Author: Uli

by Uli on Transformation Inventory

Outdated

These days I feel ‘outdated’.

I don’t know exactly what I mean by that, but who the hell am I to know what I’m writing about?

I feel like I need an update.

Nope, actually I feel like I need a new harddrive; a super fast ssd with rapid mode if this is a thing…

The past couple of days I was punishing myself for not being productive – nothing new.

I don’t know about you, but I’m so busy preserving my sanity that I barely get things done at the moment.

Before/during christmas I wanted to post at least two more posts. I wanted to start using the writing software scrivener, I wanted to make up my mind about the direction I’m heading professionally next year…

It is a lot right now.

I feel like I’m standing at the intersection of a busy road.

Did I say intersection?

Not quite.

I feel like I’ve just gotten out of a deep forest after a long-distance hike and now I’m trying to cross a busy six-lane-highway….

Nope, I DON’T have all my ducks in a row right now. And my ducks are freaking out!

Plus:

There is a ton of unpublished material.
There are myriads of unprocessed ideas, half-finished articles and creative projects.
There are endless tasks on my numerous to-do-lists and endless things I want to get better at….

Stop!

There is something else beyond all this confusion…

There is this huge potential hidden in every challenge that I’m facing. There is this profound growth concealed in every solution that I find.

There is this deep knowledge inside of me.

I just know that it’s there – even if it’s not accessible to me…

Do I might also need a new graphics card?

There is this heartening trust in spite of all the uncertainty.

Mayyybee, only maybe the challenges of this year pay off?

“You are the only one keeping me sane,” a friend of mine – who admittedly is slightly mad (in the most positive sense) – pointed out to me.

THAT’S funny.

I feel like I’m going insane.

What did he mean?

Well, I have doubts and I have fears.

Throughout this year I learnt that I better be transparent with myself about my fears, my doubts and my pain.

Why? Because otherwise I get nasty. I’m starting to destroy things, because I’m blaming them for making my life not working.

But in the end it’s just a small adjustment that my soul is calling upon? Maybe I just need to refurbish my toolbox?

I better check for software updates before the end of the year…

All these lessons want to be integrated.

Maybe sometimes a reboot is the only option?

 
by Uli on Threesome, Transformation Inventory

How To Thrive In Times of Crisis?

I believe in miracles.

This year the universe conspired to an extent that I can’t simply call luck.

These days I’m blown away by the twists and turns that have occurred on my path.

My devotion to my personal journey is greater than ever.

My desire ‘to create’ is thrilling with a swooshing sound. There is this irrevocable force within myself that wants to express.

I don’t have the capacity anymore to carry out these patterns of self-doubt and hesitation.

I can see clearly now where my ‘shadow work’ of the past seven years had led me. (Nope, when I visited my first therapy session with a psychologist in 2013 I was not familiar with the term ‘shadow work’. But at this point I also didn’t know that I would actually find the answers in the corners where I want to search the least.)

Today I can see clearly in which areas I’m in need of support. I can see clearly in which areas of my life I have grown. I can see clearly where others could use my support.

It’s a process.

I can see clearly now that I have purpose.

This year was by far the most challenging year of my entire life. My mom got diagnosed with cancer. A relationship (I thought I was in) fell apart. This pandemic forced me to return home and explore my roots – radically.

I’m still searching for the words to describe what this journey looked like. As I’m aiming to finish this article (and eventually share some useful content) I won’t dive deep into it at this point.

I might have lost track for a while, but I have never lost hope. That’s what got me where I am now. Where am I? In a position that gives me the confidence to publish this here. And this already makes me proud of myself – for the very first time in a long time.

So. It is a pretty tough time for most of us. I’m speaking about ‘crisis’ from a existential point of view, but maybe you find some take-aways.

This is supposed to be a threesome;), but bullet point four is so important – I couldn’t leave it out.

1. Stick to Routines

…and if you can’t: Don’t be hard on yourself! Allow yourself some rest. Take a nap if you can or go for a little walk and just allow yourself a couple of minutes to breathe…

Take a step back and see, if there is anything else you can improve? And then find a different routine that might suit you better in your current situation. What do I mean by that? For example if you are suffering from a trauma it is very likely that you suffer from a temporary biochemical imbalance within your body. There is no point in trying to develop a rigorous productivity habit, while your body is in fight-flight-freeze mode.

The best thing you can do is attempting a routine that supports your physical body for example drinking enough water or meditating for five minutes in the morning or doing some stretching. Even the smallest goal will support you on your healing journey. How? Because you set an intention. And by setting an intention you are signaling to your subconscious that it is time for change.

2. Be Honest With Yourself

“You can’t change anything in a state of denial!” I don’t remember where I’ve heard this statement. Probably it was by Jeremy Goldberg from longdistancelovebombs. This is spot on and so my experience. The whole scope of ‘seeing things clear’ dawns me more and more every single day.

Acknowledge the crisis for what it is. No matter what you go through – is it a serious disease or a divorce. Be clear about the situation you are in and the challenges your are facing – even if you have to start your life from scratch. Sometimes you are being forces into change. Every new beginning also inherits a lot of opportunity to start things anew.

NO MATTER what you are suffering from – by being transparent with yourself about the blockages you are facing you are moving closer towards your healing. No matter how painful this process might be. If you leave out the ‘nitty-gritty’, you will never proceed in your personal development! The good news is: The moment you start seeing things clear, is the moment when your life takes momentum again… Which leads me to my next point:

3. Think Positive

Even in the darkest hour of your life you can choose. You can choose empowering thoughts. Or you can choose disempowering thoughts. Hal Elrod demonstrates strikingly where positive thinking can lead you. He suffered from more than one major strokes of fate and always recovered with sheer willpower.

These days it is sometimes hard to distinguish which thoughts belong to you and which to somebody else. In these times it is even more crucial to direct your thinking towards thoughts that serve you and that don’t drain your energy.

It is a bit tricky: On the one hand you are called to name your fears but on the other hand it is crucial to focus on ‘productive’ thoughts. When you find yourself in a crisis where you are not able to change anything in the external, there is one thing that you can change for sure: Your way of thinking.

4. Ask for Help

Big one – this is massive. I’m exploding of gratitude, because I am able to share this one with confidence now. ‘Asking for help’ was probably one of my major challenges this year.

“You will need help!” – Last year in November I met a shaman at the esoteric fair in Munich. He predicted the upcoming challenges on my path. “Me? Help? But I’m doing it all by myself! How can I receive help?,” my Aries-me responded panically with the outlook of asking for help.

The moment was there. One ‘tower-moment’ after another ripped my illusions about life apart. I had to re-gather myself. I couldn’t have done it by myself.

I asked for help. Who? Coaches, friends, family members, random strangers, doctors…. It changed everything – seriously.

Only now writing this down, I realize that this is material for another article. I can’t emphasize it enough: ASK FOR FREAKIN’ HELP! You will be surprised what the universe does.

 
by Uli on Rough Diamonds

Autumn Leaves and Jelly Fishes

“It’s autumn. A good time to #reflect. A good time to not ‘be busy getting somewhere’.

A time to look at what this year had taught you. And to contemplate what’s worth carrying with you and what to better leave behind.

It’s the time to drop some weight.

Take a moment to just enjoy the spectacle, watch the colourful sky, embrace the early sunset and the leaves on the ground.

Allow #lightness inbetween your branches, your thoughts, your ideas, your feelings, within your heart…
Allow yourself to be on the ground together with the leaves.
Allow yourself to merge with the seasons.
Allow yourself to #recharge before a new phase arises.
Allow yourself to rest within every step, every move you make.
Allow yourself to be. Be present and listen to the wind….”

Autumn 2019

All year around the seasons are an inspiration for me.

Last November on a weekend trip to Budweis I contemplated on the falling leaves ‘merging with the ground’.

And so did I. I merged with the ground.

Yesterday morning in the park I had a moment of lightness. Where was it coming from? This rush of energy?

It was a freezing cold morning. I was walking with a warm coffee in one hand and my boyfriend in the other. The cold breeze on this late November morning refreshed my face.

I looked up to the sky where I could see some golden leaves dancing with the wind in front of my favorite church tower – in the part of Munich I currently live in.

(As most of you know by now I am a nomad from the heart and so far nothing could possibly stop me.)

I looked around.

“There is so much space.,” I said out loud. My boyfriend agreed without knowing specifically what I was talking about.

I was walking this path dozens of times in the last weeks on the way to the park.

But only now I could see this grassland next to the little pathway. It is kind of a meadow – just behind huge oak and beech trees.

I took the deepest possible breath through my mouth right down into my stomach.

Naturally my entire abdominal wall expanded and relaxed.

I felt ease.

I looked directly into the sun. She was blinding me tenderly.

I felt a huge sense of clarity.

Only a couple of days earlier I asked myself how I would possibly manage this dark season in Germany? The last years I had spent partly in Italy or India during the winter.

The last weeks I admired the colourful leaves – but kind of a sadness had been arising. A kind of grief.

But today I remembered…

Autumn is a time of immense transformation.

Autumn is a time of release.
Old energies are being released…

The trees drop their leaves and they make space for new shoots.

The harvest for this year is over.
Everything that doesn’t belong here anymore is being recycled.
The ground for the new is being tilled.
The restoration takes place in silence.

There is this enegy of renewal in every season.

We better roll with it and rest, restore and recover.

What does this have to do with jelly fishes?

Well, this post was intended to be about jelly fishes, but I didn’t quite ‘get there’…

So, I guess that’s material for a different story.

But did you know that some jelly fishes are immortal? 😀

 
by Uli on Transformation Inventory, Uncategorized

Powerstruggles

“Growth is uncomfortable. Don’t run, it will only follow you. Don’t hide, it will only scare you. Sit. Breathe. Feel the fibers of your being tear apart so that the light may shine through. Dare to grow so that you can experience a new world.” 

This quote by @doveism on instagram made me pause. I remembered what I’m here for. I’m here to move ahead – and not along.  

Nope, growth is everything but comfortable. And it doesn’t get any easier. Actually it even gets harder, because the path of truth becomes more narrow the further you go…

Recently I have been hiding. But I didn’t really want to face the fact that I’m hiding.

Since months I’m elaborating my ‘running patterns’. I figured out that I used to run from relationships, from responsibility, from accountability… all this serious stuff.

This morning I took a bath. And while I was soaking in the lukewarm water in a meditative state it came crashing down on me: The thing I’m hiding from (and in this sense running away from) is my own strength. Instead of my willpower I’m still applying some sort of self-pity when it comes to making tough decisions.

I reached a point in my life where I have to make a decision. Do I want to tap into my power, yes or no? Do I want to work in the name of my own values? Do I want to fight the good fight for good? Or do I want to keep talking about it? 

‘I don’t know if I can do it’ – How many times did I doubt my abilities? How many times did I thought ‘This time I reached a dead end.’; ‘This time I’ve gone too far’, ‘This time I’ve lost it.’ (Well, what is there to lose anyway?) How many times did I nearly drop this whole self-development thing and chose the trodden path? 

And how many times did I expand in the end? How many times did I grow above me?

‘Dare to grow’ – Thanks Dove for the reminder to be courageous.

The time is now. Come on, universe, tear those fibers apart!

 
by Uli on Rough Diamonds, Writing Experiment

Compassion is Nothing to Achieve

Compassion is something you grow naturally.

How do you grow it?

By crossing your boundaries – once in a while and realizing that it doesn’t necessarily do you any harm.

By experiencing life outside of your comfort zone you become more sensitive to other people’s comfort zone.

Time after time you will realize that your precious standards are based on a value system that is printed in your genes.

All of a sudden you will see clearly that the life you have built is a reflection of your conditioning. (Yes, I am repeating myself, because you don’t get it. )

Compassion is nothing you earn. Compassion is not a skill. Compassion is also not your virtue. (Well…. Is it? I will think about it.)

Compassion arises in the moment when you give away your power. Compassion is what arises when you can see through this conditioning.

All of a sudden you will be able to look somebody in the eyes and SEE them and treat them like a human being – no matter if they live on the street, no matter if they are black or white, drunk or sober, if they are rich or poor, a sinner or a saint, if they wear a mask or not……..

It is when you stop taking yourself so fucking serious….

When you stop expecting that the world is appearing and behaving accordingly to your anticipation.

Your ego will just drop and you will feel the other.

What we have here is a golden cage and we are desperately searching for that door to get out…

What we don’t understand is that we just have to sit still and let the dust settle.

The door is right there. We just can’t see it because we are stirred up by threat and propaganda.

What does this have to do with compassion?

Everything.

Because as soon as we don’t take our own selves so fucking serious anymore we will realize how ridiculous the restrictions are that we impose on ourselves…

The walls we are building are getting higher and higher.

The paranoia is getting more threatening and threatening because we don’t see what is behind the wall?

We are trying to find a national solution for a global problem…

What we truely need is a connection with our human needs. And these needs don’t have a passport. They don’t have a legal basis. They don’t have regional boarders.

They are just based on compassion for oneself, for our bodies and our minds – for us and for our neighbours…

Amen.

 
by Uli on Transformation Inventory, Uncategorized

‘Do-Nothing-Challenge’ – Looong Update After Two Weeks

“You don’t have time to meditate for ten minutes a day? Then do it for one hour..” This became my philosophy – at least for the past two weeks…

Two weeks ago – in a casual moment of ‘overwhelm’ – I decided to gift myself one hour of silence a day.

I’m fourteen days into the ‘do-nothing-challenge’ – it is harder than I expected (of course, haha), but more than necessary.

I have to admit – I skipped one day. On Friday last week I had some drinks with my colleagues and afterwards I went straight to bed. 

But I decided to not be too hard on myself…

On many days I had problems arriving within myself. 

I was so caught up in daily tasks and the high demands I still have on my personal development. 

A lot of days I would sit down impatiently, waiting for the time to pass – desperately looking for connection with my true self. 

I would have problems even concentrating for one minute. Instead I would ask myself if I would ever come back to myself?

Slowly a sensation inside of me awoke. I could spot my own resistance. The harder I try to focus the less I’m allowing my body and my mind to rest. 

The challenge evolves – day after day…

Quickly I realized that it doesn’t make sense to make this challenge about focus or ‘achieving’ connection. It is impossible to ‘achieve’ connection – I rather ‘allow’ it. I only have to allow myself to ‘be’….

Instead of following a specific meditation technique, I’ve decided to allow myself to go wherever I want to go – at this point in time…. 

What can I do towards my own healing? What is my soul calling upon? What does my body need? 

These are questions that come up.frequently  to come – not necessarily to my mind, but to my senses..

Sometimes my body feels so tired that I have to lay down for my meditation. Sometimes I’m staring at a candle for one hour. Sometimes I’m falling asleep. Sometimes I clean myself with the violet flame. Sometimes I pray for my soul tribe. Sometimes I pray for the whole world. 

Two days ago for example I was meditating with my favourite stone to help me clear my thinking: the fluorit. Also I’ve started to work with energy healing tools like the “tibetian eight”. 

More and more I’m listening to the demands of my body instead of following a strict routine. 

I am very flexible with the way I’m spending this hour. Sometimes I’m sitting on a pillow, on a carpet or on my yoga mat. Some days I’m laying in my bed, other days I’m laying on the ground. Last Tuesday I joined a sound bowl meditation at an urban salt cave here in Munich. The frequencies helped me to destress my nervous system…

The only conditions that I have upon this challenge is that I’m not allowed to ‘tense up’. If I catch myself clinging to worries and negative self-beliefes I’m directing my attention towards source or my sacral or solar plexus chakra. And if necessary I’m manipulating my parasympathikus by deep breathing or breathing exercises like square breathing. 

Slowly I’m developing my very individual tools to arrive in the present moment. And this is kind of my first learning.

I’m Not a Victim of My Thinking

In this hour – and possibly in every moment of my life – I can choose. I can choose if I want to consciously be aware of my reality. Or I can choose to drift away. I can choose to fall for destructive patterns over and over again or I can choose to heal. I can choose to think positive and move towards the light. I can choose expansion – or contraction. It is totally up to me. 

If I don’t want to become a victim of them I HAVE to choose my thoughts. There is a sentence roaming around in my head since I’ve started this job at the reception of a very busy and – let’s call it ‘socially challenging’ hostel: “Stress you didn’t have, you didn’t have”. 

I can totally choose how I react in any given situation. And by reacting I’m not only talking about physical action, but also my mental response to it. I caught myself worrying over and over again. What will the future bring? Is it a good idea to jump into a relationship with somebody I just met? Would I rather leave and travel? Is there any way to travel again? Was it a good idea to start that job?

What lies underneath this chronic worrying is joy. The joy of being alive. And this is what the ‘do-nothing-challenge’ reminds me of…

On Saturday – day ten of my challenge I had kind of a breakthrough. It was one of my ‘days of clarity’ – what I like to call them. On these days I can identify clearly how my thoughts project my version of reality on a situation or on the way I view myself… Crystal clear I can differentiate – between my perspective and what a situation looks like from a different point of view…

I had this deep sensation of ‘arrival’ within my body. It felt like I’m arriving in my lower body: My legs, my sexual organs, my hips and my lower abdominals – everything filled up with life like a sponge which was dry for a very very long time.

I am Allowed to Surrender

These learnings go hand in hand… I came to the conclusion that I’m the only one who is building walls with my resistance. I’m capable of  holding on to energies and I’m capable of letting them go. It is within my power to do that. I can choose if I want to cling or if I want to – yeah, right – LET GO.. 

I am Not my Perfectionism

“Do I want to destroy this situation? Yes or no?” – How many times did I impose my own perfectionism on others? And how many times did I destroy a situation only by inflicting overly high expectations on myself? This is a thought that rattles me for quite a while now. I found out that my ‘perfectionism’ is part of my astrological birth chart. How do I exteriorize my perfectionism? I’m trying to be ‘the perfect human’ in any given situation and I barely allow myself mistakes. And this is what is kind of holding me back from attaining close friendships. 

What do I mean by that? The measurements I’m putting on myself are threatening to others. Subconsciously friends might think I won’t accept them if they don’t meet the standards I put on myself. I had no idea how destructive my perfectionism could be. 

I found out that I won’t ruin this challenge if I apply loose regulations. That’s why it is called the ‘do-nothing-challenge’. I am allowed to do nothing (once in a while;). 

I Can Let go of Heavy Energies

There is this belief still dominating my mind (and also the mind of many others): The belief that empathetic people are weak. 

For a couple of years now I’m studying a system called human design. So far I haven’t talked about it at all on this blog. According to this system humanity is divided into five different energy types: manifestors, generators, manifesting generators, projectors and reflectors. So far I haven’t talked about it on my blog, but most of my friends know that I’m studying those energy types quite thoroughly.

Each of them has a different way of obtaining energies and of householding with energies. I’m a projector – one of the so called ‘non-energy-types’. 

I’m a person who is very open for energies of other individuals and groups. Many of the so called projectors can be considered as ’empaths’.

For a long time I thought empathetic people are a victim to negative energies. But in reality it is quite the opposite. Through my meditation challenge I’m learning that I can release all these energies. I don’t have to hold on to energies that don’t serve me…

Wow…

It is quite a process that I have initiated with this challenge. I am beyond excited to continue my journey. 

I will stop making empty promises in my blog posts. I will probably post some more within the next two weeks…

I love you all!