Trust your instincts – even if your mind is rebelling.
Take action – even though it scares the shit out of you.
Experiment fearlessly – no matter what the outcome might look like.
Move forward – even though you can’t see the road.
There is only the next step. Take it now.
“Change doesn’t require motivation. It requires discipline.” I stumbled upon this quote by Mel Robbins and it hooked me. The past couple of weeks I have been struggling a lot – even though things are ‘getting better’ according to the general public, I have been confronted with a lot of anxiety, sadness and confusion.
Recently I have become impatient more often – not to say cranky, enraged or just plainly mad! Briefly: I’ve been doubting my sanity.
“How long can I handle this?” – It is easy to get stuck these days in a downward spiral.
On many occasions it was easier to not ‘do the work’. It was easier to blame the circumstances instead of taking responsibility for my own actions. But I wouldn’t be me if I wouldn’t find a way through…
What I learnt at the very beginning of the ‘pandemic’ (Or maybe even long before?) was that my mind doesn’t present answers to me that soothe the troubled waters of my psyche.
My body does – if I listen. And my body wants to scream and shout a lot at the moment…
But yesterday my body forced me to move inward. It forced my heart to soften, my tears to clear the wounds that are flaring within me from the loss and the dissatisfaction of the past well over twelve months…
“Be the change, but be patient,” I recalled my own speech from the beginning of 2021.
This morning I woke up at 6 am and I remembered: I have a choice. Either I seize the day, do my work, keep getting stronger. Or? Or what? There was no other option, but to move forward – to take another step.
Will my mental health become stable by itself? Hell, no! Will anybody apart from myself take care of my mental health? Probably not.
I got up, cleared my space and I went for a run. And no, I didn’t feel like it after a day of nearly only crying. But I knew that I had to do it in order to hold my head straight.
With every step my sight got clearer and the weight that I carried fell off my shoulders. By the time I reached the lake in the park close-by I had a smile on my face.
This threesome works as a reminder to myself. A commitment to my own power.
Writing it all down is my leap out of the apathy that I am facing right now.
So, how do I move through apathy?
Surprise, surprise. I get my body moving! “If you want to scream and shout. Dance it all out.” If you can motivate yourself to do one step, you can probably do the next one too. As soon as you start moving your body your muscles and all of your cells get flooded with oxygen, your breath gets deeper. The responses of your nervous system start to change and so does your way of thinking.
2. Do Things Differently
The other day we had no electricity at home (and in a big part of the city) and honestly: It was the best thing that could happen. It forced me to change my routine and to get out of my head (my computer). It forced me to change my perspective completely. “Let’s go and have breakfast,” I agreed with my partner and we left our ‘home office’ behind. It sounds like such a small incident, but it was a big thing as we were both suffering from some sort of cabin fever and inability to move on with our personal projects. Our cabin fever was gone. The phenomenon is called a pattern interrupt.
3. Change Your Point of View
What paralyses you? What do you have to worry about right now? Is there truly something to worry about? Do you really have to take things personally? The other day I was paralyzed because of one message that I received. It triggered some painful memories inside of me. After a while I realized that I chose to take it personally. I can choose to step back. I understood that it is just words. They have nothing to do with me if I don’t make them about me.
The other day somebody asked me “Who is your guru?”
My first reply was: “Me.”
I still think it is accurate.
I thought about the authors I’ve read.
The thousands of hours I had spent on youtube watching videos on ‘spirituality’.
I had learnt a ton and surely my brain is infiltrated with ideas and even feelings that are not mine.
But did I truly ‘learn’ about spirituality from all those mentors?
Life taught me.
I’ve started my path by realizing that I am not able to wash dishes without freaking out. (I mentioned it in my post about the role of mindfulness.) I have started my path by acknowledging my lack of presence, which cut me off life for a very very long time.
Especially in the recent months I have been struggling with this disconnect A LOT. Anxiety attacks and panic rolled over me like tsunami waves. And I am tired of holding it back! I am tired of pretending to be strong…
Well, that’s a different story (probably a bit of a contradictory one, but I guess that’s why I am here. To reveal the contradictions of ‘being a human’)…
What I am witnessing in any community that is drawn to spirituality or to ‘living compassionate’, ‘interconnected humanness’, ‘spiritual sovereignty’ is that there are many people following the ideology of others OR discounting somebody else’s ideology, which is the same thing, if we look at it plainly (something only very few people do these days)….
In both cases it is somewhat ignorant, because it forecloses learning experiences and ‘aha-moments’. We can learn from anybody, even from ideologies.
When the ‘corona crisis’ started I was stuck in India.
I don’t remember fully what I was more angry about: The fact that I knew that I can’t stay there. Or the fact that I have to go back and witness the narrow-mindedness of our society?
I was really really angry, but more than ever I am convinced that this was a ‘sacred’ rage….
Using the word ‘sacred’ reminds me of where I’m attempting to go with this post:
Spirituality is not about ‘being spiritual’. And it is not about following some idea or method or practice…
What does it actually mean to be spiritual?
Yes, I have a ton of crystals in my room. And yes, I light a lot of candles over time. And I pray to the universe.
But most of the time I’m spending my time with: developing some sort of discipline to keep my space and my mind clean. Getting my body moving. Eating proper food and drinking enough water. Developing compassion for other human beings by listening to their struggles and to my own struggles with an open heart and without judgement.
…and: doing the dishes. 😉
I am encountering ‘spiritual people’ in the same way I am encountering ‘normal people’.
We all are the freakin’ same! We all are made of the same source!
If you have an idea about what could be right and what could be wrong deep down inside of yourself, if something feels ‘tight’ (or even strangling), really ‘uncomfortable’ in a way that holds you back from getting out of bed on some days….
Then probably YOU KNOW THE TRUTH ALREADY – deep down inside of yourself, but you might close your eyes from it or you don’t honor it….
SO MANY OF US INCREDIBLE BEINGS ARE STILL LOOKING FOR ANSWERS – from the outside world, from gurus, from books, from leaders,…..
And if some or these leaders says something true: “You alone are responsible for your life. You alone can make a choice.”, they get angry or sad or frustrated.
“No, this can’t be it. There must be somebody else making a better choice for me.”
Don’t get me wrong.
I am looking for somebody making choices for me all the f*cking time.
I am a human. A lot of times I am tired or hungry or confused or not willing to make a decision… I, too, want to belong to a tribe – and ‘let them decide’.
But: I don’t blame. I am aware that ‘I can do better’. I can be a little bit more compassionate and understanding towards the person in front of me in this very moment.
I can have a little bit more love radiating from my heart in this very moment.
I can be a little bit more open for the new.
This is ‘being spiritual’.
Do you feel like giving up?
Are you angry?
Are you restless?
Breathe in deeply.
Do you blame?
Do you want to scream and shout?
Have you lost hope?
There will be a tomorrow.
thank you for reinvigorating me with energy every day.
Thank you for reemerging after the darkest of nights.
Thank you for shining the spotlight on me – if I’m ready or not.
Thank you for smiling back at me in the early morning.
Thank you for warming my chest when I can’t feel myself.
Thank you for keeping me connected to my source.
Thank you for guiding me the way every single day.
Thank you for being with me – even when you are hiding behind the cloud curtain.
I get it. I get you.
I will always bow to you.
Random human being
What if you had the time?
What if you had the answer?
What if you had what it takes?
What if you would allow flow?
What if you’d qualify yourself anew each day?
The universe works in mysterious ways.
Question your thoughts, but never lose trust.
Everything is possible. Everything is possible.
2021 is in full swing – and so am I. At least that’s the theory.
Practically I’ve been crafting THE perfect New Year’s post for the past two weeks – and of course I stressed myself out about it.
As I indicated in ‘outdated’, I want to start afresh this year – with my creative processes and also in my professional life. The year has just begun and I had already been pressuring myself towards ‘a new me’. Guess what? I cracked solemnly with this approach – and disclosed a deep truth: Change is hard.
Transformation is a long and tiring process. It requires determination. It includes the celebration of small wins and the acceptance of continuous losses.
This is what change is: It is the destruction of the old and the creation of the new – all at once. And: It is not a straight line. Inherently ‘change’ is messy.
“Being the change” – This is nothing simple to strive for. It denotes the turning of the tides and the solidity of a rock at the same time.
The other day, on one of my numerous walks during lockdown, I saw a sticker at a gutter that shouted the catchphrase: “Be the change.”
‘I am the change!,’ something inside of me shouted back.
I exhaled and felt a sense of ease when I understood: ‘I am a prototype. I evolve in iterations.’
These days we all are ‘the change’. And this big change doesn’t happen overnight. It is uncomfortable and debilitating at times and it doesn’t smell like incense sticks and essential oils.
These days I remember what this blog is about. This blog is the result of a lot of frustration and the realisation that there is no change possible in this world, if I don’t start changing myself.
“The first step is to become aware of the fog that is in your mind. You must become aware that you are dreaming all the time. Only with awareness do you have the possibility of transforming your dream.”
As Miguel Ruiz induces in ‘The Four Agreements’: I became aware that I am not aware, when I started this blog experiment in 2017.
It dawned me that I’m the creator of everything in my life – all the achievements as well as all the turmoil.
Only gradually I comprehend the depth of the deconditioning process I got myself into:
Most of our life is determined by the subconscious. And most of the time we are unconscious about what our subconscious is doing. That’s why it’s called the subconscious. I’m referring to psychoanalyst Carl Gustav Jung here, who determined the state of the art when it comes to shadow work. He claims: “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”
So, how do we not let the subconscious rule our life? Or let’s say: How do we become conscious of the unconscious?
Yes, we practice mindfulness. (Yay, I got there in the end…)
Even though mindfulness experienced a devaluation due to its inflationary use. In my personal journey of self-discovery it continually increases its significance…
So: “What’s the role of mindfulness in the process of self-discovery?”
I would say mindfulness is the protagonist of this whole play. (In the end it’s a game. Call it karma if you like.)
So, what will happen to your life, if you become more mindful?
1. You Will Arrive Where You Are
Okay, where to begin? Just to make sure we have a common ground to start from: How do I define mindfulness here?
When you research the science of mindfulness, the first thing you are going to come across is the practice of mindfulness meditation or zen meditation.
From a buddhist point of view mindfulness is the essence of meditation: By watching your thoughts pass you will create a gap between you and your thinking. You will eventually learn to differentiate the thought from the thinker. With time you will start to perceive reality in a different, less personal way. Zen master and buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh describes meditation as ‘a serene encounter with reality’.
A german translation for the word mindfulness is ‘Geistesgegenwärtigkeit’. ‘Geist’ is the spirit or the mind. ‘Gegenwärtigkeit’ is the presence. ‘Presence of mind’. What is the presence of mind, if we look at it plainly? It is being aware of what our mind is doing…
There was a time in my life when I couldn’t peel potatoes or wash the dishes without getting an anxiety attack. I was not able to focus on the present moment, because I was so tangled up in my to-do-list. I was so focussed on my achievements that regular household-chores seemed to be a waste of time to me.
There was a huge discrepancy between what I was doing in the physical world and what was going on in my head.
Life became very dissatisfying this way, because I missed it.
Through mindfulness I started to return to the presence. Already meditating for a view minutes a day changed my perception of the world around me drastically.
Especially through long-term-travelling I learnt to look closely at things. By looking closely at my environment, I learnt to look closer at my thoughts, too.
I became mindful. I stopped rushing and I started to enjoy the small things again.
2. You Get To View Yourself From a Different Perspective
‘To be mindful’ means so much more than ‘arriving in the presence’. According to etymonline it can be translated as ‘remembrance’. I like that translation.
When you become mindful, you start to remember – not only how much pleasure it is to walk slow or to prepare fresh food, but over time you will remember who you are deep down inside…
“Know thyself,” is the only way to go in the process of ‘awakening’.
How do you want to ‘know thyself’, if you never take the time to actually look at who you are?
Mindfulness is your tool in becoming aware of yourself: What are you telling yourself each day? What do you truely enjoy doing? How do you treat yourself? What do you put in your body? Do you use a lot of I ‘shoulds’ or ‘musts’?
From my current perspective on ‘awakening’ it is a constant process of surfacing – layer after layer after layer. There is so much to look at:
There is your behaviour.
There is your way of thinking.
There is your environment.
There are the activities you invest your time in, the people you spend time with, what you eat, how you are treating your body and so on and so on…
It sounds simple, but it’s a big step to look at all aspects of yourself.
3. You Will Identify Triggers And Find A Way To Transform Them
For me it is still a painful and tenacious process to admit that I am the one who creates everything in my life – every success as well as all the chaos. And I don’t mean this in a sense of ‘prompting an order to the universe’.
I create by acting – in one way or another. If I don’t take the time to look at my actions and the roots of my actions I won’t live my own life, but the life controlled by a mind that is hacked by it’s conditioning – determined by reaction rather than intentional deed.
Luckily life offers potential for growth around every corner: Triggers are the signposts towards the land of self-discovery!
These days I get triggered a lot! And every trigger shows me an arena of my life, where I’m not willing or not able to take responsibility for my own life at the moment.
4. You Will Reveal Your True Motives
A quote of buddhist nun Pema Chördrön demonstrates the role of mindfulness in the process of self-discovery: “The most fundamental aggression to ourselves, the most fundamental harm we can do to ourselves, is to remain ignorant by not having the courage and the respect to look at ourselves honestly and gently.”
What do you want? And what do you think you want? How do you spend your time?
The more your start looking at yourself, the more you will ask yourself why you behave a certain way. And this is where the magic of mindfulness starts to unfold.
What drives you, really? What are your true values? Which values do you share with your friends and your family?
We are conditioned to believe in what we see. “To have faith is to believe unconditionally,” writes Don Miguel Ruiz in “The Four Agreements”.
What we see in our own reality is not what we are or what we are capable of. It is a story that either we have created ourselves or that has been told in order to make life a comprehensible experience. The human mind loves context.
It’s good to have context, but expansion can only happen if we create ‘space’ for ourselves. Imagine for a moment you would pursue exactly what you want to achieve in your life. You think you would fail? Have you tried it? I wrote an article on this two years ago…
The more mindful you become the more you will realize that the image you have created of yourself is just – yes – an image. You can easily rewrite it, reframe it, recolour it. But first you have to identify which story you are telling yourself.
The more aware you become of your true feelings and your needs the more aware you will automatically become of which beliefs are holding you back.
Slowly you will uncover your motives, recover your faith and ‘reinvent’ your own conditioning. But remember, it happens in iterations. And iterations are NEVER a straight line.
5. You Will Eventually Start Acting
For a long time I wanted to learn another language apart from english. But something inside of me always blocked me from pursuing it. Until I realized that I just have to do it – despite the belief inside of me that I don’t have the capacity to do it.
The reality was that I didn’t even get started, because by default I thought I would fail. By practicing mindfulness I identified my false belief system. I found out that a lack of self-confidence underlies nearly every shortcoming that I perceive. My lack of self-discipline was caused by this lack of self-esteem.
So, how did I eventually start learning Italian? I established a tiny language learning routine. And with the first results my old beliefs started to fade. There was no foundation anymore for my old beliefs, because over time I undoubtedly made progress. When I ordered my first breakfast in Florence in Italian followed by a loose conversation with the waiter I couldn’t deny it anymore: I am able to learn another language! This experience of self-efficacy opened my eyes.
And this is how I’m wishing to approach all challenges throughout 2021 and beyond.
6. You Will Start To Love Yourself More
What I understood throughout the practice of mindfulness is that I have needs that want to be met. The more I understand this, the more I’m starting to value myself and the more I understand what this self-love is everybody talks about (including myself).
More and more I understand that I’m not crazy, but human. ‘A human in denial’ could be a title for my book. (I don’t know where that came up from, but I won’t erase it from this post. Who knows – maybe it’s valuable information.)
It’s a Process
Okay, I realized that this article doesn’t really find an end.
There are SO many aspects to address around mindfulness. What I wanted to get across is that self-development is called self-development for a reason.
There is something to develop. It is already there, but we can’t see it. Like a film reel. We need to soak in various liquids and hang from the ceiling to dry in order to get a full image of who we really are. But be careful not to overexpose. Haha, that’s what I like doing. It results in tears and lengthy blog posts like this one.
As I mentioned at the very beginning: change is hard. This whole awakening process is not a straight line. It’s easier said than done to transform negative thinking patterns. But it is not impossible. I have the suspicion that we reached a point collectively where change is not to be suspended.
To throw in another Thich Nhat Hanh: “If we want to become mindful rather than just knowing about mindfulness, we need to establish our own regular practice.”
It is easy to do things the same way over and over again. It is easy to cling to assumptions about the world and about ourselves, because they allow us to stick to our belief patterns. They are convenient, because they don’t require will-power.
It is an effort to change our belief system, yes. But it is doable with awareness, patience and compassion.
“nobody can save you but
you will be put again and again
into nearly impossible
they will attempt again and again
through subterfuge, guise and
to make you submit, quit and/or die quietly
nobody can save you but
and it will be easy enough to fail
so very easily
but don’t, don’t, don’t.
just watch them.
listen to them.
do you want to be like that?
a faceless, mindless, heartless
do you want to experience
death before death?
nobody can save you but
and you’re worth saving.
it’s a war not easily won
but if anything is worth winning then
this is it.
think about it.Charles Bukowski
think about saving your self.”
These days I feel ‘outdated’.
I don’t know exactly what I mean by that, but who the hell am I to know what I’m writing about?
I feel like I need an update.
Nope, actually I feel like I need a new harddrive; a super fast ssd with rapid mode if this is a thing…
The past couple of days I was punishing myself for not being productive – nothing new.
I don’t know about you, but I’m so busy preserving my sanity that I barely get things done at the moment.
Before/during christmas I wanted to post at least two more posts. I wanted to start using the writing software scrivener, I wanted to make up my mind about the direction I’m heading professionally next year…
It is a lot right now.
I feel like I’m standing at the intersection of a busy road.
Did I say intersection?
I feel like I’ve just gotten out of a deep forest after a long-distance hike and now I’m trying to cross a busy six-lane-highway….
Nope, I DON’T have all my ducks in a row right now. And my ducks are freaking out!
There is a ton of unpublished material.
There are myriads of unprocessed ideas, half-finished articles and creative projects.
There are endless tasks on my numerous to-do-lists and endless things I want to get better at….
There is something else beyond all this confusion…
There is this huge potential hidden in every challenge that I’m facing. There is this profound growth concealed in every solution that I find.
There is this deep knowledge inside of me.
I just know that it’s there – even if it’s not accessible to me…
Do I might also need a new graphics card?
There is this heartening trust in spite of all the uncertainty.
Mayyybee, only maybe the challenges of this year pay off?
“You are the only one keeping me sane,” a friend of mine – who admittedly is slightly mad (in the most positive sense) – pointed out to me.
I feel like I’m going insane.
What did he mean?
Well, I have doubts and I have fears.
Throughout this year I learnt that I better be transparent with myself about my fears, my doubts and my pain.
Why? Because otherwise I get nasty. I’m starting to destroy things, because I’m blaming them for making my life not working.
But in the end it’s just a small adjustment that my soul is calling upon? Maybe I just need to refurbish my toolbox?
I better check for software updates before the end of the year…
All these lessons want to be integrated.
Maybe sometimes a reboot is the only option?