And all of a sudden, there it is again.
The life vibrating through my veins.
The eternal force bringing me back home.
Creation itself is filling my lungs.
I am breathing clarity.
Inspiration is flooding my heart.
Ideas are sprouting like leaflets.
Compassion is unleashing my chest.
Haaaaaaaaaa……. There she is again. My friend, freedom.
Don’t set rules, set intentions.
There is this voice inside of me that gives me commands every now and then (or if I am able to listen).
This morning I was able to listen.
I woke up happy. I woke up with a sense of excitement for the first time in a long time.
It was nearly 8 o’clock already. Way too late for the ‘ambitious’ Uli to start the day.
But my eyes were not burning. I felt a sense of gratitude. I was at ease – physically and mentally, with the world and with myself.
My window was open and I heard the rain dripping outside. The rain of an early January morning of the year 2022.
The past two days I was in a very dark mood. “The old” came creeping back up. “The new” was not yet to come. The fun fact is: the new does never come. Well, it does. But we can’t see it at first.
A friend of mine told me in a voice message yesterday: “You seem to be on your way. You seem to grow organically.”
And yes, maybe, only maybe, I am able to agree on this today.
So, what do I do?
In times of crisis. (And boy, I went through patches of crisis within the past over 24 months. Actually I found out that I was at my “lowest” in 2018. So it would be 48 months to be more precise. 😉 Ha!)
What do I do in these periods of crisis? Or the moments of anxiety?
I set intentions!
I did this so many times. During my lowest times I prayed every single day, every hour, sometimes I prayed every single minute of the day. I prayed for release. I prayed for a sign.
The thing with sings is: They never come when we (supposedly) need them the most. So, there is not really a point in asking for signs – every time we are in doubt.
What we do need to do is to take action.
What I learnt is that the voice of intuition is sometimes the faintest, the quietest in our blasting brain. What is blasting is: the self-doubt, the “shoulds”, the self-sabotage (an article on the topic of self-sabotage is in the pipeline).
We will always find hundreds of reasonable reasons to not do the step that we want to do, the step that is beneficial for our own growth.
What I got to learn throughout the past years of nomading and roaming around is: THERE IS NO WRONG STEP. There truly isn’t. I know it sounds pathetic. It is pathetic, but it is (for a change) a narrative that serves our personal development.
We can never predict the outcome. Who crosses our path is beyond our control. Who is going to help us is beyond our imagination. But guess what? THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO WILL UNDERSTAND AND SUPPORT YOU. If? (Yeah, right. What are the ifs here?) If you change your thinking? Yes… What else? If you KEEP MOVING.
And it does not matter in which direction you go. Because there will be new intersections. New decisions along this path – over and over and over again.
There is no point in overthinking the next step.
What we can do is: We can set intentions. And this is what I did in the past couple of days when I was so down, so discouraged. I did not know how exactly to get out of my “old ways” of being and thinking. I still have no Idea. I have no idea how to “not be too hard on myself”.
Nevertheless, even if my mind said ‘shut the fuck up and squeeze your butt’, I wrote an intention into my notebook: “Prioritize yourself.”
This morning I prioritized myself by sleeping in and going for a long morning walk (Of course this is not always possible, but every now and then… why not?)
Words truly become seeds, if we let them….
“The universe doesn’t understand no.” – This was the title of an article I wrote about three years ago. At that time I did not suspect what kind of journey I was driving at. It was and it still is the journey of truth.
I couldn’t foresee that this blog would be a life-changing endeavour and a continuous force moving me along my personal development. This blog truly became my motor. I am constantly learning and listening.
What I thought were ‘dead ends’ were portals disclosing different layers of consciousness. Writing this down here fills me with joy and gratitude. I am more than grateful that I had been able to listen – that morning in 2017 when I had the dream about giving birth and starting this domain.
That morning I had started listening and I never stopped.
“Ask the universe and it answers” – it was also in 2017 when I understood this fundamental truth.
Our thoughts manifest our reality. EVERY thought that I ever thought manifested my reality. Up to date I am witnessing this with brighter and brighter clarity.
Of course I made moves, I took decisions, but the truth is that everything happened to me. I was always guided by, call it, destiny if you wish.
What I understand more and more is that I am the one ‘steering’ my fate. Putting this in words is delicate, because the words around it cause so much resistance. Nevertheless I keep trying… I am not steering in the sense of controlling. I am taking a course. I am navigating through inclement weather. I am responding to the circumstances.
Paradoxically, partially, I am the one creating the circumstances.
A couple of months ago I wrote a post called “Not to write is not an option”. Over the course of the following weeks it dawned me: I had planted a thought into my head. The thought that “I don’t write enough”. Hahaha, it still blows my mind how these words could become the root cause of a slight anxiety resting in my subconscious, a cord constraining my chest.
Seriously, every single day on this earth I understand it on a deeper level: HOW MUCH my thoughts influence my behaviours. UNWILLINGLY. This is the crucial thing. It is beyond my control more than it is within my control. It just is.
Do you know this feeling of looking back at some life-event asking yourself: “How could this happen? How could I/we make this decision?”
Well, when you are really honest there had been this voice in your head or that conversation that took place – much much earlier. The terrified “What if?”. The doubts that were shouting louder than the confidence. It can be a fear, a lack of self-worth or a false belief: Maybe your self-worth was tied to some imaginary value of what it means to be worthy. Tadaa: It’s done. Reality created. It is really really hard, but it iss possible to over-write and re-create that image.
With the power of imagination.
So: The most crucial part on this journey is to make use of our VIVID imagination. We just have to be brave enough to make things up. To create a positive image of our future or of that project, that move you had been planning for soooo long. The only twerk is to shift focus to the positive – the possible! Action WILL follow automatically.
Of course, it is possible to act first, but if not: The thought is first. Action will come as soon as the faulty image of ourselves in our head does not have any foundation anymore. In this moment we create the new reality.
I know that you know it. I am just reminding you.
Have you truly opened yourself up to possibility? Have you let go of the clinging to the conditioning? Do it now. Let it go and receive what belongs to you anyway.
This was supposed to be a threesome, but it turned out as a wholesome!? 😉
Here we go:
I’m experiencing mood-swings at the moment between gratitude for being alive – especially (!) in those turbulent times (chaos makes me move…) – and between heavy anxiety and doom mood that is nagging my energy.
Oftentimes I am easily irritable. Other times I start laughing for no reason – for minutes… To me it sounds manic, but the fact that I can phrase it seems to display a decent level of emotional intelligence. (Even though, to be really honest with you, I am not sure anymore how much of an advantage that is, but probably I will figure it out on the way;)
During the night I’m grinding my teeth, because my stirred-up mind is strenuously “sorting things out”. (Without telling me what it is actually doing?!)
When I wake up I still feel the cortisol and adrenaline levels in my cells….. F*ck…. I don’t know about you, but to me the energies right now feel INTENSE – and my physical body responds alike.
I find release during the morning walks or during my casual little meditation in the early sun facing the urban greenery in the park nearby.
Yes, these are my tools.
But I can’t silence my mind forever…
On a lot of days the black and the white of my thinking is narrowing my field of view like stone walls in a dungeon.
In those moments I feel trapped.
“Just make your thinking colorful,” I figured the other day. But HOW?
This question was roaming in the back of my head for days.
I tend to think black and white a lot. When I really think about it, my thinking generally appears to be more black than white.
Luckily, there are mornings like this morning today….
At 8 am I went to this little post shop café a few streets away. I have never been there – until yesterday, when I forgot my ID-card that I needed to pick up the small parcel I was awaiting.
I had to return this morning, so I combined it with my little walk. And what can I say? Some small incidents renewed my energy!
“Buenos dias,” I greeted this South American man accompanied by his son and his dog at the traffic light of an intersection. Surprised they asked me for my name. We continued speaking in german.
“We are going to join a soccer game now. You should enjoy the sun today, too.” – “I will,” I replied with honest happiness radiating from my heart – and probably from my face.
Our paths split, but I continued walking with a smile on my face. A few meters ahead I met another man waving at me from the doorstep of his bar. A bar most people just pass by while I was strolling delightfully; occasionally gazing the environment. There was enough time for another friendly encounter. This time it was just a smile.
A few meters further I entered the post shop to successfully pick up the parcel – another two big smiles of the guy behind the counter and the woman in front of the coffee-machine that served me a tasty “latte”.
I sat down in the fresh morning air, chatting with the man on the next table about this and that.
Do you know what? It made my day. This real-life connection to my surrounding. This appreciation of what is. This acceptance of where I am right now at this point in time.
“What if you were okay? What if you were where you are supposed to be at this point in time? What if you already are who you have desired to become for so long?”
These questions popped up in my head a couple of weeks earlier. They reappeared this morning.
I realized that I have colorful thoughts!
They are written in my notes. They are printed into my memory system. My head (and my notebook) is actually full of it. And I can create more of those thoughts just by acknowledging what is, just by witnessing my existence with all its appearances and by making the most of the tiniest moments….