Observations of 2021

I wasn’t planning on writing an “end of the year”-post. (I was planning on writing a whole bunch of other stuff of course – as always:)

But there is some plain truth revealing itself to me over and over again in the recent days.

It is this crystal clear clarity – the clarity of a freezing cold, sunny winter morning:

Healing occurs – but “the work” doesn’t end.
Awareness opens up new doors. It brings forth new realms, new lessons to discover…

The lesson is not the learning. It is never the learning.
The lesson is the experience.

This year ends as it began – with a bucket full of wisdom.

My main observations of 2021 that hopefully serve me well in 2022:

  • Time passes – if I do anything about it or not.
  • I get wiser – if I want it or not. 😉
  • Everything changes – if I want it or not. When I said “I am the change” at the beginning of this year, it was true because I am “the whole ocean in one drop” (Rumi), but still there is a whole other ocean out there…. (With other words: The whole ocean is still vast and unknown.)
  • NOTHING is like it seems! I wish everybody would understand this….
  • And (surprise, surprise): I can’t predict the future – neither can I control the outcome.

What can I do?

I can embrace the human experience (my newest discovery).

I can give birth to every moment, to my own creation, to connection, to myself (the old and the new)….

I can meet my intuition halfway – in stillness. And the stillness is not to be found anywhere else but “within myself”.

This is all nothing new. I wrote about all this from day one of this writing experiment called “growthbuddy”.

And still: This is what fills me with joy. Writing this down here lets my heart sigh, so I will keep going. And this time one thing is for sure: I CAN’T WAIT!!

I am beyond excited to greet 2022. Also I am beyond excited – and honored – to finish this year with a little bit more peace and acceptance within myself. And hey: This is more than I could have ever asked for.

Thank you life for always meeting me where I am at 😉

 

Collective Shadow Work, The Fear of Change and The Paradox of “Surrender”

Change is here. Change is now. By now most of us seem to agree on this: Change is inevitable.

But how do we proceed on our journey?

The fear of change is creating a huge shadow overcasting the sky of opportunity.

It is our turn to step up and step right into this fog. Now is the time to shine, fellow lightworkers. Don’t be scared of this huge wall of darkness in front of you. It is only energy and you are able to transform it.

Give in and surrender to your feelings. This is how you let the wall dissolve. This is collective shadow work. Allow your cells to transmute.

Open your eyes. Loose grip. Bow down. Give in, soul.

Devote yourself to the truth.

Melt into the moment. Accept the challenge that is being presented right in front of you.

Look through the veil. Open yourself up and step into reality.

Solve the problems that you are facing with the means that you have instead of blaming, blaming, blaming… the circumstances or everyone else who appears to be incapable of solving your problems, because they are your problems and not theirs.

You have the power to solve those problems if you are willing to see the resources you are given.

What are you fighting for? And what are you revolting?

Let go of your comfort and then let go of your discomfort. As simple as that.

“The great surrendering” is here. We have the chance to come back to our senses.

Confusion leads to expansion if we let it.

Chaos is the motor of our progress.

Challenge is the driving force of the evolution of consciousness.

Fear is our magical tool.

Why?

Fear vanishes the ego. Let it in.
Fear forces us to dive into the unknown.
The ego can’t persist and it will succumb to unity.

This is our unique opportunity to come back to life.

 

Ease in

What’s the difference between ‘easing in’ and ‘letting go’?

Words.

I will keep rephrasing them. Renaming the unnamable. Reshaping the intangible – the power of manifestation.

What’s the difference between ‘easing in’ and ‘letting go’?

The difference is the feeling beyond those words.

Everything that requires action has the potential to cause resistance.

To ‘ease in’ represents ‘non-action’.

It is a principle in every martial art form and in a lot of (if not most) ancient teachings.

Do I have to elaborate this any further?

I don’t think so.

Happy new moon everyone.

 

Yes, Universe

“The universe doesn’t understand no.” – This was the title of an article I wrote about three years ago. At that time I did not suspect what kind of journey I was driving at. It was and it still is the journey of truth.

I couldn’t foresee that this blog would be a life-changing endeavour and a continuous force moving me along my personal development. This blog truly became my motor. I am constantly learning and listening.

What I thought were ‘dead ends’ were portals disclosing different layers of consciousness. Writing this down here fills me with joy and gratitude. I am more than grateful that I had been able to listen – that morning in 2017 when I had the dream about giving birth and starting this domain.

That morning I had started listening and I never stopped.

“Ask the universe and it answers” – it was also in 2017 when I understood this fundamental truth.

Our thoughts manifest our reality. EVERY thought that I ever thought manifested my reality. Up to date I am witnessing this with brighter and brighter clarity.

Of course I made moves, I took decisions, but the truth is that everything happened to me. I was always guided by, call it, destiny if you wish.

What I understand more and more is that I am the one ‘steering’ my fate. Putting this in words is delicate, because the words around it cause so much resistance. Nevertheless I keep trying… I am not steering in the sense of controlling. I am taking a course. I am navigating through inclement weather. I am responding to the circumstances.

Paradoxically, partially, I am the one creating the circumstances.

A couple of months ago I wrote a post called “Not to write is not an option”. Over the course of the following weeks it dawned me: I had planted a thought into my head. The thought that “I don’t write enough”. Hahaha, it still blows my mind how these words could become the root cause of a slight anxiety resting in my subconscious, a cord constraining my chest.

Seriously, every single day on this earth I understand it on a deeper level: HOW MUCH my thoughts influence my behaviours. UNWILLINGLY. This is the crucial thing. It is beyond my control more than it is within my control. It just is.

Do you know this feeling of looking back at some life-event asking yourself: “How could this happen? How could I/we make this decision?”

Well, when you are really honest there had been this voice in your head or that conversation that took place – much much earlier. The terrified “What if?”. The doubts that were shouting louder than the confidence. It can be a fear, a lack of self-worth or a false belief: Maybe your self-worth was tied to some imaginary value of what it means to be worthy. Tadaa: It’s done. Reality created. It is really really hard, but it iss possible to over-write and re-create that image.

How?

With the power of imagination.

So: The most crucial part on this journey is to make use of our VIVID imagination. We just have to be brave enough to make things up. To create a positive image of our future or of that project, that move you had been planning for soooo long. The only twerk is to shift focus to the positive – the possible! Action WILL follow automatically.

Of course, it is possible to act first, but if not: The thought is first. Action will come as soon as the faulty image of ourselves in our head does not have any foundation anymore. In this moment we create the new reality.

I know that you know it. I am just reminding you.

Have you truly opened yourself up to possibility? Have you let go of the clinging to the conditioning? Do it now. Let it go and receive what belongs to you anyway.

 

Sacrifice

Just now in the subway a word came into my head: Sacrifice.

I know the word, but am I familiar with it?

Years ago I met this martial arts athlete in New Zealand. He introduced me to his secrets of success: determination, loyalty and sacrifice.

I got it. He had to train hard in order to be a successful fighter and he doesn’t have time for much else – apart from his pals and family.

But honestly, for me it was always hard to grasp. ‘To sacrifice’ always sounded slightly pathetic to me.

This morning I took a shower and I knew my day would get better if I’d turned the tap on cold.

I did. And interestingly I felt nothing.

Well, not nothing. But I did not feel the need to control.

I didn’t control my breath. I didn’t tense up. I didn’t move around tipoeing.

Automatically my heart started pumping my blood a little bit more intensely. My breath speeded up. I inhaled deeply and exhaled strongly.

My body took over. Within a minute I was wide-awake and I had a smile on my face.

In this moment I realized that sacrifice had been a part of my life ever since. But it didn’t feel like it, because subconsciously I always knew that my thoughts, my perception of myself, my limitations and the world around me is just an illusion.

The image that I have of myself is not true. What I think I am capable of is not true. Or let’s phrase it differently: What I think I am not capable of is not true.

I realized how much I had been trying to control my body during these cold showers.

Why? Because I did not trust in my body. This morning I found out that it is completely unnecessary to distrust, because my body knows better than me.

The same thing happened to me the other day when I did over one hundred sun salutations for the first time in my life while during a yoga challenge I attended. I did not know that I was capable of such a physical task.

I set the intention in my mind to let go of control. I said it out loud: “Okay, body, it is your turn.” – and all of a sudden another intelligence took over. The intelligence of my body.

What does it have to do with sacrifice?

Everything. These experiences showed me what happens if I am willing to truly step out of my comfort zone. People who know me are aware of my ‘Aries’-nature: Avoiding challenges is not my thing.

Nevertheless there is a whole other layer of ‘control’ that I didn’t really grasp.

By sacrificing my need to control I am gaining self-confidence, trust in life, in my actions and in my body.

The more I am willing to let go of convenience the more I ‘prepare’ myself for… Yeah, for what?! I prepare myself for making uncomfortable decisions, for listening to my internal voice, for stepping up, saying ‘yes’ to things that scare the shit out of me….

One definition of the noun ‘sacrifice’ according to Merriam Webster dictionary is: “destruction or surrender of something for the sake of something else” – as simple as that. In religious terms it means ‘to offer an innocent being to the gods’ (I could make a huuuge topic out of it, but I won’t.) What am I offering? I am offering my victim mentality, my hesitation and my self-doubt in exchange for self-responsibility and energy.

This morning I had a choice: Do I want to remain in the passive, supposedly ‘cozy’ state of the early morning or do I want to wake up fully, gain clarity and start my day active?

It is interesting, because my example shows how we can actually make use of our ego. Our ego is our means of transport. This is something a lot of people don’t speak about. At least I find that it is not emphasized enough. The ego is not only bad.

Our ego is our messenger. It transmits the spark. The idea is to catch fire, recognize it and carry it through – burning down our resistance – willingly.

How do we do it WITHOUT ego? We don’t. What we do is, we make use of our ego and then we shift gears and allow our subconscious or our body to take over.

This, again, requires trust. The willingness to cross that line. The desire to cross that line of self-pity, fear and anxiety and trust that the grass is greener on the other side.

Don’t get me wrong. There is a time to feel comfortable. There is a time for remaining still and hibernating in our cozy cocoon. But also there is a time to step up, step out, move ahead, go your own way, make an effort for the greater good (in the end).

Sometimes we have to sacrifice comfort, friends, relationships, jobs and even the connection to our family (is it responsibility or just the feeling of duty?) in order to become our own person.

Sometimes we have this deeper knowing that there is ‘something else out there’. In my experience it is well worth it to listen to that tiny voice and disregard ALL those voices telling you that you can’t – the external and the internal. YOU CAN! You can do whatever the f* you want.

What I found out over the course of the past years, especially the last year, is that there always is something else out there – as long as we have this slight feeling, this intuition, this quiet subtle voice of our heart, our soul, however you want to call it. Even if the voice is quiet, the voice is right! GO for it!

We are allowed to grief all the things that we sacrifice, but we are also allowed to welcome our new self. Our stronger self. Our real self?

Surf the wave of change.
Commit to your own growth.
Take your goals seriously.
It is your life and you choose what to dedicate your time to.

 

Time is Relative

Let it fade.
Let it die.
Let it be.
Let it fly.

Enjoy the moment for what it is.
Things change in an instant.
You can’t hold on to this.

Opportunities are endless, life is vast.

Time is fluctuating, so please human,
launch into the present and release the past.

 

Be Soft

Autumn is here. 

Releasing the trees.

Let it release you too.

Let the winds blow away your baggage.

Surrender.

Be grateful for the seasons passed…

Rest, move inwards and prepare for what’s coming up next. 

Be soft.

Be subtle like the change in time.

 

How to Think More Colorful

This was supposed to be a threesome, but it turned out as a wholesome!? 😉

Here we go:

I’m experiencing mood-swings at the moment between gratitude for being alive – especially (!) in those turbulent times (chaos makes me move…) – and between heavy anxiety and doom mood that is nagging my energy.

Oftentimes I am easily irritable. Other times I start laughing for no reason – for minutes… To me it sounds manic, but the fact that I can phrase it seems to display a decent level of emotional intelligence. (Even though, to be really honest with you, I am not sure anymore how much of an advantage that is, but probably I will figure it out on the way;)

During the night I’m grinding my teeth, because my stirred-up mind is strenuously “sorting things out”. (Without telling me what it is actually doing?!)

When I wake up I still feel the cortisol and adrenaline levels in my cells….. F*ck…. I don’t know about you, but to me the energies right now feel INTENSE – and my physical body responds alike.

I find release during the morning walks or during my casual little meditation in the early sun facing the urban greenery in the park nearby.

Yes, these are my tools.

But I can’t silence my mind forever…

On a lot of days the black and the white of my thinking is narrowing my field of view like stone walls in a dungeon.

In those moments I feel trapped.

“Just make your thinking colorful,” I figured the other day. But HOW?

This question was roaming in the back of my head for days.

I tend to think black and white a lot. When I really think about it, my thinking generally appears to be more black than white.

Luckily, there are mornings like this morning today….

At 8 am I went to this little post shop café a few streets away. I have never been there – until yesterday, when I forgot my ID-card that I needed to pick up the small parcel I was awaiting.

I had to return this morning, so I combined it with my little walk. And what can I say? Some small incidents renewed my energy!

“Buenos dias,” I greeted this South American man accompanied by his son and his dog at the traffic light of an intersection. Surprised they asked me for my name. We continued speaking in german.

“We are going to join a soccer game now. You should enjoy the sun today, too.” – “I will,” I replied with honest happiness radiating from my heart – and probably from my face.

Our paths split, but I continued walking with a smile on my face. A few meters ahead I met another man waving at me from the doorstep of his bar. A bar most people just pass by while I was strolling delightfully; occasionally gazing the environment. There was enough time for another friendly encounter. This time it was just a smile.

A few meters further I entered the post shop to successfully pick up the parcel – another two big smiles of the guy behind the counter and the woman in front of the coffee-machine that served me a tasty “latte”.

I sat down in the fresh morning air, chatting with the man on the next table about this and that.

Do you know what? It made my day. This real-life connection to my surrounding. This appreciation of what is. This acceptance of where I am right now at this point in time.

“What if you were okay? What if you were where you are supposed to be at this point in time? What if you already are who you have desired to become for so long?”

These questions popped up in my head a couple of weeks earlier. They reappeared this morning.

I realized that I have colorful thoughts!

They are written in my notes. They are printed into my memory system. My head (and my notebook) is actually full of it. And I can create more of those thoughts just by acknowledging what is, just by witnessing my existence with all its appearances and by making the most of the tiniest moments….

Namaste.

 

Manifestation Recap

If you are longing for connection, isolation won’t get you any closer. 
If you want to become rich, being greedy doesn’t expand your wealth. 
If you want to believe in yourself, questioning your worth is self-defeating.

Self-doubt zeroizes trust.
Negativity retains resistance.

As soon as you open up, things will change. 

Allow the impossible.

 

Not to Write is Not an Option

Okay, I haven’t done much writing in the past couple of months. Why? Because it has lost it’s priority – temporarily: I have started a job with a content marketing agency which requires me to dig back into SEO and various other tasks. In addition to that I have accomplished a row of video editing jobs which took me by surprise by mid june.

So, prospectively I will be writing even more than ever before. Writing this down here makes me realize that this is quite an achievement! I am actually earning money with content writing for the first time in my life to be really accurate.

My inspirational flow for growthbuddy decelerated suddenly – for several reasons I guess:

Firstly because I had been working so much. Secondly: My life and my spiritual health had experienced a major uplift – so, I didn’t really know what to write about after getting out of such a deep valley of darkness.

I have stuff to do at the moment. For the first time in my life the heavy weights on my shoulders are not dragging me down to the underworld anymore, but they actually anchor me in the ground.

I have to admit: I loved working as hard as I did in the last weeks – even though it was very stressful and sometimes I felt exhausted to the bones…

After not doing ‘real’ work in a long time I felt finally reinvigorated and in some way reintegrated – into society. (I didn’t imagine I would say something like this voluntarily.)

Even if I don’t want to admit it: I like that feeling.

I am officially growing roots! Some of you might rejoice in hope now, but I am not talking about settling down, haha. This is about an internal fundament, a settling of my values, a harvest of what I sowed in the past good seven years of self-discovery…

Okay, I didn’t find the time to indulge into the flowing river of my thoughts and my insights. And you know what? My head is exploding and my heart is bursting… I can not not write it all out.

It feels like a reservoir inside of me is filled to the brim – and the dam is about to break. It is not only a reservoir of ideas, but also of unprocessed emotions and experiences.

I realized something fundamental:

For me it is not okay to not write. I don’t know what exactly is pulling me but more and more I come to the acceptance that I have to write. It is part of my mission here. I am called to do so – like others are called to create a sanctuary for people in need or plant a communal garden. (You name it.)

I am called to write – even if there are doubts (massive doubts!) and downtimes.

It is the cure for my self-diagnosed ADHD. I don’t write despite my concentration deficit disorder – I write because of it. Writing forces me into focus. And it does so much more….

It helps me to filter. It helps me to manifest – not only my goals in the physical realm. It clarifies my thoughts. It clears my perception of reality. It changes my viewpoint. It makes me see things – at all or from a different angle.

I have to look at ideas from a different perspective by writing them down. I have to research. Sometimes I get lost in research and I find answers to questions that I didn’t know I had…

My writing forces me to learn nonstop.

And learning creates happiness within myself.
If I don’t write, I lose track.

Of course – periods of not writing are okay. They are even essential. I am also coming to some sort of ‘allowance’ in regards to longer writing breaks. There is no point in punishing myself or pushing myself beyond limits, because it ruins my creative flow as well as my mental and physical health… But at the same time, I need writing to maintain my spiritual health.

There are huge leaps taking place. I am invited into unfamiliar and often dark realms. What I discover there demands to be integrated into my experience on this earth.

What I have learnt over time is that this is my gift: I am discovering things that are scary and hard to comprehend for the soul that chose to incarnate here… By appreciating this gift I make writing less of a struggle.

Writing is my practice. It calms my nerves and makes sense of this whole life experience.

Do what you love.