‘I feel raw like a carpaccio,’ I am contemplating the current state of my being.
Raw and juicy. Mmmhhh…
My current life situation provides a learning curve with a steepness I didn’t quite expect for the rest of this year.
I had no idea what kind of surprises the universe would hold in stock for me after experiencing a so-called ‘dark night of the soul’, which lasted for about five months.
After working a couple of night shifts in a row I am sitting in front of my computer. I’m catching myself ‘waiting for inspiration’ – whereas my body is screaming for rest.
What do I expect of my neurons? I should lay down and sleep, but of course I’m trying to finish an article I had been working on for way too long (as my inner judge proclaims). In the back of my head I’m beating myself up for not doing (more) yoga or practicing a foreign language.
Jep. My internal organs are contracting. A heavy weight around my ribcage is limiting the capacity of my lungs..
I know this feeling very well. My perfectionism is dragging me down. Anxiety drains my energy system.
“This is a potent time to be with…,” the words of Kendra Adachi, who assisted me in arriving in the present moment over and over again for the past couple of months, are flashing through my head.
She is right.
I am working a full-time job at a low-budget hostel after living a nomad life for the past couple of years. I’ve started a relationship with a man who massages my feet every day (and who I’ve known only for two months). Me and my vagabond soul are practicing ourselves in ‘settling down’… more or less voluntarily. (I still owe you a longer story of what had happened in the past eight months. As some of you might know – I’ve travelled to India and then I fell apart.)
I discover my own boundaries and I’m learning to set them where I still need to set them. I’m learning to receive. I’m learning to ‘not run away’. To make it short: I’m confronted with regular life in times of a global pandemic. Yay – great fun!
It’s a time of adaptation. More than ever before I can feel it – a new phase had ended and something new began. Where this new period of time will lead? I have no clue… But do I have to know the destination?
2020 has been profoundly challenging – for a lot, if not all of us…
I did my homework during lockdown and quarantine phases (partly self-imposed). I dove deep into the darkest corners of the blackness of my personality. I reconnected with my soul in the darkness. My physical body is still sympathizing with old patterns.
There is A LOT to integrate.
And I better take my time to do it – if I don’t want to scare the people away who are trying to love me (for a change).
Still it amazes me how accurately aligned this global crisis is with the personal crisis I’m going through…
‘Who do you think you are? Some sort of hyper-human?,’ I’m questioning myself…
Well, honestly, I do think I’m some sort of a transmutation or at least I consider my life as a research project – as you might have noticed.
Haha, it sounds like the same story as usual… but it is not quite…
I’ve asked for help and I’ve received it – in ways I have never expected. I’ve met the most inspiring and courageous souls that showed me my own strength and my own endurance.
The darkness became my friend in the end and finally it is my turn to actually apply the tools I had been gathering since I’ve started my journey in 2013 (or was it 2015? or 2017? :D)
‘Surrender or die’ – This is the short version of what I had learnt from my ‘dark night of the soul’. Dark night of the soul? Sounds more hip than just calling it a ‘depression’ or a ‘depressive phase’, right?!
I’m not even being pathetic here. It just wouldn’t be fair to call it a ‘depression’, because I was not depressed in the sense of ‘I couldn’t do anything’. I just lost track for a little while and remained paralyzed in a state of fear. I think that’s called trauma. That’s a difference. Argh, I didn’t mean to sound ironic here. It was really not fun. BUT… I FREAKIN’ DID IT!!! I SURVIVED AND I LEARNT A TON!!!
Anyway, probably I will dive into that further along the way… 😉
The challenge is to surrender. Surrender to the currents of life and trust that my life jacket will rescue me.
And how do I surrender? By doing nothing… First I wanted to call the challenge the ‘What-do-I-want-challenge”. This sounded too proactive and too ‘awwe, she is still searching’. Then I wanted to call it “Mindfulness-Challenge”, but come on?! “Do-Nothing-Challenge” sounds a bit more polarizing…
Another challenge? Well, the task is actually to destress myself. I want to give myself time to adjust…
I had attempted this challenge several times already. The task is to meditate for one hour a day for 30 days in a row…. And see what happens… I’m four days into this challenge and I’m already gathering some learning. By the end of the week I will give you an update.