Accept where you are.
Focus on the positive.
“Growth is uncomfortable. Don’t run, it will only follow you. Don’t hide, it will only scare you. Sit. Breathe. Feel the fibers of your being tear apart so that the light may shine through. Dare to grow so that you can experience a new world.”
This quote by @doveism on instagram made me pause. I remembered what I’m here for. I’m here to move ahead – and not along.
Nope, growth is everything but comfortable. And it doesn’t get any easier. Actually it even gets harder, because the path of truth becomes more narrow the further you go…
Recently I have been hiding. But I didn’t really want to face the fact that I’m hiding.
Since months I’m elaborating my ‘running patterns’. I figured out that I used to run from relationships, from responsibility, from accountability… all this serious stuff.
This morning I took a bath. And while I was soaking in the lukewarm water in a meditative state it came crashing down on me: The thing I’m hiding from (and in this sense running away from) is my own strength. Instead of my willpower I’m still applying some sort of self-pity when it comes to making tough decisions.
I reached a point in my life where I have to make a decision. Do I want to tap into my power, yes or no? Do I want to work in the name of my own values? Do I want to fight the good fight for good? Or do I want to keep talking about it?
‘I don’t know if I can do it’ – How many times did I doubt my abilities? How many times did I thought ‘This time I reached a dead end.’; ‘This time I’ve gone too far’, ‘This time I’ve lost it.’ (Well, what is there to lose anyway?) How many times did I nearly drop this whole self-development thing and chose the trodden path?
And how many times did I expand in the end? How many times did I grow above me?
‘Dare to grow’ – Thanks Dove for the reminder to be courageous.
The time is now. Come on, universe, tear those fibers apart!
“You don’t have time to meditate for ten minutes a day? Then do it for one hour..” This became my philosophy – at least for the past two weeks…
Two weeks ago – in a casual moment of ‘overwhelm’ – I decided to gift myself one hour of silence a day.
I’m fourteen days into the ‘do-nothing-challenge’ – it is harder than I expected (of course, haha), but more than necessary.
I have to admit – I skipped one day. On Friday last week I had some drinks with my colleagues and afterwards I went straight to bed.
But I decided to not be too hard on myself…
On many days I had problems arriving within myself.
I was so caught up in daily tasks and the high demands I still have on my personal development.
A lot of days I would sit down impatiently, waiting for the time to pass – desperately looking for connection with my true self.
I would have problems even concentrating for one minute. Instead I would ask myself if I would ever come back to myself?
Slowly a sensation inside of me awoke. I could spot my own resistance. The harder I try to focus the less I’m allowing my body and my mind to rest.
The challenge evolves – day after day…
Quickly I realized that it doesn’t make sense to make this challenge about focus or ‘achieving’ connection. It is impossible to ‘achieve’ connection – I rather ‘allow’ it. I only have to allow myself to ‘be’….
Instead of following a specific meditation technique, I’ve decided to allow myself to go wherever I want to go – at this point in time….
What can I do towards my own healing? What is my soul calling upon? What does my body need?
These are questions that come up.frequently to come – not necessarily to my mind, but to my senses..
Sometimes my body feels so tired that I have to lay down for my meditation. Sometimes I’m staring at a candle for one hour. Sometimes I’m falling asleep. Sometimes I clean myself with the violet flame. Sometimes I pray for my soul tribe. Sometimes I pray for the whole world.
Two days ago for example I was meditating with my favourite stone to help me clear my thinking: the fluorit. Also I’ve started to work with energy healing tools like the “tibetian eight”.
More and more I’m listening to the demands of my body instead of following a strict routine.
I am very flexible with the way I’m spending this hour. Sometimes I’m sitting on a pillow, on a carpet or on my yoga mat. Some days I’m laying in my bed, other days I’m laying on the ground. Last Tuesday I joined a sound bowl meditation at an urban salt cave here in Munich. The frequencies helped me to destress my nervous system…
The only conditions that I have upon this challenge is that I’m not allowed to ‘tense up’. If I catch myself clinging to worries and negative self-beliefes I’m directing my attention towards source or my sacral or solar plexus chakra. And if necessary I’m manipulating my parasympathikus by deep breathing or breathing exercises like square breathing.
Slowly I’m developing my very individual tools to arrive in the present moment. And this is kind of my first learning.
I’m Not a Victim of My Thinking
In this hour – and possibly in every moment of my life – I can choose. I can choose if I want to consciously be aware of my reality. Or I can choose to drift away. I can choose to fall for destructive patterns over and over again or I can choose to heal. I can choose to think positive and move towards the light. I can choose expansion – or contraction. It is totally up to me.
If I don’t want to become a victim of them I HAVE to choose my thoughts. There is a sentence roaming around in my head since I’ve started this job at the reception of a very busy and – let’s call it ‘socially challenging’ hostel: “Stress you didn’t have, you didn’t have”.
I can totally choose how I react in any given situation. And by reacting I’m not only talking about physical action, but also my mental response to it. I caught myself worrying over and over again. What will the future bring? Is it a good idea to jump into a relationship with somebody I just met? Would I rather leave and travel? Is there any way to travel again? Was it a good idea to start that job?
What lies underneath this chronic worrying is joy. The joy of being alive. And this is what the ‘do-nothing-challenge’ reminds me of…
On Saturday – day ten of my challenge I had kind of a breakthrough. It was one of my ‘days of clarity’ – what I like to call them. On these days I can identify clearly how my thoughts project my version of reality on a situation or on the way I view myself… Crystal clear I can differentiate – between my perspective and what a situation looks like from a different point of view…
I had this deep sensation of ‘arrival’ within my body. It felt like I’m arriving in my lower body: My legs, my sexual organs, my hips and my lower abdominals – everything filled up with life like a sponge which was dry for a very very long time.
I am Allowed to Surrender
These learnings go hand in hand… I came to the conclusion that I’m the only one who is building walls with my resistance. I’m capable of holding on to energies and I’m capable of letting them go. It is within my power to do that. I can choose if I want to cling or if I want to – yeah, right – LET GO..
I am Not my Perfectionism
“Do I want to destroy this situation? Yes or no?” – How many times did I impose my own perfectionism on others? And how many times did I destroy a situation only by inflicting overly high expectations on myself? This is a thought that rattles me for quite a while now. I found out that my ‘perfectionism’ is part of my astrological birth chart. How do I exteriorize my perfectionism? I’m trying to be ‘the perfect human’ in any given situation and I barely allow myself mistakes. And this is what is kind of holding me back from attaining close friendships.
What do I mean by that? The measurements I’m putting on myself are threatening to others. Subconsciously friends might think I won’t accept them if they don’t meet the standards I put on myself. I had no idea how destructive my perfectionism could be.
I found out that I won’t ruin this challenge if I apply loose regulations. That’s why it is called the ‘do-nothing-challenge’. I am allowed to do nothing (once in a while;).
I Can Let go of Heavy Energies
There is this belief still dominating my mind (and also the mind of many others): The belief that empathetic people are weak.
For a couple of years now I’m studying a system called human design. So far I haven’t talked about it at all on this blog. According to this system humanity is divided into five different energy types: manifestors, generators, manifesting generators, projectors and reflectors. So far I haven’t talked about it on my blog, but most of my friends know that I’m studying those energy types quite thoroughly.
Each of them has a different way of obtaining energies and of householding with energies. I’m a projector – one of the so called ‘non-energy-types’.
I’m a person who is very open for energies of other individuals and groups. Many of the so called projectors can be considered as ’empaths’.
For a long time I thought empathetic people are a victim to negative energies. But in reality it is quite the opposite. Through my meditation challenge I’m learning that I can release all these energies. I don’t have to hold on to energies that don’t serve me…
It is quite a process that I have initiated with this challenge. I am beyond excited to continue my journey.
I will stop making empty promises in my blog posts. I will probably post some more within the next two weeks…
I love you all!
Don’t be scared of your trauma. It is your way back.
Do you know these people who set the room on fire with their energy? It can be a colleague, a friend, a friend of a friend, a family member or somebody else you met personally. They spread such a lightness. Their mood affects the whole group.
Intuitively they seem to respond to every (social) situation. They seem to express themselves naturally – in a way like nothing can interfere with their peace. A welcoming aura surrounds them that draws you in…
What do they do differently?
I ask some counterquestions:
When was the last time you started singing in the shower as loud as you can? When was the last time you were smiling at a stranger? – Not just a friendly smile, but a smile from the bottom of your heart? When was the last time you were happy for no obvious reason?
How many days do you spend caught up in the bubble of your head? How many days are you putting up a mask?
The core of our being supplies us with energy. And this energy manifests in happiness, appreciation or expression of excitement.
This energy radiates from the core of our being – if we let it. But a lot of times we don’t let it.
So what about these people who are like a warming fire on a winter’s night?
The energy that radiates around them is the energy of a kid climbing a tree. They act out their inner child – with grace and wonder. They are never getting out of touch with their playfulness.
They don’t only express their excitement (verbally or with their behaviour), but also their vulnerability. And this is what creates trust and in the end encourages people to be themselves too.
They are the real role models – the ones who demonstrate confidence without being manipulative.
Love circulates around them.
If we want to manifest love we have to stop creating walls that disconnect us from our environment and ourselves.
Our mind is always trying to protect ourselves. We are trying to ‘fit in’. This is how our society is organized. We have to fit in. We have to adapt. We can’t follow our own rhythm.
But this is what moves us away from a purposeful and authentic life. And this is the root cause of all problems.
‘Owning your power’ means to be able to celebrate our singularities in any given moment – without a self-regulating voice in our head that tells us how to behave.
To surrender to the moment equals to surrender to yourself.
We have to encounter ourselves and the world around us with kindness and admiration of what is.
This is spreading the seed of unconditional love. This is how we create a sanctuary for the ‘un-loved-ones’ – everybody who is craving connection.
“Breaking the ice” means melting the hardcover.
If we keep sustaining our hardcovers we suspend ourselves from life.
With vulnerability and approachability compassion is possible.
This is how we connect with each other on a core level – by sharing this little spark inside of us.
Let us be the people who shine the light and set the world on fire.
I occupy myself.
I’m occupied with myself.
I’m occupied with being myself.
I’m occupied with being occupied with being myself.
I’m occupied with an image of myself.
I’m standing on top of Hirschgarten Bridge in Munich. The traffic is buzzing around me.
I’m typing the beginning of a new article into my phone. Interestingly about ‘listening’.
To be honest, I was not able to listen to anything at all, because I was so harassed by my thoughts or let’s say ‘haunted by my own demands’:
“It’s really time to finish a new article.” “You have to prepare the photo project.” “And when are you going to practice Italian again?!”
The circus of my mind blasted. My brain clutter occupied all my senses.
In a few minutes I would meet my friend Patrick to have a chat about a photography project in cooperation with some founders from Munich.
All of a sudden my stomach is contracting. I feel like I’m completely hungover – without having been drinking anything.
Something else happened the day before that drained my energy: After my first ever full-body Thai Massage I cracked.
The Thai Masseuse: “Relax your muscles.”
Me: “I can’t.”
My body: “What the fuck are you talking about?!”
The massage was very painful. I expected that. But what happened four hours after the massage blew my mind.
I was writing on my computer at a co-working space when my lower abdominals started to burn slightly. I just took a deep breath to ease the pain.
A few minutes later I could feel a stinging pain circling around my navel. It started from my diaphragm circumnavigating my ribcage down to the core of the muscles around my pelvis.
“You have to move your body,” Patrick who I was working with tried to encourage me. So I moved – even though all I wanted was to lay down.
The pain started to hulk up. I was whining and shouting at the same time while my legs could barely hold my upper body.
It became unbearable. Instead of the U-Bahn I had to take a taxi home. The driver nearly hospitalized me. “Fuck no, they wont help me! Drive me home!!!,” I protested loudly.
In cold sweat and tears – after a lengthy traffic jam – I finally reached home.
I needed help.
The only person I could think of was Ralf – the only fitness trainer I know. Despite the fact that we hadn’t talked in ages I dialed his number.
With self-evidence he examined the pain with me. “Your body releases tension. Of course it hurts,” he scotches my concerns.
Apparently a muscle tension or better say ‘adherence’ released amongst my inner organs. Finally ‘loosened’ they fell into place again. “Actually the masseuse did a good job, if this is the result…,” Ralf lifted my spirits pointing out that this tension must have persisted for years.
Just by talking to him I relaxed – as good as I could. I nearly had to laugh about myself now.
You might ask yourself: “What does this have to do with ‘being preoccupied’?”
Through this experience I realized HOW much I’m gripping. How much I can not ‘let go’ of the image I have of myself.
Back to Hirschgarten bridge:
I’m standing there with my phone in my hand trying to ‘get something done’.
It is a beautiful day. The blue of the sky covers the city like a cozy blanket. The sun gives her warmest warmth possible on this early November day.
In the distance I can see the famous twin towers of Frauenkirche. I turn my face towards the sun to catch some UV beams with closed eyes.
When I open them again I can see the tops of the mountains at the end of the street southwards. As the traffic lights stop the cars next to me this view let’s me repose too.
Gentle release is crawling up my spine. It broadens my chest and opens my heart. Smoothly my body is warming up from head to toe – and so does the expression on my face. Even my feet are warm now.
This was a moment of grounding.
This moment on the bridge reminded me that everything I need is right here. I can perceive the magic of the moment if I stop being occupied with ‘doing me’.
What do I have to do instead?
“Relaxxx,” the Thai masseuse would say.
“Open up to the moment.” “Allow yourself to be present in order to heal.” This is the advice I would give to myself.
Why is this all so fundamental?
I’m taking myself so serious that it hurts. I understood how much I’m physically inhering my body. The clinging of my mind manifests in my physical body.
This is the opposite of surrendering to the moment.
I will never increase my productivity in a state of stress. I will never find connection with myself or anybody else in a state of stress. I will never be happy in a state of stress. And on top of it: I will never ‘be myself’ or ‘in my full power’ in a state of stress. Lao Tzu said: “When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.”
And most fundamentally: If I compromise my relaxation I’m jeopardizing my health. There is absolutely nothing more important than my body.
I’m struggling with stress ever since. Already in the first grade I remember my sweaty feet. Nobody cared about it during this time. But now I have the power to care for my stress-level myself.
My body showed me several times that I have to relax. In the past I suffered from heart-burn. There were times when I could only eat grated carrots and apple because my body wouldn’t digest a thing without making my throat burn like fire.
A couple of years later I could barely move my chest, because my muscles had built a so called ‘armoring,’ how Wilhem Reich, the initiator of body-oriented psychotherapy describes it.
Since years I’m carrying these tense muscles around. Yoga, meditation and targeted exercises help me to constantly release this tension.
Maintaining my health – more than anything else needs to be my priority. But not in a way of “I have to eat healthy”. “I have to quit smoking.”
No, fuck no. Well, of course smoking is bad, but I don’t want to make my non-smoking my addiction. Otherwise I will become occupied with ‘trying to eat healthy’ or ‘being a non-smoker’.
It is more important to listen to the signs of my body, to allow myself rest, when I need it, to listen to what my body really wants instead of being occupied with what I think I have to want.
A couple of months ago I wrote a similar article. Please check it.
What you think is your ‘goddamn right’ is your prison.
What you think is your desire is your addiction.
What you think is your self-expression is forcing your will on others.
Will I finally shatter my resistance and surrender to the battle?
I found a treasure in my heart and I will never let go of it again.
I’m taking my teachers serious. I treat my body as a temple.
I’m communicating clear.
All the lows are temporary.
What other people think, want or do is none of my business.
Nobody apart from myself knows what I need.
Nobody apart from myself has to understand me.
I’m not responsible for other people’s feelings nor am I responsible for their decisions.
My inner joy is my strongest force.
My playfulness is my power.
My love for life is stronger than anything else.
I don’t need to be perfect.
I don’t have to take advice.
I can just sit and smile.
With ease I welcome every situation and every encounter.
I’m pioneering my life according to my own rules.
Society is the last thing that can impose pressure on me.
As long as I feel joy I will guide my own way.
Nobody can take the life away from me apart from life itself.
I’m owning my experience of the world.
I’m owning my power.
I’m a child and I’m able to adjust to every situation.
I accept life as it is.
I’m finding comfort in the eye of the storm.
I’m not turning blunt.
I will feel even more.
I’m standing there – embracing the rush.
Love is running through my veins.
A stranger smiles at me – twice.
Another stranger is glancing gently.
It is this moment when I realize that I have found what I had been looking for.
Finally the fire in my heart is burning beautifully.
Where there was repulsion there is passion.
Where there was tension there is lightness.
Where there was envy there is compassion.
Where there was emptiness there is love.
A massive burst erupts the shell.
There is nothing to achieve.
There is nothing to detest.
There is nothing to desire.
All of a sudden I realize that there is no resistance left.
There is only “surrenderance”.
I breathe out everything. I give my lower belly another press to get rid of the last trace of resistance. And then I release my muscles completely.
“Germany is one thing: various,” says the advertisement of the German Government in the subway.
A tear is generously watering my eye.
I realize how much my perception had changed.
I practiced to see.
I practiced to learn.
I practiced to surrender.
All of this became a part of my life. I co-exist. I create energy from a magical place within.
I can easily breathe away the tension. The mentor is within myself.
Have I learnt to utilize my tools yet?
I can see beauty everywhere I go.
My ego is not being busy ‘getting’.
I can fully perceive. I can fully immerse if I’m fully perceptive of my environment.
How can I be fully perceptive?
By not taking things personal.
By not being busy fulfilling needs.
By observation instead of judgement.
By opening the heart and shutting down the mind.
By dropping prejudice, disbelief and compulsive behaviour.
What can happen?
Absolutely nothing if I stop controlling and finally allow imperfection.
I have to replace motives with sympathy, moral with truth, intention with action and hesitation with trust.
It is the recovery of authenticity.
Where does it all start?
It starts with a fire within.
When are you going to understand that the world owes you nothing, but you owe something to the world? – Your excitement.
I lack the understanding of form. This is why I lack the understanding of symbolism. This is why I lack the understanding of boundaries.
Because form – in a sense of entities, in a sense of personalities or roles – doesn’t exist according to my understanding of the world.
This is why I CAN’T define myself or the other. I see through them. I see through me. I see them through me and me through them.
I see myself as a means of transport, a flashlight, a catalyst….
There is nothing to define. There is might be not even something to reflect? There is only to discover. But what there is to discover is not ‘something’. It is it – many before me named it – awareness, consciousness, oneness, ‘the way‘. In the end this is ‘us’.
My thoughts mask my consciousness. My thoughts are trying to define. This way they are closing my eyes.
Lacking the form is a good start. Probably this is something that distinguishes my way of thinking from the thinking of most beings. But the mask is there.
Expansion means to get rid of this mask, get rid of all thoughts. A beginning would be to not believe them. To not do what they are telling me. At a max these thoughts want to point in some direction.
Do you want to come with me?
What is there? Fear? Anger? Doubt? What are you the most afraid of? What seems to be the biggest challenge of your life? Define it. The more precisely you can define it the more shockingly will be the impact. The impact on and of what? The impact on your belief-system by dropping this fear.
The thing you identify has to be the thing to fully let go of.
If you never got in touch with any form of meditation you might have issues with this, but you will get there.
Imagine this challenge, this fear. And now let go of it. How? Drop it, push it over the edge. It doesn’t belong to you. It is only a thought. So let go. Dive into trust instead. Completely.
I imagine this trust as a warming and comforting bathtub. The doubts and threats and dangers are imposed, constructed, dictated. They are trying to hold us back from diving into the soothing bathtub.
What’s the water in the bathtub? It is the essence itself. It is pure love.
If we are ready to immerse into the unknown we are going to experience it.
Resistance and disbelief are the fences. Prejudice and self-hatred are the bouncers at the doorway to paradise.
Paradise how I understand it – a place of unity, a place of wholeness, a place where true innovation is possible.
If we discharge our mind from its responsibility true innovation will be possible.
If we don’t believe our thoughts the unbelievable will be possible.
All we need to do is to get rid of our resistance and dive into trust.
The red of the early morning sun brightens up the facades of Munich.
It is 6:28 am.
The Olympiaturm shimmers in the distance.
A heavy warmness soothes my heart and my whole body.
Tears roll down my cheek.
What a great miracle is this life?
And I’m a part of it. I’m a part of something much bigger than myself.
A humble gratitude comes over me.
As the day is dawning it dawns me what an incredible opportunity this life is?
All these challenges. All these obstacles. All the confusion invites me – like this day is inviting me – to keep exploring.
Opportunities open up every single day in my life.
It is up to me to only focus on the obstacles or to focus on the possibilities.
And what is possible? Basically everything that I can imagine and everything that I want to afford.
Everything I’m willing to pay the price for.
Why would I spend so much time deciding which direction to go? There is only forward. Okay, I might take detours. I might ‘waste’ some time.
But hey. I’m trying new things nearly every day. I’m getting more and more inventive when it comes to ‘making a living’.
Maaaaan, I thought I lost it. I was looking for my excitement for months.
Yesterday night I was sitting at the campfire at my favourite campground in Munich. This year and last year I spent a couple of weeks at “The Tent”, but for some reason this place feels like home.
There were some italians sitting next to me. “Di dove siete?,” I’ve started a one hour conversation with this couple.
“Why do you speak italian?,” the german guy next to me asked me.
In this moment I realized what I had learnt in the past two years. Not only italian language skills, but essential knowledge about life.
I am so fucking grateful for every person who dipped my nose into my own truth.
“You have to take off your mask.” “Put yourself on number one.” “You are lost.” “Breeaaaathe in and out and in and out and in and out.”
More than ever before I realize that this is all the process of non-stop-learning.
Most of us think there is a goal. Most of us think there is something to reach – on a spiritual level, but there is only the expansion of our own consciousness and the daily work.
I read a headline on Medium the other day. It said something like “Get Out Of The Start Up Porn”. I haven’t opened this article, but I can liveley picture its content.
We are creating the perfect business in our head.
We are creating the perfect relationship in our head.
We are creating the perfect amount of money on our bank account.
We are creating our dream job.
“I did the most when I didn’t have money,” Nicolas, a talkative italian guy told me in the kitchen of ‘The Tent’ a couple of weeks ago. “It stretches my inventive spirit not to have much money,” Kunal, a soccer street performer, reflects his situation.
“Yeah, but it also limits your imagination of what is possible,” the german “But” replies.
Well, I get it. Money is a means of transport, a source of energy. We can’t survive without it. But does it really set us free?
I doubt it deeply. The happiest people I have ever met, the ones that unwittingly infected me with their life energy, they didn’t have money or they are not ‘doing it for the money’.
Money is not their major propulsion.
What are they doing? They are just following the invitations. They are not trying to create their dream life – they just live it. Now. They play the game. They follow their excitement. They actually take the opportunities instead of contemplating about them.
This is what it is all about. It is about taking opportunities and they are paving the way. It is about honouring the miracle of life – every single day.
I have to follow my own vision. I have to believe in my own survival strategies. Yes, I need help, but what I really need is trust and excitement in order to stay motivated.
Today’s morning sun was my invitation to keep going, to keep learning, to keep encountering, to keep listening.
Every opportunity that I have in my life is exclusive to me. I am invited to follow my own path and so are you to follow yours….