Outdated

These days I feel ‘outdated’.

I don’t know exactly what I mean by that, but who the hell am I to know what I’m writing about?

I feel like I need an update.

Nope, actually I feel like I need a new harddrive; a super fast ssd with rapid mode if this is a thing…

The past couple of days I was punishing myself for not being productive – nothing new.

I don’t know about you, but I’m so busy preserving my sanity that I barely get things done at the moment.

Before/during christmas I wanted to post at least two more posts. I wanted to start using the writing software scrivener, I wanted to make up my mind about the direction I’m heading professionally next year…

It is a lot right now.

I feel like I’m standing at the intersection of a busy road.

Did I say intersection?

Not quite.

I feel like I’ve just gotten out of a deep forest after a long-distance hike and now I’m trying to cross a busy six-lane-highway….

Nope, I DON’T have all my ducks in a row right now. And my ducks are freaking out!

Plus:

There is a ton of unpublished material.
There are myriads of unprocessed ideas, half-finished articles and creative projects.
There are endless tasks on my numerous to-do-lists and endless things I want to get better at….

Stop!

There is something else beyond all this confusion…

There is this huge potential hidden in every challenge that I’m facing. There is this profound growth concealed in every solution that I find.

There is this deep knowledge inside of me.

I just know that it’s there – even if it’s not accessible to me…

Do I might also need a new graphics card?

There is this heartening trust in spite of all the uncertainty.

Mayyybee, only maybe the challenges of this year pay off?

“You are the only one keeping me sane,” a friend of mine – who admittedly is slightly mad (in the most positive sense) – pointed out to me.

THAT’S funny.

I feel like I’m going insane.

What did he mean?

Well, I have doubts and I have fears.

Throughout this year I learnt that I better be transparent with myself about my fears, my doubts and my pain.

Why? Because otherwise I get nasty. I’m starting to destroy things, because I’m blaming them for making my life not working.

But in the end it’s just a small adjustment that my soul is calling upon? Maybe I just need to refurbish my toolbox?

I better check for software updates before the end of the year…

All these lessons want to be integrated.

Maybe sometimes a reboot is the only option?

 

How To Thrive In Times of Crisis?

I believe in miracles.

This year the universe conspired to an extent that I can’t simply call luck.

These days I’m blown away by the twists and turns that have occurred on my path.

My devotion to my personal journey is greater than ever.

My desire ‘to create’ is thrilling with a swooshing sound. There is this irrevocable force within myself that wants to express.

I don’t have the capacity anymore to carry out these patterns of self-doubt and hesitation.

I can see clearly now where my ‘shadow work’ of the past seven years had led me. (Nope, when I visited my first therapy session with a psychologist in 2013 I was not familiar with the term ‘shadow work’. But at this point I also didn’t know that I would actually find the answers in the corners where I want to search the least.)

Today I can see clearly in which areas I’m in need of support. I can see clearly in which areas of my life I have grown. I can see clearly where others could use my support.

It’s a process.

I can see clearly now that I have purpose.

This year was by far the most challenging year of my entire life. My mom got diagnosed with cancer. A relationship (I thought I was in) fell apart. This pandemic forced me to return home and explore my roots – radically.

I’m still searching for the words to describe what this journey looked like. As I’m aiming to finish this article (and eventually share some useful content) I won’t dive deep into it at this point.

I might have lost track for a while, but I have never lost hope. That’s what got me where I am now. Where am I? In a position that gives me the confidence to publish this here. And this already makes me proud of myself – for the very first time in a long time.

So. It is a pretty tough time for most of us. I’m speaking about ‘crisis’ from a existential point of view, but maybe you find some take-aways.

This is supposed to be a threesome;), but bullet point four is so important – I couldn’t leave it out.

1. Stick to Routines

…and if you can’t: Don’t be hard on yourself! Allow yourself some rest. Take a nap if you can or go for a little walk and just allow yourself a couple of minutes to breathe…

Take a step back and see, if there is anything else you can improve? And then find a different routine that might suit you better in your current situation. What do I mean by that? For example if you are suffering from a trauma it is very likely that you suffer from a temporary biochemical imbalance within your body. There is no point in trying to develop a rigorous productivity habit, while your body is in fight-flight-freeze mode.

The best thing you can do is attempting a routine that supports your physical body for example drinking enough water or meditating for five minutes in the morning or doing some stretching. Even the smallest goal will support you on your healing journey. How? Because you set an intention. And by setting an intention you are signaling to your subconscious that it is time for change.

2. Be Honest With Yourself

“You can’t change anything in a state of denial!” I don’t remember where I’ve heard this statement. Probably it was by Jeremy Goldberg from longdistancelovebombs. This is spot on and so my experience. The whole scope of ‘seeing things clear’ dawns me more and more every single day.

Acknowledge the crisis for what it is. No matter what you go through – is it a serious disease or a divorce. Be clear about the situation you are in and the challenges your are facing – even if you have to start your life from scratch. Sometimes you are being forces into change. Every new beginning also inherits a lot of opportunity to start things anew.

NO MATTER what you are suffering from – by being transparent with yourself about the blockages you are facing you are moving closer towards your healing. No matter how painful this process might be. If you leave out the ‘nitty-gritty’, you will never proceed in your personal development! The good news is: The moment you start seeing things clear, is the moment when your life takes momentum again… Which leads me to my next point:

3. Think Positive

Even in the darkest hour of your life you can choose. You can choose empowering thoughts. Or you can choose disempowering thoughts. Hal Elrod demonstrates strikingly where positive thinking can lead you. He suffered from more than one major strokes of fate and always recovered with sheer willpower.

These days it is sometimes hard to distinguish which thoughts belong to you and which to somebody else. In these times it is even more crucial to direct your thinking towards thoughts that serve you and that don’t drain your energy.

It is a bit tricky: On the one hand you are called to name your fears but on the other hand it is crucial to focus on ‘productive’ thoughts. When you find yourself in a crisis where you are not able to change anything in the external, there is one thing that you can change for sure: Your way of thinking.

4. Ask for Help

Big one – this is massive. I’m exploding of gratitude, because I am able to share this one with confidence now. ‘Asking for help’ was probably one of my major challenges this year.

“You will need help!” – Last year in November I met a shaman at the esoteric fair in Munich. He predicted the upcoming challenges on my path. “Me? Help? But I’m doing it all by myself! How can I receive help?,” my Aries-me responded panically with the outlook of asking for help.

The moment was there. One ‘tower-moment’ after another ripped my illusions about life apart. I had to re-gather myself. I couldn’t have done it by myself.

I asked for help. Who? Coaches, friends, family members, random strangers, doctors…. It changed everything – seriously.

Only now writing this down, I realize that this is material for another article. I can’t emphasize it enough: ASK FOR FREAKIN’ HELP! You will be surprised what the universe does.

 

About Words

Why I write?

My words are my light. My words are my darkness. My words are my journey. My words are my destination. My words are my home.

They are nothing I ‘make up’.

I don’t do words.

Writing is not my skill, it is my trait.

My words are the process. They are my tools and my material at the same time.

Words set the stage and they perform. They are able to build and to dissolve. Words are the story and the narrator – all at once.

My words are like stray dogs. I let them run free and this is how they thrive. I don’t restrict them. I treat them with care. They have a place in my heart and this is why they always come back to me.

If I put them on a leash they get cranky. If I overindulge them they spoil.

Words – I use them as they use me. I become them. I am transcending through my words as they transcend through me.

My words are my thoughts but they are also my brain.

My words are my ascension partners. My words are my closest friends or my worst enemies. It depends. (And no, this is not a matter of perspective and this is okay….)

I can’t say ‘I want my trust back!’ I can’t say ‘I have to trust’. I can ‘just’ trust.

If I allow my words to be, they unfold. This is writing. It is a subconscious outlet of my expansion. They are nothing but a valve – but just as crucial as a pipeline for delivering drinking water.

What are they delivering? Words are the messenger but also the freight.

Words are zen. Words are the tao.

Words are everything if you let them. Words are nothing if you take them too seriously.

Take them too accurate and they will become your prison.

Let them go wild and they will become your shelter.

The other day there was high water at Isar after three days of heavy rain.

There is a swimming spot I had been visiting regularly during this summer season. It was kind of an island amidst my favourite river here in Munich.

The flood water rearranged the whole river bed. All the algea were washed away.

No stone was left unturned.

The currents had changed. A wooden stamp had built a little whirl pool in the very center of the river bed.

Everything was renewed and refreshed. It felt like a restart.

And this is what words do if you let them flow. They rearrange themselves. They become more powerful. They clear themselves. They settle.

This is the really f***ing difficult part of writing. Your mind wants to control. It wants to know the end of the sentence before you even start typing.

It wants to outline the whole book instead of creating the first chapter.

True beauty, the real raw beauty lies in imperfection.

Did you ever consider a tree as imperfect? Did you ever think ‘This tree really looks like shit here.’?

If yes, I’m sorry. I’m praying for you.

Your soul understands.

A tree is a tree.

It grows out of the elements.

It is the elements. It is creation. It arises out of destruction. It sprouts from the mud.

And so does your creation.

Creation demands freedom.

So, don’t do it perfectly.

Just do it.

Do it with your heart. Do it with trust. Lean into it fully.

Own it – and then let it go.

Give it away. If you cling to it, it will restrict you.

This is how you become a slave to your perfectionism.

But you know what?

Don’t beat yourself up for your poisonous perfectionism. It will make it worse.

Move to your rhythm. But move.

Don’t stay still. Don’t be paralyzed in the face of your perfectionism.

Smile at it. Be perfect in the now, but don’t try to live up to it.

This is how you integrate it. Accept and take action.

Instead of making a perfect plan, do the next step.

Put your faith into action. Don’t make ‘being perfect’ your goal, but make it your approach.

This all sounds paradoxical.

Let it be what it is and jump right in.

My words are exploring darkness.
My words are cutting and piercing through – until the truth leaks out.
This is how I enter the light.

 

The Problem With Separation Consciousness

The problem with separation consciousness is that we think ourselves into separation.

The problem with separation consciousness is that we think ourselves into separation.

The problem with separation consciousness is that we think ourselves into separation.

I could write this down a hundred of times, but you won’t get it. Why? Because you don’t understand union.

Do I really have to tell you what it is? I don’t think so. Apart from the fact that I literally can’t, there are all these great teachers who do a pretty good job at describing it. Eckart Tolle to only name one this time. (Hint: Check Buddhism, Taoism and the popular world religions and feel between the lines!)

I can give you a hint: You can’t think yourself into union!

The problem with the terms around separation consciousness is that we THINK ourselves into separation. Even writing this down here I emphasize it.

“Separate from what?,” you might ask.

Tonight I remembered my purpose. It is reminding you of consciousness. Consciousness in the sense of union with source. I completely forgot that most people don’t have the slightest idea what it is…

I thought to myself: Why does the suffering hurt so much? It is probably the first time that I truly admit that. It hurts so much, because I tried to figure it out. All of the past years. Until I got lost in abstraction.

I had to do it. I had to get to this point where the illusion can’t sustain itself anymore. Now I can feel that THIS is the real starting point…

Everything else was the way to the way. My mind helped me to get here.

This realization that I made it all up.
This realization that the illusion is real – and the joke about it is that I knew it all along. The ‘space’ was always there, but I didn’t dare to enter.

The projection of my thoughts is what created my reality.

But the matter of fact is that I can ALWAYS choose my level of consciousness. I just never wanted to accept that. By choosing I already imply that I choose with my mind (interestingly called ‘consciously’).

Isn’t it what the mind is here for? I can always choose to be present. I can choose to create. I can choose to have a glass of water. I can choose what I have for breakfast. I can choose to cling to my thoughts. I can choose to react. I can choose suffering. I can choose the idea that ‘something better is yet to come’.

Man, I am preaching this over and over again. I am so happy that I was forced and forced and forced to question my thoughts endlessly.

This is what writing does. It makes you question the fuck out of your thoughts, because you always reach dead ends.

This is the problem with mind. It always reaches dead ends, because everything that happens in mind is a thought, a projection.

Now:

You can’t think yourself into union.
We can’t think ourselves into union.
I can’t think myself into union.

Oh boy. This is so deep. It hurts. And why does it hurt so much?

Because I cling so much. My ego just loves it. I love my false reality so much. I love the illusion soooooo much. I have to cry and laugh at the same time, because it is so ridiculous.

We just can’t let go. We can’t imagine that there could be something more beautiful behind this curtain. Hahaha, if it would be a curtain. It is a sturdy wall! The wall was built up by our grand grand fathers and it is quite a task to demolish it.

But this is what we gonna do! We are going to demolishing this wall of our conditioning…….(Mmmmmh I love this word so much, I love it and I hate it….) And then there is space to create! It is time for some courageous creation.

Only now it dawns me that there is a ton of work to do for us. It will be hard, but it will be worth it.

I am beyond excited to create with you! <3

 

Permission Slip

I allow myself to tap into my power.
I allow myself to act out my personal gifts.
I allow myself to be present in every moment.
I allow myself to sense opportunities with my heart.
I allow myself to release.
I allow myself to take action.
I allow myself to pause and take action when it is needed.
I allow myself to feel my feelings and move on.
I allow myself to identify the blocks that are holding me back and to overcome them.
I allow myself to overcome every challenge that I am facing. I allow myself to expand.
I allow myself to hold space.
I give permission to the divine to guide me into the direction that my soul is calling me.
I give my soul permission to direct my physical body.

 

Radical Self Love

By loving ourselves we unlock our potential.

By understanding our own gift and having the courage to put it out there we are truly making a difference.

It is not the time for false modesty now. It is the time to stand tall with everything we are.

It is the time to love ourselves more than we ever did.

 

Radical Awareness

Recently I found out HOW FAR I had crossed my boundaries in the past years – basically since my adolescence.

I don’t remember the day when I forgot where I start and where I end.

“Who did traumatize you?,” some ex-colleague asked me a couple of years ago.

I didn’t know how to reply.
I didn’t remember consciously.

Now I can see it more and more clearly.

There is trauma stored inside of my body and my genes – conditioned through former generations and lifetimes.

The trauma manifests in my belief patterns and my tendency to end up in unhealthy (I don’t like the term toxic anymore – even though it is an accurate description) relationships.

I re-traumatized myself by not knowing my boundaries….

I knew that there is such thing as ‘boundaries’. What I didn’t understand ultimately was that I’m the one who has to set them.

What feels good for me? Do I feel esteemed by my partner or my friends? Do I enjoy doing what I’m doing? Do I enjoy where I am? These were questions that never occurred to me….

Either I was busy meeting my own demands or fulfilling the needs of others. But I never asked myself if I feel good? If the relationship or the friendship gives me what I need? I never allowed myself to have any demands.

Now I know that this is called codependency and now I know that there is a cure for this and the cure is called ‘radical healing’.

Finally I understood that not every human wants my very best.

How could I be so naive?

Well, luckily I learnt to laugh about myself. A good portion of humor helps me to accept my former blindness and keeps me from becoming bitter.

Luckily the universe presented me with the necessary lessons – as usual.

Finally the pain forced me into self-love.

I reached a point where I HAVE to set boundaries – if I want to survive.

A crisis is the most radical learning experience you can ever have.

For a long time I was talking about pain and fear on this blog, but I have to admit that I never fully allowed my pain.

There was always this last resistance.

There was always this fear of the fear. The fear of feeling the pain completely. I thought I must be strong. I am not allowed to remain in pain…. But some pain is persistent… It might takes months. Or even years?

What did I think?

Probably I thought I wouldn’t be able to handle it. I thought I would break.

What I learnt now through emotional pain that manifested physically in my body is that the toxic thing is not the pain itself but the resistance…

The more I’m holding on to my feelings, the more I’m resisting to feel anger, grief or sadness fully the more painful it gets…

This is how anxiety attacks are able to drain my energy system.

This is how I become ‘unaware’.

This is how I get lost in ‘shortcuts’ (addictions).

What’s the cure?

The cure is radical honesty. It is that simple. Being able to be honest about my real feelings. I wish I would have known this when I was 16 years old.

The feelings won’t harm me. They will pass – no matter how long it takes. I have to allow them. What will harm me in the end is the disconnection from myself that is created by resisting negative feelings…

The good news is that there is a way back.

And the way back exists right in this moment.

To be more precise – the present moment IS the way back.

By allowing what is in this moment I reconnect with myself.

Ram Dass says: “Don’t be afraid of appearances”

Finally I get what he is talking about.

This is what I call ‘radical awareness’.

Radical awareness is the ability to be aware of what is going on internally and externally – without judging it, or counteracting.

Only now I understand HOW important the practice of awareness truly is for personal development – the personal path.

Awareness is the path to the path.

The more I become aware the more clearly I can see. The clearer I can see everything the more clears my path.

All of a sudden I can see the signs again.
All of a sudden my whole body relaxes into place.
Only by becoming aware of what is.

This is the way towards radical healing.

‘Investigate!’

This is something I blared into my notebook many times recently…

I didn’t understand how ‘intuition’ and ‘investigation’ are interlinked.

intuitio – ‘the immediate insight’

How do you act intuitively?

By being aware and by looking – constantly!

I have the impression we are mistaken intuition for a spontaneous reaction or something like that.

But in reality it can be covered up and what we think is our intuition is just an emotional reaction to an external trigger…

Intuition is a response in alignment with our needs.

Nowadays these needs are most likely covered up with… with what?

I’d say expectations, pressure, distractions, addictions,…..

So, sometimes we have to investigate in order to find what our intuition is trying to say to us again.

I got caught up in concepts.
I got caught up in my own expectations.
I got caught up in ‘adding up’ instead of ‘letting go’.

Until?

Until I nearly exploded (or imploded). This is pretty much the only way I can put it.

I got so tense.

I had to open my heart and my heart moved me towards forgiveness.

Radical Forgiveness

I forgive myself for my mistakes.
I forgive my parents.
I forgive the system.
I forgive my abusers.
I forgive men.
I forgive me.

My heart bursts open and all of a sudden there is space…
It was always there, but I always locked the doors. Ooohh, I barricaded them! And I didn’t even realize it. I asked myself why does nobody want to enter my heart?

I locked my heart so tightly and I threw away the key.
Until my heart got so big that it exploded the chains.

Yayyy.

My heart itself ruptured my resistance.

And what there is is love, more compassion than ever before, more beauty, more light….

This is healing. This is becoming whole. I can feel myself again, because I felt myself fully in my deepest pain.

I was left alone and what I found was that I am my best company, my best friend. I am my everything, so why would I need to be the everything of somebody else?

Radical Healing

Radical forgiveness is possible through radical awareness.

If I wouldn’t look at everything I wouldn’t see cleary.

How can I heal if I don’t look at my wounds? How can I heal if I abstract? If I get lost in the process… I had lost myself in strategies. These were coping mechanisms to prevent me from seeing the truth.

I’m not sure yet if I need to know the origin of all these wounds.

I feel like I’ve overcomplicated this path tremendously with my intellectual understanding.

All I had to do was to become aware of my wounds. Fully aware.

The more clear I can see the more clear become the milestones of the path….

Don’t challenge reality.
Look at what you see.
Don’t be scared of your wounds.
Look right into it.
See things clear.