Gather from the sky.
Ground with the earth.
Root, absorb and nourish.
Open your heart.
Release what belongs elsewhere.
Preserve what is yours.
This was supposed to be a threesome, but it turned out as a wholesome!? 😉
Here we go:
I’m experiencing mood-swings at the moment between gratitude for being alive – especially (!) in those turbulent times (chaos makes me move…) – and between heavy anxiety and doom mood that is nagging my energy.
Oftentimes I am easily irritable. Other times I start laughing for no reason – for minutes… To me it sounds manic, but the fact that I can phrase it seems to display a decent level of emotional intelligence. (Even though, to be really honest with you, I am not sure anymore how much of an advantage that is, but probably I will figure it out on the way;)
During the night I’m grinding my teeth, because my stirred-up mind is strenuously “sorting things out”. (Without telling me what it is actually doing?!)
When I wake up I still feel the cortisol and adrenaline levels in my cells….. F*ck…. I don’t know about you, but to me the energies right now feel INTENSE – and my physical body responds alike.
I find release during the morning walks or during my casual little meditation in the early sun facing the urban greenery in the park nearby.
Yes, these are my tools.
But I can’t silence my mind forever…
On a lot of days the black and the white of my thinking is narrowing my field of view like stone walls in a dungeon.
In those moments I feel trapped.
“Just make your thinking colorful,” I figured the other day. But HOW?
This question was roaming in the back of my head for days.
I tend to think black and white a lot. When I really think about it, my thinking generally appears to be more black than white.
Luckily, there are mornings like this morning today….
At 8 am I went to this little post shop café a few streets away. I have never been there – until yesterday, when I forgot my ID-card that I needed to pick up the small parcel I was awaiting.
I had to return this morning, so I combined it with my little walk. And what can I say? Some small incidents renewed my energy!
“Buenos dias,” I greeted this South American man accompanied by his son and his dog at the traffic light of an intersection. Surprised they asked me for my name. We continued speaking in german.
“We are going to join a soccer game now. You should enjoy the sun today, too.” – “I will,” I replied with honest happiness radiating from my heart – and probably from my face.
Our paths split, but I continued walking with a smile on my face. A few meters ahead I met another man waving at me from the doorstep of his bar. A bar most people just pass by while I was strolling delightfully; occasionally gazing the environment. There was enough time for another friendly encounter. This time it was just a smile.
A few meters further I entered the post shop to successfully pick up the parcel – another two big smiles of the guy behind the counter and the woman in front of the coffee-machine that served me a taste “latte”.
I sat down in the fresh morning air, chatting with the man on the next table about this and that.
Do you know what? It made my day. This real-life connection to my surrounding. This appreciation of what is. This acceptance of where I am right now at this point in time.
“What if you were okay? What if you were where you are supposed to be at this point in time? What if you already are who you have desired to become for so long?”
These questions popped up in my head a couple of weeks earlier. They reappeared this morning.
I realized that I have colorful thoughts!
They are written in my notes. They are printed into my memory system. My head (and my notebook) is actually full of it. And I can create more of those thoughts just by acknowledging what is, just by witnessing my existence with all its appearances and by making the most of the tiniest moments….
If you are longing for connection, isolation won’t get you any closer.
If you want to earn money, becoming greedy doesn’t help you.
If you want to believe in yourself, questioning your worth is self-defeating.
Self-doubt zeroizes trust.
Negativity retains resistance.
As soon as you open up, things will change.
Allow the impossible.
Okay, I haven’t done much writing in the past couple of months. Why? Because it has lost it’s priority – temporarily: I have started a job with a content marketing agency which requires me to dig back into SEO and various other tasks. In addition to that I have accomplished a row of video editing jobs which took me by surprise by mid june.
So, prospectively I will be writing even more than ever before. Writing this down here makes me realize that this is quite an achievement! I am actually earning money with content writing for the first time in my life to be really accurate.
My inspirational flow for growthbuddy decelerated suddenly – for several reasons I guess:
Firstly because I had been working so much. Secondly: My life and my spiritual health had experienced a major uplift – so, I didn’t really know what to write about after getting out of such a deep valley of darkness.
I have stuff to do at the moment. For the first time in my life the heavy weights on my shoulders are not dragging me down to the underworld anymore, but they actually anchor me in the ground.
I have to admit: I loved working as hard as I did in the last weeks – even though it was very stressful and sometimes I felt exhausted to the bones…
After not doing ‘real’ work in a long time I felt finally reinvigorated and in some way reintegrated – into society. (I didn’t imagine I would say something like this voluntarily.)
Even if I don’t want to admit it: I like that feeling.
I am officially growing roots! Some of you might rejoice in hope now, but I am not talking about settling down, haha. This is about an internal fundament, a settling of my values, a harvest of what I sowed in the past good seven years of self-discovery…
Okay, I didn’t find the time to indulge into the flowing river of my thoughts and my insights. And you know what? My head is exploding and my heart is bursting… I can not not write it all out.
It feels like a reservoir inside of me is filled to the brim – and the dam is about to break. It is not only a reservoir of ideas, but also of unprocessed emotions and experiences.
I realized something fundamental:
For me it is not okay to not write. I don’t know what exactly is pulling me but more and more I come to the acceptance that I have to write. It is part of my mission here. I am called to do so – like others are called to create a sanctuary for people in need or plant a communal garden. (You name it.)
I am called to write – even if there are doubts (massive doubts!) and downtimes.
It is the cure for my self-diagnosed ADHD. I don’t write despite my concentration deficit disorder – I write because of it. Writing forces me into focus. And it does so much more….
It helps me to filter. It helps me to manifest – not only my goals in the physical realm. It clarifies my thoughts. It clears my perception of reality. It changes my viewpoint. It makes me see things – at all or from a different angle.
I have to look at ideas from a different perspective by writing them down. I have to research. Sometimes I get lost in research and I find answers to questions that I didn’t know I had…
My writing forces me to learn nonstop.
And learning creates happiness within myself.
If I don’t write, I lose track.
Of course – periods of not writing are okay. They are even essential. I am also coming to some sort of ‘allowance’ in regards to longer writing breaks. There is no point in punishing myself or pushing myself beyond limits, because it ruins my creative flow as well as my mental and physical health… But at the same time, I need writing to maintain my spiritual health.
There are huge leaps taking place. I am invited into unfamiliar and often dark realms. What I discover there demands to be integrated into my experience on this earth.
What I have learnt over time is that this is my gift: I am discovering things that are scary and hard to comprehend for the soul that chose to incarnate here… By appreciating this gift I make writing less of a struggle.
Writing is my practice. It calms my nerves and makes sense of this whole life experience.
Do what you love.
Trust your instincts – even if your mind is rebelling.
Take action – even though it scares the shit out of you.
Experiment fearlessly – no matter what the outcome might look like.
Move forward – even though you can’t see the road.
There is only the next step. Take it now.
“Change doesn’t require motivation. It requires discipline.” I stumbled upon this quote by Mel Robbins and it hooked me. The past couple of weeks I have been struggling a lot – even though things are ‘getting better’ according to the general public, I have been confronted with a lot of anxiety, sadness and confusion.
Recently I have become impatient more often – not to say cranky, enraged or just plainly mad! Briefly: I’ve been doubting my sanity.
“How long can I handle this?” – It is easy to get stuck these days in a downward spiral.
On many occasions it was easier to not ‘do the work’. It was easier to blame the circumstances instead of taking responsibility for my own actions. But I wouldn’t be me if I wouldn’t find a way through…
What I learnt at the very beginning of the ‘pandemic’ (Or maybe even long before?) was that my mind doesn’t present answers to me that soothe the troubled waters of my psyche.
My body does – if I listen. And my body wants to scream and shout a lot at the moment…
But yesterday my body forced me to move inward. It forced my heart to soften, my tears to clear the wounds that are flaring within me from the loss and the dissatisfaction of the past well over twelve months…
“Be the change, but be patient,” I recalled my own speech from the beginning of 2021.
This morning I woke up at 6 am and I remembered: I have a choice. Either I seize the day, do my work, keep getting stronger. Or? Or what? There was no other option, but to move forward – to take another step.
Will my mental health become stable by itself? Hell, no! Will anybody apart from myself take care of my mental health? Probably not.
I got up, cleared my space and I went for a run. And no, I didn’t feel like it after a day of nearly only crying. But I knew that I had to do it in order to hold my head straight.
With every step my sight got clearer and the weight that I carried fell off my shoulders. By the time I reached the lake in the park close-by I had a smile on my face.
This threesome works as a reminder to myself. A commitment to my own power.
Writing it all down is my leap out of the apathy that I am facing right now.
So, how do I move through apathy?
Surprise, surprise. I get my body moving! “If you want to scream and shout. Dance it all out.” If you can motivate yourself to do one step, you can probably do the next one too. As soon as you start moving your body your muscles and all of your cells get flooded with oxygen, your breath gets deeper. The responses of your nervous system start to change and so does your way of thinking.
2. Do Things Differently
The other day we had no electricity at home (and in a big part of the city) and honestly: It was the best thing that could happen. It forced me to change my routine and to get out of my head (my computer). It forced me to change my perspective completely. “Let’s go and have breakfast,” I agreed with my partner and we left our ‘home office’ behind. It sounds like such a small incident, but it was a big thing as we were both suffering from some sort of cabin fever and inability to move on with our personal projects. Our cabin fever was gone. The phenomenon is called a pattern interrupt.
3. Change Your Point of View
What paralyses you? What do you have to worry about right now? Is there truly something to worry about? Do you really have to take things personally? The other day I was paralyzed because of one message that I received. It triggered some painful memories inside of me. After a while I realized that I chose to take it personally. I can choose to step back. I understood that it is just words. They have nothing to do with me if I don’t make them about me.
The other day somebody asked me “Who is your guru?”
My first reply was: “Me.”
I still think it is accurate.
I thought about the authors I’ve read.
The thousands of hours I had spent on youtube watching videos on ‘spirituality’.
I had learnt a ton and surely my brain is infiltrated with ideas and even feelings that are not mine.
But did I truly ‘learn’ about spirituality from all those mentors?
Life taught me.
I’ve started my path by realizing that I am not able to wash dishes without freaking out. (I mentioned it in my post about the role of mindfulness.) I have started my path by acknowledging my lack of presence, which cut me off life for a very very long time.
Especially in the recent months I have been struggling with this disconnect A LOT. Anxiety attacks and panic rolled over me like tsunami waves. And I am tired of holding it back! I am tired of pretending to be strong…
Well, that’s a different story (probably a bit of a contradictory one, but I guess that’s why I am here. To reveal the contradictions of ‘being a human’)…
What I am witnessing in any community that is drawn to spirituality or to ‘living compassionate’, ‘interconnected humanness’, ‘spiritual sovereignty’ is that there are many people following the ideology of others OR discounting somebody else’s ideology, which is the same thing, if we look at it plainly (something only very few people do these days)….
In both cases it is somewhat ignorant, because it forecloses learning experiences and ‘aha-moments’. We can learn from anybody, even from ideologies.
When the ‘corona crisis’ started I was stuck in India.
I don’t remember fully what I was more angry about: The fact that I knew that I can’t stay there. Or the fact that I have to go back and witness the narrow-mindedness of our society?
I was really really angry, but more than ever I am convinced that this was a ‘sacred’ rage….
Using the word ‘sacred’ reminds me of where I’m attempting to go with this post:
Spirituality is not about ‘being spiritual’. And it is not about following some idea or method or practice…
What does it actually mean to be spiritual?
Yes, I have a ton of crystals in my room. And yes, I light a lot of candles over time. And I pray to the universe.
But most of the time I’m spending my time with: developing some sort of discipline to keep my space and my mind clean. Getting my body moving. Eating proper food and drinking enough water. Developing compassion for other human beings by listening to their struggles and to my own struggles with an open heart and without judgement.
…and: doing the dishes. 😉
I am encountering ‘spiritual people’ in the same way I am encountering ‘normal people’.
We all are the freakin’ same! We all are made of the same source!
If you have an idea about what could be right and what could be wrong deep down inside of yourself, if something feels ‘tight’ (or even strangling), really ‘uncomfortable’ in a way that holds you back from getting out of bed on some days….
Then probably YOU KNOW THE TRUTH ALREADY – deep down inside of yourself, but you might close your eyes from it or you don’t honor it….
SO MANY OF US INCREDIBLE BEINGS ARE STILL LOOKING FOR ANSWERS – from the outside world, from gurus, from books, from leaders,…..
And if some or these leaders says something true: “You alone are responsible for your life. You alone can make a choice.”, they get angry or sad or frustrated.
“No, this can’t be it. There must be somebody else making a better choice for me.”
Don’t get me wrong.
I am looking for somebody making choices for me all the f*cking time.
I am a human. A lot of times I am tired or hungry or confused or not willing to make a decision… I, too, want to belong to a tribe – and ‘let them decide’.
But: I don’t blame. I am aware that ‘I can do better’. I can be a little bit more compassionate and understanding towards the person in front of me in this very moment.
I can have a little bit more love radiating from my heart in this very moment.
I can be a little bit more open for the new.
This is ‘being spiritual’.
Do you feel like giving up?
Are you angry?
Are you restless?
Breathe in deeply.
Do you blame?
Do you want to scream and shout?
Have you lost hope?
There will be a tomorrow.
thank you for reinvigorating me with energy every day.
Thank you for reemerging after the darkest of nights.
Thank you for shining the spotlight on me – if I’m ready or not.
Thank you for smiling back at me in the early morning.
Thank you for warming my chest when I can’t feel myself.
Thank you for keeping me connected to my source.
Thank you for guiding me the way every single day.
Thank you for being with me – even when you are hiding behind the cloud curtain.
I get it. I get you.
I will always bow to you.
Random human being