And sometimes life goes on in a way that we could not possibly foresee.
The work pays off when we least expect it.
Miracles happen that we could not imagine in our wildest dreams.
The puzzle is completing itself. We move on.
The darkest moments turn into our pivotal turning points of growth.
We know it deep down inside. We have done the work in a myriad of ways. And there she is: Life force. She was there all the way, but we could not receive her.
Alignment cracks us open. It happens. If we are ready or not. Things fall into place drastically.
We had no idea that it could be true.
What would your life look like if you’d remove the roadblocks NOW? Are you scared of the unknown? Scared of the light that is awaiting you on the other side of your fear?
Don’t be scared. Hit the road. It’s leading you home…
This question had been nesting in my subconscious mind for the past couple of days (or even weeks).
What kept my head in the clouds?
Why was I unable to make a decision?
A subtle fear of the fear kept creeping in…
Desperately I was pushing myself.
Towards an answer.
I found myself trying to figure it all out.
Two days ago, spontaneously, I went to a writing meet-up.
During this meet-up called “Shut Up & Write” we dedicate one hour to focussed writing.
In the introduction round I was all fired-up. For the first time in a while I felt super excited about writing my heart out: “I will finally give it ago and do some stream of consciousness today.” I announced with a solar smile. I felt the urge to just hit the keyboard and go for it…
When the timer started, I was not able to finish even one sentence.
From one moment to the other I tensed up and could barely type a thing.
I started to reorganize some past writing – and I tensed up even more.
“What’s the point of all of that?”
The casual question for purpose made me close my laptop.
The next morning I had a conversation with my boyfriend. I was ruminating about career decisions and life in general.
He said: “While you think all these thoughts, watch your breath.”
“I am not breathing at all,” I countered with a trace of outrage.
“Right, if you look that closely at every moment you don’t have time to breathe – and you don’t experience the moment either. Just let it flow.”
He left me in awe.
Open-mouthedly I starred at the wall.
All of a sudden I understood what was missing the day before – at the writing meet-up… And all these previous days when I felt trapped in my own head – waiting for release that never comes.
The flow of breathe – not despite but united with my thoughts.
I took a breath and finally surrendered to the moment….
“You got to become your own person before you can do your job on this earth.“
I don’t remember the exact words of Maor, someone I met briefly at a goodbye party of a friend of mine in Hamburg in 2018.
Or something like that could have been my response. To be honest, I don’t remember if I countered anything. But I do remember that I was desperate. I was desperately searching and looking. I was desperate for adventure, for feeling feelings, for feeling something.
I was craving life. I was terrified of never finding what I was looking for – without knowing what I was looking for.
I was collecting memories and acquaintances – but did I know myself?
In the meantime I numbed myself. I filled the void inside of myself with all sorts of things. (substances, pleasure, party,….), but I had no clue what was really going on within myself…
This ‘unclarity’ crumbled away over time – like a crust of mud.
What I have learnt is that the mud has to dry first. The dust has to settle. And then the path clears eventually. The seeds can spring and the blossoms bloom…
I have been stirring up mud for quite a while. And I am pretty sure that I will keep stirring up mud. It is part of the journey (my journey) – to experience it all.
There is this big Why roaming around in the spheres around “personal development” – and yes knowing the why can be quite helpful.
Especially the “Why do I feel like shit most of the time?” over the “Why am I getting up in the morning?”
I did not want to question my feelings. Why? (Haha) Firstly: Because I didn’t even know this could be a good question to ask?! Secondly: I didn’t want to admit to myself in which areas of my life I had “lost it” or I supposedly “failed”.
“Find your why” – this has become an ever-lasting quest for a lot of people.
The realizations that I am sharing here with you stem solely from my personal experience. There is a huge probability that this self-development thing works different for you. Nevertheless I feel the urge to share this:
What I found out is that “the WHY” is not the holy grail… healing is!
What do I mean by that?
In 2015, when I was made redundant from my first work-contract, I was feeling the call too – the call that I translated into: “Find your why!”.
Over the years I have met a lot of people who put a mirror right in front of my face:
“You are lost.”
“You are the universe.”
“You have to prioritize yourself.”
“You need to find yourself first before you can make a difference in this world”
(Wo),man, I had no clue what this was all about.
Well, not no clue, but I was not able to deduce any action from all the mirroring I had (involuntarily) received from the outside-world.
Now I still don’t have a full picture, but I came to the understanding that I don’t need to have a full picture. I will never comprehend it all. This life is freakin’ unpredictable and I better embrace the unknown!
What is predictable is one universal truth: “Things WILL change” (I wrote about change many times in this blog. Actually every post is about change.)
And they did…. in my life over and over and over again. And I am more and more able to EMBRACE the unknown.
I was – and I still am lost – to some extent. But more and more this feeling of being lost transmutes into a state of floating (for some reason this is the word that emerged).
And I tell you: My mind is intervening – all the fucking time. Letting go is a permanent practice.
Thoughts, thinking patterns, limiting beliefs – they come back in circles, in arrays, in fractals, in seasons… (You choose which image works for you).
So. I faced a lot of (uncomfortable) truths about:
- My conditionings and where they are coming from
- To what extent I am influenced by toxic energies in my life.
- Where I am not taking responsibility for my own life.
The list is long….
What I have learnt over the years is that “the WHY” is slowly sneaking in.
I am growing into my why….
Our Wounds Are Our Gifts
First things ARE first: If I close my eyes from the areas where my body and my being demands healing, I will not find any useful “why”. The “why” will be a sugarcoated lie that I keep telling myself until I collapse.
Well, I do want to be radical here. First of all I have to define what I mean by healing.
Healing is the process of becoming whole again.
This is not really correct. We are already whole to be accurate. Healing is more a “fixing of the holes”, removing the dirt, dropping the unnecessary baggage, standing up on our own feet…
The healing process is sometimes a refurbishing, sometimes it is a surgery, sometimes it’s a sudden removal or a complete turn-over.
We are thrown into situations that tear us apart.
This is part of the human experience. These situations are here to teach us….
If we are torn apart the first step we need to take is to find the pieces that belong to us. The next step is to put them back together.
As long as I am putting myself together – this is my “why”. My healing is my “why”.
I don’t say you have to wait until you are fully healed until you are finally able to share your work.
The opposite is the case.
There is beauty in all of our messy healing procedures.
And there are people who benefit.
There are people who will embrace your experience.
There are people who will love to hear your story. This is what humanity always did – listening to stories and learning from them.
I am not cheesy here, this is what it is – and always used to be.
There are people out there whose healing depends on your healing.
The work that you put in matters.
Nothing you do is self-sufficient.
You will show-up in a way that is beneficial for others. Sometimes it’s only one person in the room. Sometimes it’s an audience of a million…..
So, you don’t know your why?
Don’t worry about it. Rest. Heal. Your time will come.
Healing is expansion.
Healing is the arrival in the present moment.
Healing is union with yourself.
Healing is completion.
Healing is meeting yourself where you are at.
Healing is doing one step at a time. Patiently.
“The why” can become a trap if you don’t take the time to really acknowledge where you are at right now.
And I tell you, I have been there. I am still rushing. I am still wondering very frequently: How do I set boundaries? How do I know what I want? How do I know that I am still on the path?
Then I remember to walk hand in hand with my heart.
This is what the hard times do to me.
There is this potential or let’s say a potential for potential stored within ourselves. This little seed that is resting there somewhere in our subconscious or in our brain.
When you heal you are able to reveal what wants to be revealed. And this is how you follow your purpose.
The hard times force us to walk hand in hand with our heart.
Let’s shed our old skin. Let’s forgive and heal.
Curiosity is rising inside of me. There is only clarity. There is nothing I can see. The appearances of life don’t matter beyond the realm of my mind.
I arrive in my body. And I do it with delight. I feel a sense of care for myself. There is a pure source of love within my heart and my breath is the key to that door that I had locked with distraction.
I feel compassion for my old self. I let the anger fade like the clouds in the sky on that stormy day. The wind is blowing away my resentment towards myself and the world. No doubt is blurring my sight as I allow time to pass. And this is what I do – sitting and waiting and entering that state of bliss with all of my being. That chamber of excitement – bright and colorful placed inside of me is bringing me to life.
At the bottom of my heart I can be at rest. There is only peace. There is nothing to run from and nothing to run for. Because everything is already achieved.
I am earth. No need to “earth” myself.
There is a common ground within myself. This is why I feel compassion for the entire planet and not only for the people who are close and dear to me.
Non-judgement is the true nature of my being if I allow my thoughts to drop like snowflakes on an icy winter-afternoon. Thoughts can be fun, but they can also cause a lot of turmoil.
All of a sudden I am able to tap into that powerful being that I am. And I knew it all along. I feel grateful that I am finally able to hold my own hand. I finally found my tools – within.
Okay, I’m getting a bit cheesy towards the end of the year, but I really want to get this across:
This goes out to all my friends – the courageous souls who are walking this path with me:
THANK YOU for your tireless support.
Thank you for keeping me on track whenever I need it (and for leaving me alone whenever I need it;).
Thank you for clearing the mirror when I can’t see myself.
Thank you for grounding me when I’m losing touch with my source.
Thank you for “doing the work” – with or without me.
Thank you for guiding me into my power – sometimes with force and this is why I love you even more.
Thank you for making me proud of being a part of this all.
THANK YOU for reminding me that I am not crazy.
I am so grateful to have you all in my life. You know who you are.
I appreciate you from the bottom of my heart.
Be even more you!
I wasn’t planning on writing an “end of the year”-post. (I was planning on writing a whole bunch of other stuff of course – as always:)
But there is some plain truth revealing itself to me over and over again in the recent days.
It is this crystal clear clarity – the clarity of a freezing cold, sunny winter morning:
Healing occurs – but “the work” doesn’t end.
Awareness opens up new doors. It brings forth new realms, new lessons to discover…
The lesson is not the learning. It is never the learning.
The lesson is the experience.
This year ends as it began – with a bucket full of wisdom.
My main observations of 2021 that hopefully serve me well in 2022:
- Time passes – if I do anything about it or not.
- I get wiser – if I want it or not. 😉
- Everything changes – if I want it or not. When I said “I am the change” at the beginning of this year, it was true because I am “the whole ocean in one drop” (Rumi), but still there is a whole other ocean out there…. (With other words: The whole ocean is still vast and unknown.)
- NOTHING is like it seems! I wish everybody would understand this….
- And (surprise, surprise): I can’t predict the future – neither can I control the outcome.
What can I do?
I can embrace the human experience (my newest discovery).
I can give birth to every moment, to my own creation, to connection, to myself (the old and the new)….
I can meet my intuition halfway – in stillness. And the stillness is not to be found anywhere else but “within myself”.
This is all nothing new. I wrote about all this from day one of this writing experiment called “growthbuddy”.
And still: This is what fills me with joy. Writing this down here lets my heart sigh, so I will keep going. And this time one thing is for sure: I CAN’T WAIT!!
I am beyond excited to greet 2022. Also I am beyond excited – and honored – to finish this year with a little bit more peace and acceptance within myself. And hey: This is more than I could have ever asked for.
Thank you life for always meeting me where I am at 😉
“The universe doesn’t understand no.” – This was the title of an article I wrote about three years ago. At that time I did not suspect what kind of journey I was driving at. It was and it still is the journey of truth.
I couldn’t foresee that this blog would be a life-changing endeavour and a continuous force moving me along my personal development. This blog truly became my motor. I am constantly learning and listening.
What I thought were ‘dead ends’ were portals disclosing different layers of consciousness. Writing this down here fills me with joy and gratitude. I am more than grateful that I had been able to listen – that morning in 2017 when I had the dream about giving birth and starting this domain.
That morning I had started listening and I never stopped.
“Ask the universe and it answers” – it was also in 2017 when I understood this fundamental truth.
Our thoughts manifest our reality. EVERY thought that I ever thought manifested my reality. Up to date I am witnessing this with brighter and brighter clarity.
Of course I made moves, I took decisions, but the truth is that everything happened to me. I was always guided by, call it, destiny if you wish.
What I understand more and more is that I am the one ‘steering’ my fate. Putting this in words is delicate, because the words around it cause so much resistance. Nevertheless I keep trying… I am not steering in the sense of controlling. I am taking a course. I am navigating through inclement weather. I am responding to the circumstances.
Paradoxically, partially, I am the one creating the circumstances.
A couple of months ago I wrote a post called “Not to write is not an option”. Over the course of the following weeks it dawned me: I had planted a thought into my head. The thought that “I don’t write enough”. Hahaha, it still blows my mind how these words could become the root cause of a slight anxiety resting in my subconscious, a cord constraining my chest.
Seriously, every single day on this earth I understand it on a deeper level: HOW MUCH my thoughts influence my behaviours. UNWILLINGLY. This is the crucial thing. It is beyond my control more than it is within my control. It just is.
Do you know this feeling of looking back at some life-event asking yourself: “How could this happen? How could I/we make this decision?”
Well, when you are really honest there had been this voice in your head or that conversation that took place – much much earlier. The terrified “What if?”. The doubts that were shouting louder than the confidence. It can be a fear, a lack of self-worth or a false belief: Maybe your self-worth was tied to some imaginary value of what it means to be worthy. Tadaa: It’s done. Reality created. It is really really hard, but it iss possible to over-write and re-create that image.
With the power of imagination.
So: The most crucial part on this journey is to make use of our VIVID imagination. We just have to be brave enough to make things up. To create a positive image of our future or of that project, that move you had been planning for soooo long. The only twerk is to shift focus to the positive – the possible! Action WILL follow automatically.
Of course, it is possible to act first, but if not: The thought is first. Action will come as soon as the faulty image of ourselves in our head does not have any foundation anymore. In this moment we create the new reality.
I know that you know it. I am just reminding you.
Have you truly opened yourself up to possibility? Have you let go of the clinging to the conditioning? Do it now. Let it go and receive what belongs to you anyway.
When are you truly free?
You don’t let the circumstances define you.
You let go of concepts.
You give space – and not advice.
You know what you are doing.
Your fear gave way to your excitement.
You feel joy.
You care for yourself the same way you care for others.
You are at home within yourself.
You don’t have to proof yourself.
You know your boundaries. That’s why you are not afraid of crossing them.
You do one step at a time.
You let go of the outcome. But you never loose focus.
You smile from the inside.
You don’t reach through the matrix – you roll with it.
You accept where you are at.
You have learnt to differentiate.
You express yourself.
You let others express themselves how they please without interfering.
You love like there is no tomorrow.
Your fears had lost their power over you.
The demands of this world don’t overwhelm you anymore.
You are not that easily pushed from your throne.
You have exchanged your phantasies with ideas.
You are not being easily impressed, but you are awe-inspired by life itself…
You are the one who judges yourself. You are the one who overcomplicates your life. You are the one who is projecting. You are the one who pulls the trigger. You are the one who is using other people as an excuse. You are the one who is using force. You are the one who is building up the walls. You are the one who has expectations. You are the one who ducks down.
Do you remember?
“Get the fuck out of your head,” this has been my message from the universe – not only on this mornings’ walk, but all the past two months…
The ‘lockdown’ forced me into my head. My body forced me to get out of my head.
To be fair – for me it was not really a big difference as I chose to retreat or ‘cocoon’ for the past five months. (I have learnt this term recently from my beloved youtube mentor “The Heart Alchemist” Christina Lopes.) Finally I had an excuse to stay at home.
It’s been rough. My thoughts became so heavy that I literally had to start running. I was in ‘fight and flight’ mode nearly every single day of the past two months.
Panic attacks and emotional flashbacks – from more than one lifetime – shook my bones. I ran and I cried. There were days when my tank of tears was empty. There was nothing to cry anymore.
So, I started walking and drumming and singing instead….
After travelling India for two months I had spent two months at my parents house. My nomad life forced me ‘home’ – how ironic, isn’t it?! And this was probably the hardest journey of my life. I had to look at my old wounds. I had to look at it all. The wounds of my whole family…
Healing became essential. I was forced to train my thinking. I was forced to transform grief into gratitude, frustration into positivity, anger into love…
Now I know: I have to do it! I have to turn everything that doesn’t feel good into love.
I always thought this is a hard thing to do, but in reality I was only looking for excuses and for shortcuts. I didn’t understand that this is a skill that I already inherit.
My addictions had taught me a lot about ‘excuses’. It is the time now to become addicted to love.
Go and play your roles lightly again.
Go and be happy.
This is just an illusion.
Don’t ask for permission to love.
Don’t be somehow, but be who you are.
Understand that you are a physical body that consists of biochemical processes. Take care of this body. The vessel of your soul.
As simple as that.
“This is not about the destination. If it was, what would you do when you get there?,” thank you Sarah Beth Yoga for making this morning an even more remarkable one…
This morning rattled me. Yesterday I was in a state of paralysis. I thought now it must be the time to go to the psychiatric clinic. My past two months were that way, but now the momentum is coming back.
The shift becomes so obvious, I can’t be scared anymore.
The astonishing fact: I asked for it.
I asked for every single lesson. There is always something to learn. Always. I don’t know what my life would be without these lessons? What would my life be without change? Would it be a life?
I’m not talking about physical change here… I’m talking about the change of perspective, the change of habits, the change of thinking. Because this happens when you learn. You rewire your entire brain… This is why I always travelled. It was never about seeing places. It was about learning.
Why not go for a walk in the middle of the night instead of lying in bed sleepless? Why not using my energy appropriately? Why not singing it out instead of being angry? Why not running it off?
This world is a playground and I am here to play. Of course we have to work fucking hard. Me too. Everybody does. But that’s what it is all about.
This is an incredible opportunity to learn. This is seriously the only thing that keeps me going. The moment when I understood this changed my life forever: The moment when I understood how much I love learning, how it is my driving force.
I don’t remember if there was a moment, but I know that there was always this force in my life. This force that told me that there is ‘something else’ to life. Something ‘more’.
Up to now I didn’t even know what I was talking about.
Now I know that this is all about awareness. This is all about being able to sense, to appreciate what is happening around you. This is the oldest practice of all times. The practice of being present.
It’s All About Awareness
When I went for a walk this morning I asked for guidance. Where should I go?
I passed a field of barley and I saw a spider hanging in the grains, hidden in a tiny cobweb. The spider was holding on to the grains with her acrobatic legs.
“So, this is your home?,” I smiled at her.
All of sudden I realized that I am already there. I am able to see the small things. I feel a rush of love when I see the sun rising above the fields – with the fresh morning breeze in my ear… Even writing it down here brings tears into my eyes. This is how moved I am by the beauty of nature – time and time again.
But there are the times when I forget. There are the times when I’m eaten alive by my fears and my self-doubt. Indecision paralyzes me in these moments – desperately waiting for a sign that never comes when I expect it…
On these days I get so anxious that I don’t want to see people at all if I don’t have to. On these days I forget that I am in control of my life. I am in control of my happiness. Nobody will make me happy. Nobody will make a decision for me. Nobody will be happy for me…..
But some people are a little bit more happy, when I am happy. So, why not just walk around and be happy??!
How To Play A Role Lightly?
So, what does this have to do with playing roles? Everything! Because the roles are the masks that keep us trapped…
“How to play a role lightly?”
Ram Dass printed this question into my notes and into my head. I’ve been collecting notes on this question for quite a while now.
Only today when I watched this spider it came crashing down on me how everything is related so smoothly: My negative thinking patterns are my roles.
Or actually it felt like the opposite: It felt like all the roles were taken from me….
I had this sensation quite a lot in the past two years, but more and more I can weave it into words.
More and more I can look out for ‘patterns’ to drop. And this is a longterm process. It’s truly like peeling an onion.
I was blaming myself for my massive ups and downs, for my heavy emotional flashbacks. Slowly it dawns me that every breakdown is another layer… I’ve been peeling another layer – a very stolid layer.
I’m learning my tools and they are so simple.
This is what fills my heart with gratitude these days and it manifests my desire to get this knowledge out there to everybody who needs it. I want to make the knowledge accessible. (“Hm, maybe sharing more on social media would be a step, right?”:)
So, what is a role? A role is not only the role you play in society (mother, employee,..) or a role you play in your head (author, artist,…:), it can also be a trait or a feeling. What do I mean by that? For a long time I didn’t realize how much pressure I put on myself by assuming that I am ‘depressed’ or I am not normal or ‘I am an over-improver’. These anti-mantras became my personality traits.
“You become your thoughts. You become what you think about.”
It is worth it to consider this and rephrase this and let this knowledge settle in.
What do you identify yourself with? What is the first thing you are telling yourself in the morning? What definitions and standards are you holding on to? Are they yours? Are they helpful or not? Do you need them?
All of this defines me.
Now that I took the time to spend so so much time in my head the voices become clearer and clearer…
The judge became louder and louder – until I’ve started to scream back.
More than that: I’m laughing at her. I’m laughing out loud when the huge, dark, negative voices come and cloud my view.
Of course I’m not ‘fully there’. I guess I will never be fully there – and this is the beauty of it. It’s a never-ending process.
Because if I was ‘there’, what would I do, right?
What happens when we reach the destination? It is better to enjoy the journey – and travel lightly. That means playing everything lightly.
…and because a list might comes handy, I have worked up my notes about “How To Play A Role Lightly” a little for you as take-away:
- Do not consider your job as your passion. Just do it. Do it with pleasure if you will. Do everything with pleasure.
- Do what needs to be done. Do the best job you can, but don’t get lost in perfectionism. “Doing” is an outside experience, while being is an inside experience. What does that mean? You do things in the outside world, but inside you remain quiet. This is a crucial lesson yet to be learnt.
- Stop being driven by deadlines and results. Just ‘do’ and detach from the outcome. It takes the stress away. Otherwise you will get lost.
- Have rules, have boundaries, but don’t freak out when they are being crossed. It means nothing.
- You have nothing to prove and nothing to lose. Take it easy.
Know that you are capable of transforming every negative event into a positive one. Rewrite your story easily.
When you realize that what you do doesn’t define you and what you say is without meaning, then you are truly free.
Participate in life like you are attending a funeral.
Celebrate every moment as a ceremony.
Approach every task with grace and dignity.
Appreciate the beautiful memories and let them warm your heart.
Speak words of wisdom and kindness.
Surrender to the procedure – the natural law of gain and loss.
Bow to life deeply.