To appreciate silence one has to know noise.
To find order one has to accept the chaos.
To enter the light one has to befriend darkness.
To know freedom one has to acknowledge restriction.
The one who knows the dark will embody the light.
The one who fathoms confusion will encounter clarity.
The one who lives up to their limitations will grow beyond them.
Yes, I do struggle.
Yes, I don’t know.
And yes, here it is again: “Hello darkness my old friend”* – and the blank page, my salvation…
I recently finished a ten-day Vipassana course and I have to say that it shattered something inside of me to an immeasurable degree. It shook me and my, still so precious, existence. It shifted my perspective on basically everything I have ever done in a subtle and at the same time fundamental way I had never experienced before.
Don’t get me wrong: I know that everything I have ever done is perfect. My past is perfect. My future is perfect. And the presence is what I still long for. And probably this is what made me sign up for the Vipassana course.
In a brief conversation I had today, this person said: “We always have expectations. Otherwise we wouldn’t do a thing.” This was very interesting for me to hear. And it reminded me of how I am creating black and white stories around what “proper” detachment should look like….
It’s OKAY to have expecations. All is okay…. Anyway, later on you will eventually get the point (maybe, maybe not;).
Sooo. What did change through Vipassana? I realized how much I was (and still am!) searching for ‘something’ outside of myself. Yes, I investigate, I reflect.
Life forced me inward several times in my life. To be much more accurate MY PAIN forced me inward, because when the pain became unbearable I had to find resources inside – just to find out that THEY ARE THERE! There ARE resources!!
I internalized, but most of the time I analyzed:
And that is the point. At the end of the day I was always looking for an abstract answer. I was, unwillingly, looking for “an easy to digest” answer – an answer that is still, more or less, acceptable by my upbringing or by my conditioning, my inner voices and internal judges…
It sounds kinda cool to move through the dark night of the soul. It sounds impressive to move kundalini energy. It sounds amazing to “walk the camino”. Nothing more and nothing less.
I confess: I like “the sounds of it”… Transformation. Healing. Yoga and so on.
So. What Vipassana did was that it stripped allll these cozy wordings, definitions, explanations, RITUALS and STORIES off me….
I could finally breathe again.
Vipassana does not serve the answer on a golden platter. It does not give constructive feedback or valuable advice.
‘Gotama showed the path…,’ they say. Yes. Figuratively. “The path” is nothing conceptual. It is nothing logical. It is nothing to map out or to comprehend. It is nothing to understand or to study. It can only – and ONLY be walked. One-step-at-a-time. One sensation after another after another after another….
To be fair: There is no freakin’ path (no offence). There is only life itself. And when I say life I don’t mean “this one life”…. Not at all. There is life vibrating through our cells. There is life sprouting from our veins.
There is no such thing as “the core of our being”. There is only being.
It’s the conceptualization, the intellectualization that is keeping me trapped within my own mind.
Vipassana forced me to open the gate. Or did it rip apart the fence? I don’t know and it honestly does not matter.
Vipassana let life within me run free. And this left traces in my consciousness.
There is some novelty, a new realization awakening within myself…
The purges have been purged. And now life is urging to move me the way I’m supposed to move…. And now writing this down here I can feel the ‘intellect’ creeping in asking: “What are you talking about?”
To use the words of Satya Narayan Goenka, one of the leading teachers of the method of Vipassana: “There is only flux and flow.”
Nothing to suppose. Only to surrender.
And today I do surrender to darkness, because darkness knows more than me. It grounds me. It helps me grow if I let it….
* Simon & Garfunkel, 1964 😉
Embrace the imperfect.
Connect to source.
Journal it out! What’s the root cause of your doubt?
Today is a day of insights, a morning of stream of consciousness.
It is one of those moments when I understand that I am not doing it for me. I am not walking the path for the sake of walking it. I am not even sure if I am walking it.
I am experiencing transformation because my life experience is crucial for the life experience of everyone around me – everyone I influence with my being.
What I am talking about here is not my professional influence or what I am saying or not saying within my social relations. It is not about my writing, because this is what I am doing for myself.
It is about how I show up energetically (or not).
Recently there seems to be a challenging time for a lot of us.
I can feel the collective purge – the RELEASE of “old” emotions or life experience.
I witness it first hand by witnessing the processes of my friends.
The unbearable breaks open.
What was closing off is what is causing the opening – of “the path” and of the heart…
New beginnings appear on the horizon. Out of nowhere.
And what is beyond the horizon is unknown.
And that is where we want to go:
There is this big big big misconception around the spiritual path.
There seems to be some sort of cultural narrative (maybe it is within my perception because I am part of the narrative, which makes it even more pressuring to share this thought as unfiltered as possible.)
The narrative is being told on social media platforms. The images shown are flawless. The spiritual path seems to be paved with beauty. It appears to be a chronological process – and incorporation of THE beauty.
But guess what?
THIS IS NOT THE PATH.
The path is beauty, yes.
But “the way” is hard.
Yes, there are the souls that are awake. They are born into awake beings.
But, we, us, the ones who are reading this (I reckon’) are the ones who have to eat the sh*t.
We have to plough that dirt – the most nourishing ground that we have. Our beautiful ugly life experience, our suffering that is us.
It is within us.
It’s our feelings, our wrong-doings, our mistakes, our painfully covered truth that’s sooo crooked. It hurts.
The old skin that wants to be shed but it is so “intergrown” with our lives, entangled with our conditionings.
There is one thing I am more certain than ever: There is no way around it. The untangling is what will release a ton of energy. We know it deep down inside (not as far down as we think).
Our imagination can help us to give the push, but we have to make the move and trust.
The thing about that is: There is no reason not to trust.
This reminds me of a quote I read in a philosophy magazine called “Hohe Luft”: “Being satisfied with life can be an act of rebellion in times where thriving to be the best version of ourselves became the way of being.”
To trust is also an act of rebellion in times where deterioration is everything that is being broadcasted.
And the counter movement? Is BLINDFOLING our true feelings – burrying the truth….
The thing is: We don’t need a movement. All we need is to trust in our own abilities. And with abilities I mean the gifts that we have inherited, our DNA that is allowing us to receive information and process information within our physical body.
YES, our truth IS our feelings.
Trust exists independently from what is going on in the external.
Truth is subsisting. It is us.
Yes, I am saying: “TRUST! NO MATTER WHAT!”
Trust – whatever feeling arises.
Trust – no matter which decision is “the right” decision.
Trust – in your sadness, in your despair, in your anger, even – in your addiction or let’s say in “your awareness of your addiction”.
TRANSFORM IT BY BEING IT. LIVE THROUGH IT. This is how you overcome it.
It is so simple that I would like to scream it from the top of my lungs.
I invite trust.
I invite you to purge all of your emotions, to go all in, to feel it all and move on. You will see the next step. Help will appear out of nowhere.
You are never alone.
Drop the rope.
There is nothing to control.
When every day is groundbreaking, what’s next?
And all of a sudden, there it is again.
The life vibrating through my veins.
The eternal force bringing me back home.
Creation itself is filling my lungs.
I am breathing clarity.
Inspiration is flooding my heart.
Ideas are sprouting like leaflets.
Compassion is unleashing my chest.
Haaaaaaaaaa……. There she is again. My friend, freedom.
I wasn’t planning on writing an “end of the year”-post. (I was planning on writing a whole bunch of other stuff of course – as always:)
But there is some plain truth revealing itself to me over and over again in the recent days.
It is this crystal clear clarity – the clarity of a freezing cold, sunny winter morning:
Healing occurs – but “the work” doesn’t end.
Awareness opens up new doors. It brings forth new realms, new lessons to discover…
The lesson is not the learning. It is never the learning.
The lesson is the experience.
This year ends as it began – with a bucket full of wisdom.
My main observations of 2021 that hopefully serve me well in 2022:
- Time passes – if I do anything about it or not.
- I get wiser – if I want it or not. 😉
- Everything changes – if I want it or not. When I said “I am the change” at the beginning of this year, it was true because I am “the whole ocean in one drop” (Rumi), but still there is a whole other ocean out there…. (With other words: The whole ocean is still vast and unknown.)
- NOTHING is like it seems! I wish everybody would understand this….
- And (surprise, surprise): I can’t predict the future – neither can I control the outcome.
What can I do?
I can embrace the human experience (my newest discovery).
I can give birth to every moment, to my own creation, to connection, to myself (the old and the new)….
I can meet my intuition halfway – in stillness. And the stillness is not to be found anywhere else but “within myself”.
This is all nothing new. I wrote about all this from day one of this writing experiment called “growthbuddy”.
And still: This is what fills me with joy. Writing this down here lets my heart sigh, so I will keep going. And this time one thing is for sure: I CAN’T WAIT!!
I am beyond excited to greet 2022. Also I am beyond excited – and honored – to finish this year with a little bit more peace and acceptance within myself. And hey: This is more than I could have ever asked for.
Thank you life for always meeting me where I am at 😉
Change is here. Change is now. By now most of us seem to agree on this: Change is inevitable.
But how do we proceed on our journey?
The fear of change is creating a huge shadow overcasting the sky of opportunity.
It is our turn to step up and step right into this fog. Now is the time to shine, fellow lightworkers. Don’t be scared of this huge wall of darkness in front of you. It is only energy and you are able to transform it.
Give in and surrender to your feelings. This is how you let the wall dissolve. This is collective shadow work. Allow your cells to transmute.
Open up. Loose grip. Bow down. Give in, soul.
Devote yourself to the truth.
Melt into the moment. Accept the challenge that is being presented right in front of you.
Look through the veil. Open yourself up and step into reality.
Solve the problems that you are facing with the means that you have instead of blaming, blaming, blaming… the circumstances or everyone else who appears to be incapable of solving your problems, because they are your problems and not theirs.
You have the power to solve those problems if you are willing to see the resources you are given.
What are you fighting for? And what are you revolting?
Let go of your comfort and then let go of your discomfort. As simple as that.
“The great surrendering” is here. We have the chance to come back to our senses.
Confusion leads to expansion if we let it.
Chaos is the motor of our progress.
Challenge is the driving force of the evolution of consciousness.
Fear is our magical tool.
Fear vanishes the ego. Let it in.
Fear forces us to dive into the unknown.
The ego can’t persist and it will succumb to unity.
This is our unique opportunity to come back to life.