Respond to Life

I just had an interesting revelation about now.

To respond to life means to respond to now. 

This is what it means to take responsibility for my own life. 

For some reason I always projected responsibility outwards to some point in the future.

This caused distress in my life, because it enforces constant worry about the future. 

How will I take responsibility for my life?

What does this question actually mean?!

There is no right answer.


The moment to respond to life is now.

What can I do now? 

Everything else is projection. 

And by projecting some potential outcome into the future I’m giving away control.

And this is what I suffer from every so often….

For the past couple of days I’ve been pondering the question: “How am I in control of my life?”
The answer is: By being present! That’s it.

It is so simple. And it is such a relief….

I realized it on my walk this morning. I have neglected these walks, but this morning I understood how much it helps me to arrive. 

If I don’t arrive I will never be able to take responsibility. The phrase “taking responsibility” is actually misleading, because I can’t take responsibility. 

I can only respond to life. Now.

 

Hello, Darkness

Yes, I do struggle.
Yes, I don’t know.

And yes, here it is again: “Hello darkness my old friend”* – and the blank page, my salvation… 

I recently finished a ten-day Vipassana course and I have to say that it shattered something inside of me to an immeasurable degree. It shook me and my, still so precious, existence. It shifted my perspective on basically everything I have ever done in a subtle and at the same time fundamental way I had never experienced before. 

Don’t get me wrong: I know that everything I have ever done is perfect. My past is perfect. My future is perfect. And the presence is what I still long for. And probably this is what made me sign up for the Vipassana course.

In a brief conversation I had today, this person said: “We always have expectations. Otherwise we wouldn’t do a thing.” This was very interesting for me to hear. And it reminded me of how I am creating black and white stories around what “proper” detachment should look like….

It’s OKAY to have expecations. All is okay…. Anyway, later on you will eventually get the point (maybe, maybe not;).

Sooo. What did change through Vipassana? I realized how much I was (and still am!) searching for ‘something’ outside of myself. Yes, I investigate, I reflect.

Life forced me inward several times in my life. To be much more accurate MY PAIN forced me inward, because when the pain became unbearable I had to find resources inside – just to find out that THEY ARE THERE! There ARE resources!!

I internalized, but most of the time I analyzed:

And that is the point. At the end of the day I was always looking for an abstract answer. I was, unwillingly, looking for “an easy to digest” answer – an answer that is still, more or less, acceptable by my upbringing or by my conditioning, my inner voices and internal judges…

It sounds kinda cool to move through the dark night of the soul. It sounds impressive to move kundalini energy. It sounds amazing to “walk the camino”. Nothing more and nothing less. 

I confess: I like “the sounds of it”… Transformation. Healing. Yoga and so on.

So. What Vipassana did was that it stripped allll these cozy wordings, definitions, explanations, RITUALS and STORIES off me…. 

I could finally breathe again. 

Vipassana does not serve the answer on a golden platter. It does not give constructive feedback or valuable advice. 

‘Gotama showed the path…,’ they say. Yes. Figuratively. “The path” is nothing conceptual. It is nothing logical. It is nothing to map out or to comprehend. It is nothing to understand or to study. It can only – and ONLY be walked. One-step-at-a-time. One sensation after another after another after another….

To be fair: There is no freakin’ path (no offence). There is only life itself. And when I say life I don’t mean “this one life”…. Not at all. There is life vibrating through our cells. There is life sprouting from our veins.

There is no such thing as “the core of our being”. There is only being. 

It’s the conceptualization, the intellectualization that is keeping me trapped within my own mind. 

Vipassana forced me to open the gate. Or did it rip apart the fence? I don’t know and it honestly does not matter.

Vipassana let life within me run free. And this left traces in my consciousness.

There is some novelty, a new realization awakening within myself…

The purges have been purged. And now life is urging to move me the way I’m supposed to move…. And now writing this down here I can feel the ‘intellect’ creeping in asking: “What are you talking about?” 

To use the words of Satya Narayan Goenka, one of the leading teachers of the method of Vipassana: “There is only flux and flow.” 

Nothing to suppose. Only to surrender.

And today I do surrender to darkness, because darkness knows more than me. It grounds me. It helps me grow if I let it….

* Simon & Garfunkel, 1964 😉

 

Grinding Through Transformation

What the hell. THAT’S the time we have been anticipating. Change is here. Right at our fingertips.

It is UP TO US to make the most of it. 

Since the beginning of the year there is a post on “reversed resolutions” that I am wanting to share, but I am never quite there. Haha. It’s coming! I promise. 

SO. What IS happening right now? 

Honestly, these times are such an up and down!  I feel like I am swirling through the energies.

One moment I am boldly visualizing the future of humanity. The next moment I am cocooned in my old belief patterns – desperately trying to get rid of them…

This morning I understood something. And this is what makes me ‘hammer’ the keyboard now and again…

‘Do the things you want to do. You will automatically GET BETTER at whatever you are doing.’

And there is more to that: We learn from everything. Every experience. Every “mis-aligned” choice. Every shitty job. Every “bad boss” or bossy girlfriend (I have no idea who needs to hear this, but who am I to decide;)

We learn. We progress – from one point to another. (I am consciously choosing this definition of progress. Progress is NOT A STRAIGHT LINE. And I believe that this is even more crucial to understand than ever before – at least since I was born).

We always progress. We always transfrom. 

What makes this so significant? Sometimes I become soooooo impatient – with myself, my writing, the world – even with my friends.

There. Must. Be. Something. Moving. OMG. Hahahaha. I was soooo obsessed with continuous progress that I forgot to ARRIVE….

The difference from five years ago is: By now I know what to do when I am in a state of black and white thinking or plain ‘denial’…. I go for a walk, I dance or I roll out the yoga matt and MOVE – as simple as that….

Yesterday was one of those moments.

Self-doubt caused a nagging pain in my abdominals.

My thoughts were literally choking me. 

I WALKED. I walked fast across the park nearby. 

All of a sudden there was this tiny voice or should I say sensation in my chest area.

It said: “You are not alone.” (‘aaahaa….’ I sighed.) 

Silently I shouted to the sky: “LORD GIVE ME A SIGN”

When I turned my gaze I saw two rabbits about three meters away from me jumping happily into the sunset…. 

In awe and completely motionless I could feel my heart filling up with gratitude.

There was lightness – a deep knowing that the path is always there. I AM NOT ALONE IN THIS. 

What do I want to say with this post? KEEP trusting. Keep grinding through transformation. We are in this together and there is always light to be discovered.

 

How to Humble Yourself

Life is full of paradox. In order to “master” our experience here on earth we get to embrace the paradox. We get to understand that we are a part of the whole – THE ALL – nothing more and nothing less.

I wrote about it many times: The role of appreciation and gratitude. The ACCEPTANCE of the “3D”.

Nevertheless there is some universal truth being revealed to me every single day I walk on this earth. I’m doing my best to let it run free…

By now I finally understand why I did not “get” it earlier?! Because I CAN’T GET it. I am not the all. I am a part of it and every single day I experience its manifestations. I am a witness, to (modestly) say the least.

And more and more I can see the beauty in this experience….

Every single day there is some new aspect unfolding in front of my eyes like a delicate leaflet of an unseen flower I have known for an eternity.

And more than ever I am understanding how I have created this experience with intention – intention that I have set in the darkest moments of my life.

How? Yeah, tell me how?

I TRANSMUTED energies…. Nothing more and nothing less. To say it with the hermetic teachings:

“Mastery consists not in abnormal dreams, visions and fantastic imaginings or living, but in using the higher forces against the lower – escaping the lower planes by vibrating on the higher. Transmutation, not presumptuous denial, is the weapon of the Master.”

The Kybalion

What does that mean? We don’t create a new reality by mere imagination.

I can literally feel the resistance towards this truth in my every day encounters and even in the “spiritual community” (If there is such thing. I honestly don’t know…).

I can feel it within myself too! My body forcefully separates me from my imaginations… The further I proceed the more I am forced to let go of the idea that I had about enlightenment or the state of being awake….

So. I decided to give this little piece of advice a go in order to conserve my insights. This is what I recently understood about “the way back” to union.

Don’t take things personal.

This morning on the train I had the urge to start writing this down. “This is not about you. You are a vessel of energy. Nothing more and nothing less. Nothing that ever happens to you has anything to do with you. ”

Our train was delayed and it was unclear if I was able to catch my connecting train – and so did the other passengers. I had a choice: Do I get angry or do I use my time to nap or write or read? The delay of the train was a gift for me. It was definitely not the “evil Deutsche Bahn” or stuff like that. The thing that happened to you or to me. The whaterverness – it is nothing personal. It blows my mind how simple this is….

Give what you have.

So, when nothing ever is something personal why would we obsess about belongings, thoughts or ideas? Let go of greed. Greed only cultivates dark matter. It literally rivets us to the lower planes of reality! I don’t say that you have to give everything away. I don’t. I don’t say to give up all your belongings. But don’t cling to it. Don’t consider it as your security.

Give up the control. You can’t hold on to anything anyways, so why not give what you are capable of giving? I will never forget the moment when I decided to GIVE. Looking back, I think it was the moment when my life started to shift. It was when I was living in a WG and I stopped counting who bought the last toilet paper or filled the salt shaker. It was when I was asked for clothing by a homeless on the street and when I handed a warm puffy jacket to him. It was when I decided to “pay my dues”. What do I mean by that? I received this life. Now, I understood, it was time to give.

Practice GRATITUDE.

This leads me to the next point: It sounds platitudious, I know. However it is crucial. I only understand the meaning of Gratitude NOW. When I learnt to GIVE I simultaneously learnt to receive…

The more I value my experience here on earth the more I value myself – and I mean “the good and the ugly”.

The more I accept that everything is a part of me, the more I am learning to accept myself with all my gifts and my shortcomings (also materialistic ones).

This is something I had to understand – tediously. The word gratitude sounds exploited by our cultural narration. I saw people getting very aggressive when they where invited to be grateful. I want to invite those even more to appreciate what is. Appreciate even your resistance and you will witness how (and what) transforms in front of your eyes!

Take yourself seriously.

This might sound a bit contradictory to the first point I mentioned. What I mean by that is: Take your ABILITIES serious, because they are your GIFTS. This is very connected to the practice of gratitude.

Do what needs to be done. Learn what needs to be learnt. NURTURE your challenges instead of condemning them.

You ARE here for a reason! And you have homework to do. You know exactly what to do. So, go ahead and do it. Appreciate it – seriously!

Follow the signs….

You are always guided. You are never alone. Never. There are the subtleties that show you the way. Sometimes your authentic YES is a hell NO in your mind. So, how do you differentiate? That’s a tricky one. And it is very individual. I think this is about patience. Practice to sit with yourself. Practice to live through your emotions in order to understand their language. Life is constantly talking to you. It is up to you to listen….

That’s it for now.

Enjoy the ride and speak soon <3

 

I Bow to You, Life!

I want to embrace every single moment.
Merge with the beauty of Now.
Return from the realm of phantasy.
Among all the ways I wish to find the way home.
Share my wisdom in silence.
Lay down my arms.
Demolish all resistance.
I want to find the way back with grace – in devotion to life.
Tap into beauty wherever I go.

I give and I take with all my being.
I open up to possibility here and now.
I am.
I arrive.
I offer my full heart to the moment.
I bow to you life.
I connect to source from the core of my being.
I launch the channel.
I receive with every cell of my body.

 

The Subtle Surrender

The power of deconditioning lies in my physical body.
My fabric releases the blockages that are separating my being from aliveness.

All of sudden it is there – without me doing anything about it.

My body is the vehicle for my self-actualization.
It inherits all the knowledge and all the power to transform.
I am able to transform physical matter and this way I am also transforming my mind.

There is the subtle surrender.
The magic’s unfolding.
The clarification takes place.

It all is the divine – the light and the dark.
Everything else is separation.
There is no good and no bad.
All is love.

There is liberation to be found in the tiniest moments as soon as we accept what there is.
If we receive with no expectation, then is the moment we expand our consciousness and we heal the whole earth.

This is an appeal: Can we love and unite without prejudice?

Can we replace judgment with love?

When will we understand that love is not a feeling?
It is an eternal force that is part of our DNA.
It is a prerequisite for evolution.
The opening of our hearts is our chance for union. If we drop our armour, peace takes place.

What’s necessary?
It will be necessary to grief – in communion.
It will be necessary to feel it all to the end.

We can’t deny what belongs to us anyways!
We can’t deny what we have done to ourselves and to our earth and that’s okay.
That’s the plan – our destiny.

Ease into your pain.
Hold yourself tightly.
Be okay with not being okay.
This too shall pass.
You are the divine incarnated with all there is.

I love you.

Random human being

 

Productive Gratitude

There is SO MUCH moving right now. This “stream of consciousness” moved through me just now. So I decided to let it out:

There is a fundamental truth I understood on a different level: We are all the same. We all have the same life force. We are all walking through this life with the same intention: To move energy – no matter if we are aware of it or not.

At the end of the day everyone of us is crucial.

Everyone of us has a purpose – the purpose to just be.

Omg, this purpose is so simple that it literally blows my mind when I try to put it into words, because as soon as I am trying to phrase it, it sounds so pathetic – too simple to be true.

Bizarre and surreal to most human beings who ‘distant’ themselves from aliveness so far off.

Still there is truth no one can deny: We are transforming matter from one state to another. Our emotions are our fuel to transform that matter, because they dictate what we do – short term and in the long run…

There is no human better or worse. There is no one on a higher level. The guru is us – you, me.

There is STILL such a huuuge misconception around the word ‘guru’. There is soooo much resistance created by splitting ourselves apart. We split us apart until nothing is left.

As soon as we’d understand that we are all one, that absolutely no being, no plant, not a single atom on this planet is separate, we’d find peace….

How could we do that? By FEELING OUR FEELINGS fully. And by assisting each other to do the same – safely. Without being judged and without judgment of ourselves.

I know that this is a long way to go. So let’s better start NOW.

If we take the time to just be there for a moment, be present with what and who is.

If we take the time to hold a hand, to look another person in the eyes, to not look through them, THIS is when we are creating change…

“Productive Gratitude” – this is a phrase my mind came up with the other day when I expressed my gratitude towards my fellow “yoga-retreaters” I journeyed with at “The Journey Through The Chakras” by Refeel Yoga.

All of a sudden I felt this huuuuuge connection – to myself, to this group, to the ALL.

And as sudden as this sensation arrived I felt it FOR MY WORK, for any work that I am doing – even the work I don’t love. The daily work. The 9-5. The 24/7. Whatever it is. I felt grateful for it and I DID IT with thankfulness for being able to do it.

If I am expressing my gratitude with EVERY SINGLE ACTION I will inevitably change the world.

How is this possible?

Because I am BECOMING gratitude. And by becoming it I am acting from a place that is not defined by trans-action.

I am doing and I am moving on at the same time (this is a small reference to Tao Te Ching;)

It is NOT easy. Definitely not. It is hard. In order to become gratitude I have to become myself first.

A quest of a life-time – a quest I am forever grateful for.

Namaste 🙏

 

Understanding The Patterns

Oftentimes we are so absorbed in our own story.
We claim our suffering to be so unique to us.

It’s not.

It’s historical suffering.

“First you have to understand that your are dreaming all the time,” I don’t remember the full quote of Don Miguel Ruiz, author of “The Four Agreements”.

But this snippet of wisdom captures it so well.

What we think is reality, is a creation of our thougths. Fully.

When you think about your past and your future? What are you thinking about?

You are thinking thoughts that are conditioned by your upbringing, by the media, by the story you have been told about what is possible and what is not possible…

You are retelling yourself the same story over and over again until you belief that this is reality.

If you’d drop these thougths, what would be possible?

Oh my god, there is soooooo much revelation taking place right now.

I know that you are experiencing the similar.

It is the removal of the roadblocks.

For some of us it is a painful removal. Like a surgical intervention.

For some it is smooth – the most natural process. Like the opening of a flower.

One has to deal with freedom. It can be painful to let go of the patterns.

Painful to understand that all the turmoil was created in your head in the fist place.

The anger and frustration is what comes up. But then there is the relief. Laughter. The dance of joy!

You freakin’ did it!!!

And yes, it was that simple.

Nevertheless there is no reason to shame yourself.

You had to live through it all in order to become aware of the lessons.

What is happeing to me?

I’m becoming aware of the lightness I am built of.
All density is created.
All trauma is imposed – partly self-imposed.

I am able to forgive myself and everyone around me.
Because we are all the result of our circumstances. And we are all lovable with everything we are.

There is no one to blame.
So I take action whole-heartedly.

I stand up. I stand in my power for once and for all. With you.

 

The Magic of No Expectation

Drop your expectations completely.
This is how everything resolves.
No strings attached.
There is nothing to expect.
No outcome is ever the same.
Expect absolutely nothing.

Oh my god I found the key to everything. How could I not understand this all the way?

I am LOADED with expectation.
Expectation of how I should feel.
Expectation of how I ought to react.
Expectation of what I am about to make sense of…

The solution is to let it all go.
To enter into a state of meditation in every single moment of my life with every single cell of my body.

I let the appreciation flow through me and connect the dots of being alive.

My cells, my lungs, my body. The air. Nutrients. All of it belongs to me like I belong to this earth.

Nothing’s hard without expectation.