Embodied Darkness

The winds of change are blowing strong these days…

It’s a good time to, finally, share another moment with you.

Slowly I’m swallowing my own medicine. I find wisdom in pain.

“Nobody’s wise who doesn’t know darkness.”

This quote by Hermann Hesse has been hanging on my wall for a couple of years now.

Only now, I understood its fundamental meaning:

I don’t overcome darkness.
I embody it.

This is basically what I have been practicing with this blog. And what I have been recovering over and over again:
Pain wants to tell me something. It is here for me and not against me.

I’m doing integration work.

I find wisdom in pain – and not despite the pain.

I integrate what is – and not what’s supposed to be.

This is called tantra in the widest sense.

I expand by integrating what is there.

What I integrate has been a part of me ever since – a part that I neglected for the longest time. A dark part.

A dark part of my psyche, of my physical body or of my emotional body that I would prefer to hide.

Instead of facing it I tend to set goals, aim higher, dig for more…

“The dark days will be over, if….,” for a very long time I fell for this hedonistic idea.

They are not. They never will be. Because there is always the next step, the next goal, the next thread that fills my heart and head with worry if I let it.

The dark days will never be over, because “the suffering is endless” to say it with the words of Viktor Frankl, author of the fundamental work “Man’s search for meaning”.

Frankl himself a Auschwitz-survivor describes the psychological states of KZ-inmates, which build the fundation for his psychological discipline called logotherapy.

This book translates the wisdom of suffering in a way that is so touching, so precise and so vital – I think every person in the world should read it.

What’s so special about it?

Psychologist and KZ-survivor Frankl transcends misery into hope and retrieves life energy, the life force – ‘the mystical’ that is all around and within us….

‘From mysery to mystery’ – Frankl uncovers the truth of life hidden in a disastrous part of history that we prefer not to think of.

The example of Frankl might be extreme, but the wisdom to be found in this book is applicable to all of our lives:

The earlier we accept that suffering is a part of our lives the more lightness we will find.

What most of us close our eyes from: Our pain is here to teach us something. (I wrote about pain so many times on this blog.)

There is an energy stored in suffering. And that energy wants to be transformed into acts of courage, hope and strong belief in life.

And that is roughly what Frankl describes as the motors of survival, even under devastating circumstances like enduring a concentration camp.

Nothing will ever be solved completely.
There is always some hidden grief. Some deep sadness or collective trauma that is stored in our cells, tissue or memory.

What we can do is: Meet ourselves and the ones around us with compassion.

This is how we befriend darkness and find purpose.

 

Reversed Resolutions

I’m standing on Donnersbergerbrücke.

It’s the evening haze of a regular weekday in Munich and it dawns on me that I am EXACTLY where I am supposed to be.

I am not rushing to catch the bus I’m supposed to take.

The sun is painting its last colors on the sky.

I don’t remember the last time I was standing on this bridge.

But what I know is: It is not the same person standing here.

I have changed.
Something inside of me has changed fundamentally.

I felt strangely at home.

At this moment I realize that my shadow is comforting me.

It is my home.

“Just come as you are,” they say.

Okay, here I am.

All of a sudden it is there.
I under-stand.
I take pride in my path.
I own my story.

A rush of gratitude fills my eyes….

I grew from the inside and for the first time I really feel that.

I evolved – FROM the inside.

I have done the work. And now I am standing here.

“What’s next?,” my busy mind wants to ask.

Again, I gaze towards the setting sun….

“What if instead of moving forward, i’d move backwards?,” my busy mind itself countered with an open question.

I can’t sow endless seeds.

Now is the moment that I finally understand that rest is AS important as progress.

Digesting what is instead of preparing a new meal.
Clearing the debris instead of building anew.
Integrating what happened instead of initiating something else.

I can’t sow endless seeds, no, but I can praise the garden that is growing inside of me, in front of me, around me…

I don’t know how I could not get it earlier, but it does not matter.

On a random day, in stillness, I recovered the beauty of my life.

For too long I witnessed it within myself and in others…

We are pushing so hard to move forward. We are aiming for one dimensional progress. The thing is that progress is not one dimensional.

It’s expansive.
It’s round and whole.
It’s the yin and the yang. The animation and the integration are both equally important.

Growth is the integration of what is.
Growth is not only about harvesting the fruits, it’s about ploughing the land, fertilizing the dirt, and preparing for the upcoming season…

Personal growth is the care-taking of our internal motherland….

In some years maybe the harvest is not what we expected it to be. It is not as lush, as fruitful, or as delicious.

Some years we can only use it for compost. To fertilize the new ground in front of us.

Here we go 2023.

It’s the reversed resolutions…

 

How to Humble Yourself

Life is full of paradox. In order to “master” our experience here on earth we get to embrace the paradox. We get to understand that we are a part of the whole – THE ALL – nothing more and nothing less.

I wrote about it many times: The role of appreciation and gratitude. The ACCEPTANCE of the “3D”.

Nevertheless there is some universal truth being revealed to me every single day I walk on this earth. I’m doing my best to let it run free…

By now I finally understand why I did not “get” it earlier?! Because I CAN’T GET it. I am not the all. I am a part of it and every single day I experience its manifestations. I am a witness, to (modestly) say the least.

And more and more I can see the beauty in this experience….

Every single day there is some new aspect unfolding in front of my eyes like a delicate leaflet of an unseen flower I have known for an eternity.

And more than ever I am understanding how I have created this experience with intention – intention that I have set in the darkest moments of my life.

How? Yeah, tell me how?

I TRANSMUTED energies…. Nothing more and nothing less. To say it with the hermetic teachings:

“Mastery consists not in abnormal dreams, visions and fantastic imaginings or living, but in using the higher forces against the lower – escaping the lower planes by vibrating on the higher. Transmutation, not presumptuous denial, is the weapon of the Master.”

The Kybalion

What does that mean? We don’t create a new reality by mere imagination.

I can literally feel the resistance towards this truth in my every day encounters and even in the “spiritual community” (If there is such thing. I honestly don’t know…).

I can feel it within myself too! My body forcefully separates me from my imaginations… The further I proceed the more I am forced to let go of the idea that I had about enlightenment or the state of being awake….

So. I decided to give this little piece of advice a go in order to conserve my insights. This is what I recently understood about “the way back” to union.

Don’t take things personal.

This morning on the train I had the urge to start writing this down. “This is not about you. You are a vessel of energy. Nothing more and nothing less. Nothing that ever happens to you has anything to do with you. ”

Our train was delayed and it was unclear if I was able to catch my connecting train – and so did the other passengers. I had a choice: Do I get angry or do I use my time to nap or write or read? The delay of the train was a gift for me. It was definitely not the “evil Deutsche Bahn” or stuff like that. The thing that happened to you or to me. The whaterverness – it is nothing personal. It blows my mind how simple this is….

Give what you have.

So, when nothing ever is something personal why would we obsess about belongings, thoughts or ideas? Let go of greed. Greed only cultivates dark matter. It literally rivets us to the lower planes of reality! I don’t say that you have to give everything away. I don’t. I don’t say to give up all your belongings. But don’t cling to it. Don’t consider it as your security.

Give up the control. You can’t hold on to anything anyways, so why not give what you are capable of giving? I will never forget the moment when I decided to GIVE. Looking back, I think it was the moment when my life started to shift. It was when I was living in a WG and I stopped counting who bought the last toilet paper or filled the salt shaker. It was when I was asked for clothing by a homeless on the street and when I handed a warm puffy jacket to him. It was when I decided to “pay my dues”. What do I mean by that? I received this life. Now, I understood, it was time to give.

Practice GRATITUDE.

This leads me to the next point: It sounds platitudious, I know. However it is crucial. I only understand the meaning of Gratitude NOW. When I learnt to GIVE I simultaneously learnt to receive…

The more I value my experience here on earth the more I value myself – and I mean “the good and the ugly”.

The more I accept that everything is a part of me, the more I am learning to accept myself with all my gifts and my shortcomings (also materialistic ones).

This is something I had to understand – tediously. The word gratitude sounds exploited by our cultural narration. I saw people getting very aggressive when they where invited to be grateful. I want to invite those even more to appreciate what is. Appreciate even your resistance and you will witness how (and what) transforms in front of your eyes!

Take yourself seriously.

This might sound a bit contradictory to the first point I mentioned. What I mean by that is: Take your ABILITIES serious, because they are your GIFTS. This is very connected to the practice of gratitude.

Do what needs to be done. Learn what needs to be learnt. NURTURE your challenges instead of condemning them.

You ARE here for a reason! And you have homework to do. You know exactly what to do. So, go ahead and do it. Appreciate it – seriously!

Follow the signs….

You are always guided. You are never alone. Never. There are the subtleties that show you the way. Sometimes your authentic YES is a hell NO in your mind. So, how do you differentiate? That’s a tricky one. And it is very individual. I think this is about patience. Practice to sit with yourself. Practice to live through your emotions in order to understand their language. Life is constantly talking to you. It is up to you to listen….

That’s it for now.

Enjoy the ride and speak soon <3

 

Receive Resilience

I recently came across the term ‘collective resourcing’ in regards to collective ancestral trauma healing and this gave me a great feeling of relief.

I am sensing that I am not ‘doing the work’ for me . I’ve mentioned this repetitively.

What I find within is not ‘my answer’ it is ‘the response to life’ itself.

Every journey of self-discovery I indulge in internally reveals a great deal of resources that could be crucial for survival in ‘the external’…

“The veil is thin these days,” they say.

That’s the reason why I’ve decided to give this piece a go….

There might be something behind the veil that wants to be revealed (and that lays beyond my intellectual abilities).

What I understood during an online event with Thomas Hübl on collective trauma recovery is that my healing IS my union with my ancestors.

I do not only inherit the pain but also the resilience of my forefathers and mothers. And this resilience is what I recover.

I am ‘life incarnated’. I am resilience. The willingness to push through. Life wanted to live through me.

It is something I felt all the way. Every purge, every cry feels like a dissolution of barricades, a removal of debris that blocks my connection to source.

As I mentioned many times before – this can look different to every single one of us who consider themselves on a healing journey – the path. My tool is crying, yours could be something completely different.

Nevertheless, the more I see and the more I converse with the souls I am meeting on the way, the more I sympathize with one common idea:

Healing is the freeing of hidden resources – resources that have been a part of us since generations.

Healing is something that can only occur ‘from the inside out’.

What does that mean?

We have to have a conversation with ourselves in order to be able to respond to life. If we learn to communicate with ourselves, we eventually find out about our needs. By responding to our needs, we regain our response-ability to life.

And responding to life is in one way or another re-connecting with our ancestors. <3

What we discover within ourselves is not a concept of life. It is not a world-view. It is life itself if we let it. It is not the answer to a question. It is not our purpose. It is trust itself. Again – it is resilience, our innate power to move on.

And when I say power I don’t mean force. I’m talking about the subtle energy flow that keeps us alive…

Healing is the freeing of long-forgotten resources. It is receiving what is here for us anyways. Resources that are brought to us by our ancestors.

Healing is also the rediscovery of joy. The joy of being alive – our greatest resource.

 

Life Goes On

And sometimes life goes on in a way that we could not possibly foresee.
The work pays off when we least expect it.
Miracles happen that we could not imagine in our wildest dreams.
The puzzle is completing itself. We move on.
The darkest moments turn into our pivotal turning points of growth.

We know it deep down inside. We have done the work in a myriad of ways. And there she is: Life force. She was there all the way, but we could not receive her.

Alignment cracks us open. It happens. If we are ready or not. Things fall into place drastically.

We had no idea that it could be true.

What would your life look like if you’d remove the roadblocks NOW? Are you scared of the unknown? Scared of the light that is awaiting you on the other side of your fear?

Don’t be scared. Hit the road. It’s leading you home…

 

A Moment of Bliss

Curiosity is rising inside of me. There is only clarity. There is nothing I can see. The appearances of life don’t matter beyond the realm of my mind.

I arrive in my body. And I do it with delight. I feel a sense of care for myself. There is a pure source of love within my heart and my breath is the key to that door that I had locked with distraction.

I feel compassion for my old self. I let the anger fade like the clouds in the sky on that stormy day. The wind is blowing away my resentment towards myself and the world. No doubt is blurring my sight as I allow time to pass. And this is what I do – sitting and waiting and entering that state of bliss with all of my being. That chamber of excitement – bright and colorful placed inside of me is bringing me to life.

At the bottom of my heart I can be at rest. There is only peace. There is nothing to run from and nothing to run for. Because everything is already achieved.

I am earth. No need to “earth” myself.

There is a common ground within myself. This is why I feel compassion for the entire planet and not only for the people who are close and dear to me.

Non-judgement is the true nature of my being if I allow my thoughts to drop like snowflakes on an icy winter-afternoon. Thoughts can be fun, but they can also cause a lot of turmoil.

All of a sudden I am able to tap into that powerful being that I am. And I knew it all along. I feel grateful that I am finally able to hold my own hand. I finally found my tools – within.

 

Yes, Universe

“The universe doesn’t understand no.” – This was the title of an article I wrote about three years ago. At that time I did not suspect what kind of journey I was driving at. It was and it still is the journey of truth.

I couldn’t foresee that this blog would be a life-changing endeavour and a continuous force moving me along my personal development. This blog truly became my motor. I am constantly learning and listening.

What I thought were ‘dead ends’ were portals disclosing different layers of consciousness. Writing this down here fills me with joy and gratitude. I am more than grateful that I had been able to listen – that morning in 2017 when I had the dream about giving birth and starting this domain.

That morning I had started listening and I never stopped.

“Ask the universe and it answers” – it was also in 2017 when I understood this fundamental truth.

Our thoughts manifest our reality. EVERY thought that I ever thought manifested my reality. Up to date I am witnessing this with brighter and brighter clarity.

Of course I made moves, I took decisions, but the truth is that everything happened to me. I was always guided by, call it, destiny if you wish.

What I understand more and more is that I am the one ‘steering’ my fate. Putting this in words is delicate, because the words around it cause so much resistance. Nevertheless I keep trying… I am not steering in the sense of controlling. I am taking a course. I am navigating through inclement weather. I am responding to the circumstances.

Paradoxically, partially, I am the one creating the circumstances.

A couple of months ago I wrote a post called “Not to write is not an option”. Over the course of the following weeks it dawned me: I had planted a thought into my head. The thought that “I don’t write enough”. Hahaha, it still blows my mind how these words could become the root cause of a slight anxiety resting in my subconscious, a cord constraining my chest.

Seriously, every single day on this earth I understand it on a deeper level: HOW MUCH my thoughts influence my behaviours. UNWILLINGLY. This is the crucial thing. It is beyond my control more than it is within my control. It just is.

Do you know this feeling of looking back at some life-event asking yourself: “How could this happen? How could I/we make this decision?”

Well, when you are really honest there had been this voice in your head or that conversation that took place – much much earlier. The terrified “What if?”. The doubts that were shouting louder than the confidence. It can be a fear, a lack of self-worth or a false belief: Maybe your self-worth was tied to some imaginary value of what it means to be worthy. Tadaa: It’s done. Reality created. It is really really hard, but it iss possible to over-write and re-create that image.

How?

With the power of imagination.

So: The most crucial part on this journey is to make use of our VIVID imagination. We just have to be brave enough to make things up. To create a positive image of our future or of that project, that move you had been planning for soooo long. The only twerk is to shift focus to the positive – the possible! Action WILL follow automatically.

Of course, it is possible to act first, but if not: The thought is first. Action will come as soon as the faulty image of ourselves in our head does not have any foundation anymore. In this moment we create the new reality.

I know that you know it. I am just reminding you.

Have you truly opened yourself up to possibility? Have you let go of the clinging to the conditioning? Do it now. Let it go and receive what belongs to you anyway.

 

What is Freedom?

When are you truly free?

You don’t let the circumstances define you.
You let go of concepts.
You give space – and not advice.
You know what you are doing.
Your fear gave way to your excitement.
You feel joy.
You care for yourself the same way you care for others.
You are at home within yourself.
You don’t have to proof yourself.
You know your boundaries. That’s why you are not afraid of crossing them.
You do one step at a time.
You let go of the outcome. But you never loose focus.

You smile from the inside.
You don’t reach through the matrix – you roll with it.
You accept where you are at.
You have learnt to differentiate.
You express yourself.
You let others express themselves how they please without interfering.

You love like there is no tomorrow.

Your fears had lost their power over you.
The demands of this world don’t overwhelm you anymore.
You are not that easily pushed from your throne.

You have exchanged your phantasies with ideas.

You are not being easily impressed, but you are awe-inspired by life itself…

 

Radical Self Love

By loving ourselves we unlock our potential.

By understanding our own gift and having the courage to put it out there we are truly making a difference.

It is not the time for false modesty now. It is the time to stand tall with everything we are.

It is the time to love ourselves more than we ever did.

 

Play It Lightly

You are the one who judges yourself. You are the one who overcomplicates your life. You are the one who is projecting. You are the one who pulls the trigger. You are the one who is using other people as an excuse. You are the one who is using force. You are the one who is building up the walls. You are the one who has expectations. You are the one who ducks down.

Do you remember?

“Get the fuck out of your head,” this has been my message from the universe – not only on this mornings’ walk, but all the past two months…

The ‘lockdown’ forced me into my head. My body forced me to get out of my head.

To be fair – for me it was not really a big difference as I chose to retreat or ‘cocoon’ for the past five months. (I have learnt this term recently from my beloved youtube mentor “The Heart Alchemist” Christina Lopes.) Finally I had an excuse to stay at home.

It’s been rough. My thoughts became so heavy that I literally had to start running. I was in ‘fight and flight’ mode nearly every single day of the past two months.

Panic attacks and emotional flashbacks – from more than one lifetime – shook my bones. I ran and I cried. There were days when my tank of tears was empty. There was nothing to cry anymore.

So, I started walking and drumming and singing instead….

After travelling India for two months I had spent two months at my parents house. My nomad life forced me ‘home’ – how ironic, isn’t it?! And this was probably the hardest journey of my life. I had to look at my old wounds. I had to look at it all. The wounds of my whole family…

Healing became essential. I was forced to train my thinking. I was forced to transform grief into gratitude, frustration into positivity, anger into love…

Now I know: I have to do it! I have to turn everything that doesn’t feel good into love.

I always thought this is a hard thing to do, but in reality I was only looking for excuses and for shortcuts. I didn’t understand that this is a skill that I already inherit.

My addictions had taught me a lot about ‘excuses’. It is the time now to become addicted to love.

Go and play your roles lightly again.
Go and be happy.
Move on.
This is just an illusion.
Don’t ask for permission to love.
Don’t be somehow, but be who you are.
Understand that you are a physical body that consists of biochemical processes. Take care of this body. The vessel of your soul.
As simple as that.

“This is not about the destination. If it was, what would you do when you get there?,” thank you Sarah Beth Yoga for making this morning an even more remarkable one…

This morning rattled me. Yesterday I was in a state of paralysis. I thought now it must be the time to go to the psychiatric clinic. My past two months were that way, but now the momentum is coming back.

The shift becomes so obvious, I can’t be scared anymore.

The astonishing fact: I asked for it.

I asked for every single lesson. There is always something to learn. Always. I don’t know what my life would be without these lessons? What would my life be without change? Would it be a life?

I’m not talking about physical change here… I’m talking about the change of perspective, the change of habits, the change of thinking. Because this happens when you learn. You rewire your entire brain… This is why I always travelled. It was never about seeing places. It was about learning.

Why not go for a walk in the middle of the night instead of lying in bed sleepless? Why not using my energy appropriately? Why not singing it out instead of being angry? Why not running it off?

This world is a playground and I am here to play. Of course we have to work fucking hard. Me too. Everybody does. But that’s what it is all about.

This is an incredible opportunity to learn. This is seriously the only thing that keeps me going. The moment when I understood this changed my life forever: The moment when I understood how much I love learning, how it is my driving force.

I don’t remember if there was a moment, but I know that there was always this force in my life. This force that told me that there is ‘something else’ to life. Something ‘more’.

Up to now I didn’t even know what I was talking about.

Now I know that this is all about awareness. This is all about being able to sense, to appreciate what is happening around you. This is the oldest practice of all times. The practice of being present.

It’s All About Awareness

When I went for a walk this morning I asked for guidance. Where should I go?

I passed a field of barley and I saw a spider hanging in the grains, hidden in a tiny cobweb. The spider was holding on to the grains with her acrobatic legs.

“So, this is your home?,” I smiled at her.

All of sudden I realized that I am already there. I am able to see the small things. I feel a rush of love when I see the sun rising above the fields – with the fresh morning breeze in my ear… Even writing it down here brings tears into my eyes. This is how moved I am by the beauty of nature – time and time again.

But there are the times when I forget. There are the times when I’m eaten alive by my fears and my self-doubt. Indecision paralyzes me in these moments – desperately waiting for a sign that never comes when I expect it…

On these days I get so anxious that I don’t want to see people at all if I don’t have to. On these days I forget that I am in control of my life. I am in control of my happiness. Nobody will make me happy. Nobody will make a decision for me. Nobody will be happy for me…..

But some people are a little bit more happy, when I am happy. So, why not just walk around and be happy??!

How To Play A Role Lightly?

So, what does this have to do with playing roles? Everything! Because the roles are the masks that keep us trapped…

“How to play a role lightly?”

Ram Dass printed this question into my notes and into my head. I’ve been collecting notes on this question for quite a while now.

Only today when I watched this spider it came crashing down on me how everything is related so smoothly: My negative thinking patterns are my roles.

Or actually it felt like the opposite: It felt like all the roles were taken from me….

I had this sensation quite a lot in the past two years, but more and more I can weave it into words.

More and more I can look out for ‘patterns’ to drop. And this is a longterm process. It’s truly like peeling an onion.

I was blaming myself for my massive ups and downs, for my heavy emotional flashbacks. Slowly it dawns me that every breakdown is another layer… I’ve been peeling another layer – a very stolid layer.

I’m learning my tools and they are so simple.

This is what fills my heart with gratitude these days and it manifests my desire to get this knowledge out there to everybody who needs it. I want to make the knowledge accessible. (“Hm, maybe sharing more on social media would be a step, right?”:)

So, what is a role? A role is not only the role you play in society (mother, employee,..) or a role you play in your head (author, artist,…:), it can also be a trait or a feeling. What do I mean by that? For a long time I didn’t realize how much pressure I put on myself by assuming that I am ‘depressed’ or I am not normal or ‘I am an over-improver’. These anti-mantras became my personality traits.

“You become your thoughts. You become what you think about.”

It is worth it to consider this and rephrase this and let this knowledge settle in.

What do you identify yourself with? What is the first thing you are telling yourself in the morning? What definitions and standards are you holding on to? Are they yours? Are they helpful or not? Do you need them?

All of this defines me.

Now that I took the time to spend so so much time in my head the voices become clearer and clearer…

The judge became louder and louder – until I’ve started to scream back.

More than that: I’m laughing at her. I’m laughing out loud when the huge, dark, negative voices come and cloud my view.

Of course I’m not ‘fully there’. I guess I will never be fully there – and this is the beauty of it. It’s a never-ending process.

Because if I was ‘there’, what would I do, right?

What happens when we reach the destination? It is better to enjoy the journey – and travel lightly. That means playing everything lightly.

…and because a list might comes handy, I have worked up my notes about “How To Play A Role Lightly” a little for you as take-away:

  1. Do not consider your job as your passion. Just do it. Do it with pleasure if you will. Do everything with pleasure.
  2. Do what needs to be done. Do the best job you can, but don’t get lost in perfectionism. “Doing” is an outside experience, while being is an inside experience. What does that mean? You do things in the outside world, but inside you remain quiet. This is a crucial lesson yet to be learnt.
  3. Stop being driven by deadlines and results. Just ‘do’ and detach from the outcome. It takes the stress away. Otherwise you will get lost.
  4. Have rules, have boundaries, but don’t freak out when they are being crossed. It means nothing.
  5. You have nothing to prove and nothing to lose. Take it easy.
    Know that you are capable of transforming every negative event into a positive one. Rewrite your story easily.

When you realize that what you do doesn’t define you and what you say is without meaning, then you are truly free.