a lot – even though things are ‘getting better’ according to the general public, I have been confronted with a lot of anxiety, sadness and confusion.

Recently I have become impatient more often – not to say cranky, enraged or just plainly mad! Briefly: I’ve been doubting my sanity.

“How long can I handle this?” – It is easy to get stuck these days in a downward spiral.

On many occasions it was easier to not ‘do the work’. It was easier to blame the circumstances instead of taking responsibility for my own actions. But I wouldn’t be me if I wouldn’t find a way through…

What I learnt at the very beginning of the ‘pandemic’ (Or maybe even long before?) was that my mind doesn’t present answers to me that soothe the troubled waters of my psyche. 

My body does – if I listen. And my body wants to scream and shout a lot at the moment…

But yesterday my body forced me to move inward. It forced my heart to soften, my tears to clear the wounds that are flaring within me from the loss and the dissatisfaction of the past well over twelve months…

“Be the change, but be patient,” I recalled my own speech from the beginning of 2021. 

This morning I woke up at 6 am and I remembered: I have a choice. Either I seize the day, do my work, keep getting stronger. Or? Or what? There was no other option, but to move forward – to take another step.

Will my mental health become stable by itself? Hell, no! Will anybody apart from myself take care of my mental health? Probably not.

I got up, cleared my space and I went for a run. And no, I didn’t feel like it after a day of nearly only crying. But I knew that I had to do it in order to hold my head straight.

With every step my sight got clearer and the weight that I carried fell off my shoulders. By the time I reached the lake in the park close-by I had a smile on my face.

This threesome works as a reminder to myself. A commitment to my own power.

Writing it all down is my leap out of the apathy that I am facing right now.

So, how do I move through apathy?

1. Movement

Surprise, surprise. I get my body moving! “If you want to scream and shout. Dance it all out.” If you can motivate yourself to do one step, you can probably do the next one too. As soon as you start moving your body your muscles and all of your cells get flooded with oxygen, your breath gets deeper. The responses of your nervous system start to change and so does your way of thinking.

2. Do Things Differently

The other day we had no electricity at home (and in a big part of the city) and honestly: It was the best thing that could happen. It forced me to change my routine and to get out of my head (my computer). It forced me to change my perspective completely. “Let’s go and have breakfast,” I agreed with my partner and we left our ‘home office’ behind. It sounds like such a small incident, but it was a big thing as we were both suffering from some sort of cabin fever and inability to move on with our personal projects. Our cabin fever was gone. The phenomenon is called a pattern interrupt. 

3. Change Your Point of View

What paralyses you? What do you have to worry about right now? Is there truly something to worry about? Do you really have to take things personally? The other day I was paralyzed because of one message that I received. It triggered some painful memories inside of me. After a while I realized that I chose to take it personally. I can choose to step back. I understood that it is just words. They have nothing to do with me if I don’t make them about me.

 

About ‘Being Spiritual’

The other day somebody asked me “Who is your guru?”

My first reply was: “Me.”

I still think it is accurate.

I thought about the authors I’ve read.
The thousands of hours I had spent on youtube watching videos on ‘spirituality’.

I had learnt a ton and surely my brain is infiltrated with ideas and even feelings that are not mine.

But did I truly ‘learn’ about spirituality from all those mentors?

No.

Life taught me.

I’ve started my path by realizing that I am not able to wash dishes without freaking out. (I mentioned it in my post about the role of mindfulness.) I have started my path by acknowledging my lack of presence, which cut me off life for a very very long time.

Especially in the recent months I have been struggling with this disconnect A LOT. Anxiety attacks and panic rolled over me like tsunami waves. And I am tired of holding it back! I am tired of pretending to be strong…

Well, that’s a different story (probably a bit of a contradictory one, but I guess that’s why I am here. To reveal the contradictions of ‘being a human’)…

What I am witnessing in any community that is drawn to spirituality or to ‘living compassionate’, ‘interconnected humanness’, ‘spiritual sovereignty’ is that there are many people following the ideology of others OR discounting somebody else’s ideology, which is the same thing, if we look at it plainly (something only very few people do these days)….

In both cases it is somewhat ignorant, because it forecloses learning experiences and ‘aha-moments’. We can learn from anybody, even from ideologies.

When the ‘corona crisis’ started I was stuck in India.

I don’t remember fully what I was more angry about: The fact that I knew that I can’t stay there. Or the fact that I have to go back and witness the narrow-mindedness of our society?

I was really really angry, but more than ever I am convinced that this was a ‘sacred’ rage….

Using the word ‘sacred’ reminds me of where I’m attempting to go with this post:

Spirituality is not about ‘being spiritual’. And it is not about following some idea or method or practice…

What does it actually mean to be spiritual?

Yes, I have a ton of crystals in my room. And yes, I light a lot of candles over time. And I pray to the universe.

But most of the time I’m spending my time with: developing some sort of discipline to keep my space and my mind clean. Getting my body moving. Eating proper food and drinking enough water. Developing compassion for other human beings by listening to their struggles and to my own struggles with an open heart and without judgement.

…and: doing the dishes. 😉

I am encountering ‘spiritual people’ in the same way I am encountering ‘normal people’.

We all are the freakin’ same! We all are made of the same source!

If you have an idea about what could be right and what could be wrong deep down inside of yourself, if something feels ‘tight’ (or even strangling), really ‘uncomfortable’ in a way that holds you back from getting out of bed on some days….

Then probably YOU KNOW THE TRUTH ALREADY – deep down inside of yourself, but you might close your eyes from it or you don’t honor it….

SO MANY OF US INCREDIBLE BEINGS ARE STILL LOOKING FOR ANSWERS – from the outside world, from gurus, from books, from leaders,…..

And if some or these leaders says something true: “You alone are responsible for your life. You alone can make a choice.”, they get angry or sad or frustrated.

“No, this can’t be it. There must be somebody else making a better choice for me.”

Don’t get me wrong.

I am looking for somebody making choices for me all the f*cking time.

I am a human. A lot of times I am tired or hungry or confused or not willing to make a decision… I, too, want to belong to a tribe – and ‘let them decide’.

But: I don’t blame. I am aware that ‘I can do better’. I can be a little bit more compassionate and understanding towards the person in front of me in this very moment.

I can have a little bit more love radiating from my heart in this very moment.

I can be a little bit more open for the new.

This is ‘being spiritual’.

 

Trust Harder

Do you feel like giving up?
Trust harder.

Are you angry?
Love stronger.

Are you restless?
Breathe in deeply.

Do you blame?
Forgive instead.

Do you want to scream and shout?
Dance.

Have you lost hope?
Keep dreaming.

There will be a tomorrow.

 

The Power Of Curiosity

My next post was supposed to be something else, but I feel the urge to get this message across before it vanishes in the flood of my notes.

When I drafted my first thoughts on the power of curiosity I didn’t expect that it would be such a chunk of wisdom – so simple but yet so fundamental.

The power of curiosity literally blows my mind like a hurricane.

Okay, where am I coming from with this post?

There is something I observe among ‘spiritual people’, among my friends as well as strangers I encounter – and also, retrospectively, I can witness it within myself.

A lot of ‘seekers’, ‘soul searchers’, ‘spiritual people’ or let’s say people, who are in the search for their mission, their purpose, their truth – you name it (I guess whoever is reading this can relate to one or another of these words.), are looking for THE path to take, the one answer, the one thing to do, the one discipline or practice that brings them peace or purpose or reveals the secret of happiness…

I used to squeeze myself into boxes. I used to label myself as a digital nomad, ‘alternative’, a hippy, a ‘light worker’, ‘rebellious’, a ‘soul searcher’, a ‘lost soul’, crazy, abnormal, ‘a loner’, a vagabond, a yogi,…

Luckily, life itself smashed those boxes reliably.

I had to adapt.

I had to reinvent myself over and over again.

Sometimes I grew out of these boxes like a snake is growing out of its skin.

Sometimes I had to transform within the blink of an eye.
Sometimes it was a tenacious process.

I had to learn to throw the leftovers of these boxes away instead of trying to fix them – even though I was tempted to do so…

Fortunately I was able to witness this world from different angles. This gave me the opportunity to view myself from different perspectives – countless times.

My answer to the question: ‘Who am I?’ changes constantly up to date…

I used to think that this is a bad thing. But right now – especially in ‘these times’ – but already B.C. (before corona) – it was obvious to me that all of the concepts that we erect about ourselves and about the world around us become a prison.

It’s okay to not know, because nobody knows.

And it is okay to trust into the ‘not knowing’….

It seems like we love labels so much. We love to categorize. It’s easier. I get it. We are human. It is part of our nature to (be)long to/for a tribe – our tribe.

But do we find it by putting ourselves into boxes?

I doubt it.

We love to put ourselves into boxes more than we love our individuality. But our individuality leads us to authenticity.

And our authentic self attracts the right people and the right action. It is so simple.

There is a quote that came into my mind related to the topic of curiosity:

“Sometimes a tree needs to grow deep roots in order to find the right nutrients.”

Only now I understand it’s significance fully….

A tree doesn’t follow an ideology. A tree does follow the life force. Life energy itself guides its growth.

By being preoccupied we are blocking our growth.

Ignorance won’t bring us any further.

Curiosity will!

There is something to learn from every concept. There is something to learn from every other being on this earth. There is something to learn from every life form!

Curiosity is the fuel source of our evolution.

 

Thank You Letter To The Sun

Dear sun,

thank you for reinvigorating me with energy every day.

Thank you for reemerging after the darkest of nights.

Thank you for shining the spotlight on me – if I’m ready or not.

Thank you for smiling back at me in the early morning.

Thank you for warming my chest when I can’t feel myself.

Thank you for keeping me connected to my source.

Thank you for guiding me the way every single day.

Thank you for being with me – even when you are hiding behind the cloud curtain.

I get it. I get you.

I will always bow to you.

In devotion.

Random human being

 

Reversing The What If’s

What if you had the time?
What if you had the answer?
What if you had what it takes?
What if you would allow flow?
What if you’d qualify yourself anew each day?

The universe works in mysterious ways.
Question your thoughts, but never lose trust.

Everything is possible. Everything is possible.