Productive Gratitude

There is SO MUCH moving right now. This “stream of consciousness” moved through me just now. So I decided to let it out:

There is a fundamental truth I understood on a different level: We are all the same. We all have the same life force. We are all walking through this life with the same intention: To move energy – no matter if we are aware of it or not.

At the end of the day everyone of us is crucial.

Everyone of us has a purpose – the purpose to just be.

Omg, this purpose is so simple that it literally blows my mind when I try to put it into words, because as soon as I am trying to phrase it, it sounds so pathetic – too simple to be true.

Bizarre and surreal to most human beings who ‘distant’ themselves from aliveness so far off.

Still there is truth no one can deny: We are transforming matter from one state to another. Our emotions are our fuel to transform that matter, because they dictate what we do – short term and in the long run…

There is no human better or worse. There is no one on a higher level. The guru is us – you, me.

There is STILL such a huuuge misconception around the word ‘guru’. There is soooo much resistance created by splitting ourselves apart. We split us apart until nothing is left.

As soon as we’d understand that we are all one, that absolutely no being, no plant, not a single atom on this planet is separate, we’d find peace….

How could we do that? By FEELING OUR FEELINGS fully. And by assisting each other to do the same – safely. Without being judged and without judgment of ourselves.

I know that this is a long way to go. So let’s better start NOW.

If we take the time to just be there for a moment, be present with what and who is.

If we take the time to hold a hand, to look another person in the eyes, to not look through them, THIS is when we are creating change…

“Productive Gratitude” – this is a phrase my mind came up with the other day when I expressed my gratitude towards my fellow “yoga-retreaters” I journeyed with at “The Journey Through The Chakras” by Refeel Yoga.

All of a sudden I felt this huuuuuge connection – to myself, to this group, to the ALL.

And as sudden as this sensation arrived I felt it FOR MY WORK, for any work that I am doing – even the work I don’t love. The daily work. The 9-5. The 24/7. Whatever it is. I felt grateful for it and I DID IT with thankfulness for being able to do it.

If I am expressing my gratitude with EVERY SINGLE ACTION I will inevitably change the world.

How is this possible?

Because I am BECOMING gratitude. And by becoming it I am acting from a place that is not defined by trans-action.

I am doing and I am moving on at the same time (this is a small reference to Tao Te Ching;)

It is NOT easy. Definitely not. It is hard. In order to become gratitude I have to become myself first.

A quest of a life-time – a quest I am forever grateful for.

Namaste 🙏

 

Understanding The Patterns

Oftentimes we are so absorbed in our own story.
We claim our suffering to be so unique to us.

It’s not.

It’s historical suffering.

“First you have to understand that your are dreaming all the time,” I don’t remember the full quote of Don Miguel Ruiz, author of “The Four Agreements”.

But this snippet of wisdom captures it so well.

What we think is reality, is a creation of our thougths. Fully.

When you think about your past and your future? What are you thinking about?

You are thinking thoughts that are conditioned by your upbringing, by the media, by the story you have been told about what is possible and what is not possible…

You are retelling yourself the same story over and over again until you belief that this is reality.

If you’d drop these thougths, what would be possible?

Oh my god, there is soooooo much revelation taking place right now.

I know that you are experiencing the similar.

It is the removal of the roadblocks.

For some of us it is a painful removal. Like a surgical intervention.

For some it is smooth – the most natural process. Like the opening of a flower.

One has to deal with freedom. It can be painful to let go of the patterns.

Painful to understand that all the turmoil was created in your head in the fist place.

The anger and frustration is what comes up. But then there is the relief. Laughter. The dance of joy!

You freakin’ did it!!!

And yes, it was that simple.

Nevertheless there is no reason to shame yourself.

You had to live through it all in order to become aware of the lessons.

What is happeing to me?

I’m becoming aware of the lightness I am built of.
All density is created.
All trauma is imposed – partly self-imposed.

I am able to forgive myself and everyone around me.
Because we are all the result of our circumstances. And we are all lovable with everything we are.

There is no one to blame.
So I take action whole-heartedly.

I stand up. I stand in my power for once and for all. With you.

 

The Magic of No Expectation

Drop your expectations completely.
This is how everything resolves.
No strings attached.
There is nothing to expect.
No outcome is ever the same.
Expect absolutely nothing.

Oh my god I found the key to everything. How could I not understand this all the way?

I am LOADED with expectation.
Expectation of how I should feel.
Expectation of how I ought to react.
Expectation of what I am about to make sense of…

The solution is to let it all go.
To enter into a state of meditation in every single moment of my life with every single cell of my body.

I let the appreciation flow through me and connect the dots of being alive.

My cells, my lungs, my body. The air. Nutrients. All of it belongs to me like I belong to this earth.

Nothing’s hard without expectation.

 

Collective Purging

Today is a day of insights, a morning of stream of consciousness.

It is one of those moments when I understand that I am not doing it for me. I am not walking the path for the sake of walking it. I am not even sure if I am walking it.

I am experiencing transformation because my life experience is crucial for the life experience of everyone around me – everyone I influence with my being.

What I am talking about here is not my professional influence or what I am saying or not saying within my social relations. It is not about my writing, because this is what I am doing for myself.

It is about how I show up energetically (or not).

Recently there seems to be a challenging time for a lot of us.

I can feel the collective purge – the RELEASE of “old” emotions or life experience.

I witness it first hand by witnessing the processes of my friends.

The unbearable breaks open.

What was closing off is what is causing the opening – of “the path” and of the heart…

New beginnings appear on the horizon. Out of nowhere.

And what is beyond the horizon is unknown.

And that is where we want to go:

There is this big big big misconception around the spiritual path.

There seems to be some sort of cultural narrative (maybe it is within my perception because I am part of the narrative, which makes it even more pressuring to share this thought as unfiltered as possible.)

The narrative is being told on social media platforms. The images shown are flawless. The spiritual path seems to be paved with beauty. It appears to be a chronological process – and incorporation of THE beauty.

But guess what?

THIS IS NOT THE PATH.

The path is beauty, yes.

But “the way” is hard.

Yes, there are the souls that are awake. They are born into awake beings.

But, we, us, the ones who are reading this (I reckon’) are the ones who have to eat the sh*t.

We have to plough that dirt – the most nourishing ground that we have. Our beautiful ugly life experience, our suffering that is us.

It is within us.
It’s our feelings, our wrong-doings, our mistakes, our painfully covered truth that’s sooo crooked. It hurts.

The old skin that wants to be shed but it is so “intergrown” with our lives, entangled with our conditionings.
There is one thing I am more certain than ever: There is no way around it. The untangling is what will release a ton of energy. We know it deep down inside (not as far down as we think).

Our imagination can help us to give the push, but we have to make the move and trust.

The thing about that is: There is no reason not to trust.

This reminds me of a quote I read in a philosophy magazine called “Hohe Luft”: “Being satisfied with life can be an act of rebellion in times where thriving to be the best version of ourselves became the way of being.”

To trust is also an act of rebellion in times where deterioration is everything that is being broadcasted.

And the counter movement? Is BLINDFOLING our true feelings – burrying the truth….

The thing is: We don’t need a movement. All we need is to trust in our own abilities. And with abilities I mean the gifts that we have inherited, our DNA that is allowing us to receive information and process information within our physical body.

YES, our truth IS our feelings.

Trust exists independently from what is going on in the external.

Truth is subsisting. It is us.

Yes, I am saying: “TRUST! NO MATTER WHAT!”

Trust – whatever feeling arises.
Trust – no matter which decision is “the right” decision.
Trust – in your sadness, in your despair, in your anger, even – in your addiction or let’s say in “your awareness of your addiction”.

TRANSFORM IT BY BEING IT. LIVE THROUGH IT. This is how you overcome it.

It is so simple that I would like to scream it from the top of my lungs.

I invite trust.

I invite you to purge all of your emotions, to go all in, to feel it all and move on. You will see the next step. Help will appear out of nowhere.

You are never alone.

 

Step Into The Flow

“What’s missing?”

This question had been nesting in my subconscious mind for the past couple of days (or even weeks).

What kept my head in the clouds?

Why was I unable to make a decision?

A subtle fear of the fear kept creeping in…

Desperately I was pushing myself.

Towards clarity.
Towards an answer.
Towards release.

I found myself trying to figure it all out.

Two days ago, spontaneously, I went to a writing meet-up.

During this meet-up called “Shut Up & Write” we dedicate one hour to focussed writing.

In the introduction round I was all fired-up. For the first time in a while I felt super excited about writing my heart out: “I will finally give it ago and do some stream of consciousness today.” I announced with a solar smile. I felt the urge to just hit the keyboard and go for it…

When the timer started, I was not able to finish even one sentence.

From one moment to the other I tensed up and could barely type a thing.

I started to reorganize some past writing – and I tensed up even more.

“What’s the point of all of that?”

The casual question for purpose made me close my laptop.

The next morning I had a conversation with my boyfriend. I was ruminating about career decisions and life in general.

He said: “While you think all these thoughts, watch your breath.”

“I am not breathing at all,” I countered with a trace of outrage.

“Right, if you look that closely at every moment you don’t have time to breathe – and you don’t experience the moment either. Just let it flow.”

He left me in awe.

Open-mouthedly I starred at the wall.

All of a sudden I understood what was missing the day before – at the writing meet-up… And all these previous days when I felt trapped in my own head – waiting for release that never comes.

FLOW.

The flow of breathe – not despite but united with my thoughts.

I took a breath and finally surrendered to the moment….

 

Thoughts on Arrival

In the absence of thought there is only peace.

I walk towards S-Bahn-Station Berg am Laim.

As many times before I pass the two huge chestnut trees in front of the house I live in.

I did not consciously notice the first one.

The second one lays its branches around my shoulders like protective wings.

A few meters ahead I cross the street and I pass the bus station as I did many times before.

“Something’s changed,” a thought appears somewhere beyond my mind.

Emptiness.

There is a void.

But this time it’s different.

There is no fear gripping, no doubt holding my heart hostage.

My legs are moving effortlessly.

The weight of my backpack does not drag at all.

“There is ground beneath my feet,” I observe clearly.

I share my contemplation with my friend Antje.

“This must be this famous now.”

Yes.

There it was – “the now” – unspectacular but nothing less fullfilling than a cup of morning coffee.

Earlier this week I had a discussion with another friend on “judgment”.

She proclaimed: “While you are tasting a wine, what’s the purpose of labeling the taste?”

Right, what difference does it make? Dry or sweet? Red or white? If you made “the best deal” or not? If you chose right path or not? If you made the right decision or not? If you catch the next train or not?

Of course it makes a difference!!

But does it help you to arrive?

I don’t think so.

 

Collective Shadow Work, The Fear of Change and The Paradox of “Surrender”

Change is here. Change is now. By now most of us seem to agree on this: Change is inevitable.

But how do we proceed on our journey?

The fear of change is creating a huge shadow overcasting the sky of opportunity.

It is our turn to step up and step right into this fog. Now is the time to shine, fellow lightworkers. Don’t be scared of this huge wall of darkness in front of you. It is only energy and you are able to transform it.

Give in and surrender to your feelings. This is how you let the wall dissolve. This is collective shadow work. Allow your cells to transmute.

Open up. Loose grip. Bow down. Give in, soul.

Devote yourself to the truth.

Melt into the moment. Accept the challenge that is being presented right in front of you.

Look through the veil. Open yourself up and step into reality.

Solve the problems that you are facing with the means that you have instead of blaming, blaming, blaming… the circumstances or everyone else who appears to be incapable of solving your problems, because they are your problems and not theirs.

You have the power to solve those problems if you are willing to see the resources you are given.

What are you fighting for? And what are you revolting?

Let go of your comfort and then let go of your discomfort. As simple as that.

“The great surrendering” is here. We have the chance to come back to our senses.

Confusion leads to expansion if we let it.

Chaos is the motor of our progress.

Challenge is the driving force of the evolution of consciousness.

Fear is our magical tool.

Why?

Fear vanishes the ego. Let it in.
Fear forces us to dive into the unknown.
The ego can’t persist and it will succumb to unity.

This is our unique opportunity to come back to life.

 

Yes, Universe

“The universe doesn’t understand no.” – This was the title of an article I wrote about three years ago. At that time I did not suspect what kind of journey I was driving at. It was and it still is the journey of truth.

I couldn’t foresee that this blog would be a life-changing endeavour and a continuous force moving me along my personal development. This blog truly became my motor. I am constantly learning and listening.

What I thought were ‘dead ends’ were portals disclosing different layers of consciousness. Writing this down here fills me with joy and gratitude. I am more than grateful that I had been able to listen – that morning in 2017 when I had the dream about giving birth and starting this domain.

That morning I had started listening and I never stopped.

“Ask the universe and it answers” – it was also in 2017 when I understood this fundamental truth.

Our thoughts manifest our reality. EVERY thought that I ever thought manifested my reality. Up to date I am witnessing this with brighter and brighter clarity.

Of course I made moves, I took decisions, but the truth is that everything happened to me. I was always guided by, call it, destiny if you wish.

What I understand more and more is that I am the one ‘steering’ my fate. Putting this in words is delicate, because the words around it cause so much resistance. Nevertheless I keep trying… I am not steering in the sense of controlling. I am taking a course. I am navigating through inclement weather. I am responding to the circumstances.

Paradoxically, partially, I am the one creating the circumstances.

A couple of months ago I wrote a post called “Not to write is not an option”. Over the course of the following weeks it dawned me: I had planted a thought into my head. The thought that “I don’t write enough”. Hahaha, it still blows my mind how these words could become the root cause of a slight anxiety resting in my subconscious, a cord constraining my chest.

Seriously, every single day on this earth I understand it on a deeper level: HOW MUCH my thoughts influence my behaviours. UNWILLINGLY. This is the crucial thing. It is beyond my control more than it is within my control. It just is.

Do you know this feeling of looking back at some life-event asking yourself: “How could this happen? How could I/we make this decision?”

Well, when you are really honest there had been this voice in your head or that conversation that took place – much much earlier. The terrified “What if?”. The doubts that were shouting louder than the confidence. It can be a fear, a lack of self-worth or a false belief: Maybe your self-worth was tied to some imaginary value of what it means to be worthy. Tadaa: It’s done. Reality created. It is really really hard, but it iss possible to over-write and re-create that image.

How?

With the power of imagination.

So: The most crucial part on this journey is to make use of our VIVID imagination. We just have to be brave enough to make things up. To create a positive image of our future or of that project, that move you had been planning for soooo long. The only twerk is to shift focus to the positive – the possible! Action WILL follow automatically.

Of course, it is possible to act first, but if not: The thought is first. Action will come as soon as the faulty image of ourselves in our head does not have any foundation anymore. In this moment we create the new reality.

I know that you know it. I am just reminding you.

Have you truly opened yourself up to possibility? Have you let go of the clinging to the conditioning? Do it now. Let it go and receive what belongs to you anyway.

 

Sacrifice

Just now in the subway a word came into my head: Sacrifice.

I know the word, but am I familiar with it?

Years ago I met this martial arts athlete in New Zealand. He introduced me to his secrets of success: determination, loyalty and sacrifice.

I got it. He had to train hard in order to be a successful fighter and he doesn’t have time for much else – apart from his pals and family.

But honestly, for me it was always hard to grasp. ‘To sacrifice’ always sounded slightly pathetic to me.

This morning I took a shower and I knew my day would get better if I’d turned the tap on cold.

I did. And interestingly I felt nothing.

Well, not nothing. But I did not feel the need to control.

I didn’t control my breath. I didn’t tense up. I didn’t move around tipoeing.

Automatically my heart started pumping my blood a little bit more intensely. My breath speeded up. I inhaled deeply and exhaled strongly.

My body took over. Within a minute I was wide-awake and I had a smile on my face.

In this moment I realized that sacrifice had been a part of my life ever since. But it didn’t feel like it, because subconsciously I always knew that my thoughts, my perception of myself, my limitations and the world around me is just an illusion.

The image that I have of myself is not true. What I think I am capable of is not true. Or let’s phrase it differently: What I think I am not capable of is not true.

I realized how much I had been trying to control my body during these cold showers.

Why? Because I did not trust in my body. This morning I found out that it is completely unnecessary to distrust, because my body knows better than me.

The same thing happened to me the other day when I did over one hundred sun salutations for the first time in my life while during a yoga challenge I attended. I did not know that I was capable of such a physical task.

I set the intention in my mind to let go of control. I said it out loud: “Okay, body, it is your turn.” – and all of a sudden another intelligence took over. The intelligence of my body.

What does it have to do with sacrifice?

Everything. These experiences showed me what happens if I am willing to truly step out of my comfort zone. People who know me are aware of my ‘Aries’-nature: Avoiding challenges is not my thing.

Nevertheless there is a whole other layer of ‘control’ that I didn’t really grasp.

By sacrificing my need to control I am gaining self-confidence, trust in life, in my actions and in my body.

The more I am willing to let go of convenience the more I ‘prepare’ myself for… Yeah, for what?! I prepare myself for making uncomfortable decisions, for listening to my internal voice, for stepping up, saying ‘yes’ to things that scare the shit out of me….

One definition of the noun ‘sacrifice’ according to Merriam Webster dictionary is: “destruction or surrender of something for the sake of something else” – as simple as that. In religious terms it means ‘to offer an innocent being to the gods’ (I could make a huuuge topic out of it, but I won’t.) What am I offering? I am offering my victim mentality, my hesitation and my self-doubt in exchange for self-responsibility and energy.

This morning I had a choice: Do I want to remain in the passive, supposedly ‘cozy’ state of the early morning or do I want to wake up fully, gain clarity and start my day active?

It is interesting, because my example shows how we can actually make use of our ego. Our ego is our means of transport. This is something a lot of people don’t speak about. At least I find that it is not emphasized enough. The ego is not only bad.

Our ego is our messenger. It transmits the spark. The idea is to catch fire, recognize it and carry it through – burning down our resistance – willingly.

How do we do it WITHOUT ego? We don’t. What we do is, we make use of our ego and then we shift gears and allow our subconscious or our body to take over.

This, again, requires trust. The willingness to cross that line. The desire to cross that line of self-pity, fear and anxiety and trust that the grass is greener on the other side.

Don’t get me wrong. There is a time to feel comfortable. There is a time for remaining still and hibernating in our cozy cocoon. But also there is a time to step up, step out, move ahead, go your own way, make an effort for the greater good (in the end).

Sometimes we have to sacrifice comfort, friends, relationships, jobs and even the connection to our family (is it responsibility or just the feeling of duty?) in order to become our own person.

Sometimes we have this deeper knowing that there is ‘something else out there’. In my experience it is well worth it to listen to that tiny voice and disregard ALL those voices telling you that you can’t – the external and the internal. YOU CAN! You can do whatever the f* you want.

What I found out over the course of the past years, especially the last year, is that there always is something else out there – as long as we have this slight feeling, this intuition, this quiet subtle voice of our heart, our soul, however you want to call it. Even if the voice is quiet, the voice is right! GO for it!

We are allowed to grief all the things that we sacrifice, but we are also allowed to welcome our new self. Our stronger self. Our real self?

Surf the wave of change.
Commit to your own growth.
Take your goals seriously.
It is your life and you choose what to dedicate your time to.