The Power Of Curiosity

My next post was supposed to be something else, but I feel the urge to get this message across before it vanishes in the flood of my notes.

When I drafted my first thoughts on the power of curiosity I didn’t expect that it would be such a chunk of wisdom – so simple but yet so fundamental.

The power of curiosity literally blows my mind like a hurricane.

Okay, where am I coming from with this post?

There is something I observe among ‘spiritual people’, among my friends as well as strangers I encounter – and also, retrospectively, I can witness it within myself.

A lot of ‘seekers’, ‘soul searchers’, ‘spiritual people’ or let’s say people, who are in the search for their mission, their purpose, their truth – you name it (I guess whoever is reading this can relate to one or another of those words.), are looking for THE path to take, the one answer, the one thing to do, the one discipline or practice that brings them peace or purpose or reveals the secret of happiness…

I used to squeeze myself into boxes. I used to label myself as a digital nomad, ‘alternative’, a hippy, a ‘light worker’, ‘rebellious’, a ‘soul searcher’, a ‘lost soul’, crazy, abnormal, ‘a loner’, a vagabond, a yogi,…

Luckily, life itself smashed those boxes – always.

I had to adapt.

Sometimes I grew out of these boxes like a snake is growing out of its skin.
Sometimes I had to transform within the blink of an eye.
Sometimes it was a tenacious process.

I had to learn to throw the leftovers of these boxes away instead of trying to fix them – even though I was tempted to do so…

Fortunately I was able to witness this world from different angles. This gave me the opportunity to view myself from different perspectives – countless times.

My answer to the question: ‘Who am I?’ changes constantly up to date…

I used to think that this is a bad thing. But right now – especially in ‘these times’ – but already B.C. (before corona) – it was obvious to me that all of the concepts that we erect about ourselves and about the world become a prison.

It’s okay to not know, because nobody knows. And it is okay to trust into the ‘not knowing’….

It seems like we love labels. We love to categorize. It’s easier. I get it. We are human. It is part of our nature to long for a tribe – our tribe.

But do we find it by putting ourselves into boxes?

I doubt it.

We love to put ourselves into boxes more than we love our individuality. But our individuality leads us to authenticity.

And our authentic self attracts the right people and the right action. It is so simple.

There is a quote that came into my mind related to the topic of curiosity:

“Sometimes a tree needs to grow deep roots in order to find the right nutrients.”

Only now I understand it’s significance fully….

A tree doesn’t follow an ideology. A tree does follow the life force. Life energy itself guides its growth.

By being preoccupied we are blocking our growth.

Ignorance won’t bring us any further.

Curiosity will!

There is something to learn from every concept. There is something to learn from every other being on this earth. There is something to learn from every life form!

 

Reversing The What If’s

What if you had the time?
What if you had the answer?
What if you had what it takes?
What if you would allow flow?
What if you’d qualify yourself anew each day?

The universe works in mysterious ways.
Question your thoughts, but never lose trust.

Everything is possible. Everything is possible.

 

The Role Of Mindfulness In The Process Of Self-Discovery Or ‘Be The Change’, But Be Patient

2021 is in full swing – and so am I. At least that’s the theory.

Practically I’ve been crafting THE perfect New Year’s post for the past two weeks – and of course I stressed myself out about it.

As I indicated in ‘outdated’, I want to start afresh this year – with my creative processes and also in my professional life. The year has just begun and I had already been pressuring myself towards ‘a new me’. Guess what? I cracked solemnly with this approach – and disclosed a deep truth: Change is hard.

Transformation is a long and tiring process. It requires determination. It includes the celebration of small wins and the acceptance of continuous losses.

This is what change is: It is the destruction of the old and the creation of the new – all at once. And: It is not a straight line. Inherently ‘change’ is messy.

“Being the change” – This is nothing simple to strive for. It denotes the turning of the tides and the solidity of a rock at the same time.

The other day, on one of my numerous walks during lockdown, I saw a sticker at a gutter that shouted the catchphrase: “Be the change.”

‘I am the change!,’ something inside of me shouted back.

I exhaled and felt a sense of ease when I understood: ‘I am a prototype. I evolve in iterations.’

These days we all are ‘the change’. And this big change doesn’t happen overnight. It is uncomfortable and debilitating at times and it doesn’t smell like incense sticks and essential oils.

These days I remember what this blog is about. This blog is the result of a lot of frustration and the realisation that there is no change possible in this world, if I don’t start changing myself.

“The first step is to become aware of the fog that is in your mind. You must become aware that you are dreaming all the time. Only with awareness do you have the possibility of transforming your dream.”

As Miguel Ruiz induces in ‘The Four Agreements’: I became aware that I am not aware, when I started this blog experiment in 2017.

It dawned me that I’m the creator of everything in my life – all the achievements as well as all the turmoil.

Only gradually I comprehend the depth of the deconditioning process I got myself into:

Most of our life is determined by the subconscious. And most of the time we are unconscious about what our subconscious is doing. That’s why it’s called the subconscious. I’m referring to psychoanalyst Carl Gustav Jung here, who determined the state of the art when it comes to shadow work. He claims: “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”

So, how do we not let the subconscious rule our life? Or let’s say: How do we become conscious of the unconscious?

Yes, we practice mindfulness. (Yay, I got there in the end…)

Even though mindfulness experienced a devaluation due to its inflationary use. In my personal journey of self-discovery it continually increases its significance…

So: “What’s the role of mindfulness in the process of self-discovery?”

I would say mindfulness is the protagonist of this whole play. (In the end it’s a game. Call it karma if you like.)

So, what will happen to your life, if you become more mindful?

1. You Will Arrive Where You Are

Okay, where to begin? Just to make sure we have a common ground to start from: How do I define mindfulness here?

When you research the science of mindfulness, the first thing you are going to come across is the practice of mindfulness meditation or zen meditation.

From a buddhist point of view mindfulness is the essence of meditation: By watching your thoughts pass you will create a gap between you and your thinking. You will eventually learn to differentiate the thought from the thinker. With time you will start to perceive reality in a different, less personal way. Zen master and buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh describes meditation as ‘a serene encounter with reality’.

A german translation for the word mindfulness is ‘Geistesgegenwärtigkeit’. ‘Geist’ is the spirit or the mind. ‘Gegenwärtigkeit’ is the presence. ‘Presence of mind’. What is the presence of mind, if we look at it plainly? It is being aware of what our mind is doing…

There was a time in my life when I couldn’t peel potatoes or wash the dishes without getting an anxiety attack. I was not able to focus on the present moment, because I was so tangled up in my to-do-list. I was so focussed on my achievements that regular household-chores seemed to be a waste of time to me.

There was a huge discrepancy between what I was doing in the physical world and what was going on in my head.

Life became very dissatisfying this way, because I missed it.

Through mindfulness I started to return to the presence. Already meditating for a view minutes a day changed my perception of the world around me drastically.

Especially through long-term-travelling I learnt to look closely at things. By looking closely at my environment, I learnt to look closer at my thoughts, too.

I became mindful. I stopped rushing and I started to enjoy the small things again.

2. You Get To View Yourself From a Different Perspective

‘To be mindful’ means so much more than ‘arriving in the presence’. According to etymonline it can be translated as ‘remembrance’. I like that translation.

When you become mindful, you start to remember – not only how much pleasure it is to walk slow or to prepare fresh food, but over time you will remember who you are deep down inside…

“Know thyself,” is the only way to go in the process of ‘awakening’.

How do you want to ‘know thyself’, if you never take the time to actually look at who you are?

Mindfulness is your tool in becoming aware of yourself: What are you telling yourself each day? How do you treat yourself? Do you use a lot of I shoulds or musts?

From my current perspective on ‘awakening’ it is a constant process of surfacing layer after layer after layer. There is so much to look at:

There is your behaviour.
There is your way of thinking.
There is your environment.
There are the activities you invest your time in, the people you spend time with, what you eat, how you are treating your body and so on and so on…

It sounds simple, but it’s a big step to look at all the aspects of yourself.

3. You Will Identify Triggers And Find A Way To Transform Them

For me it is still a painful and tenacious process to admit that I am the one who creates everything in my life – every success as well as all the chaos. And I don’t mean this in a sense of ‘prompting an order to the universe’.

I create by acting – in one way or another. If I don’t take the time to look at my actions and the roots of my actions I won’t live my own life, but the life controlled by a mind that is hacked by it’s conditioning – determined by reaction rather than intentional deed.

Luckily life offers potential for growth around every corner: Triggers are the signposts towards the land of self-discovery!

These days I get triggered a lot! And every trigger shows me an arena of my life, where I’m not willing or not able to take responsibility for my own life at the moment.

4. You Will Reveal Your True Motives

A quote of buddhist nun Pema Chördrön demonstrates the role of mindfulness in the process of self-discovery: “The most fundamental aggression to ourselves, the most fundamental harm we can do to ourselves, is to remain ignorant by not having the courage and the respect to look at ourselves honestly and gently.”

What do you want? And what do you think you want? How do you spend your time?

The more your start looking at yourself, the more you will ask yourself why you behave a certain way. And this is where the magic of mindfulness starts to unfold.

What drives you, really? What are your true values? Which values do you share with your friends and your family?

We are conditioned to believe in what we see. “To have faith is to believe unconditionally,” writes Don Miguel Ruiz in “The Four Agreements”.

What we see in our own reality is not what we are or what we are capable of. It is a story that either we have created ourselves or that has been told in order to make life a comprehensible experience. The human mind loves context.

It’s good to have context, but expansion can only happen if we create ‘space’ for ourselves. Imagine for a moment you would pursue exactly what you want to achieve in your life. You think you would fail? Have you tried it? I wrote an article on this two years ago

The more mindful you become the more you will realize that the image you have created of yourself is just – yes – an image. You can easily rewrite it, reframe it, recolour it. But first you have to identify which story you are telling yourself.

The more aware you become of your true feelings and your needs the more aware you will automatically become of which beliefs are holding you back.

Slowly you will uncover your motives, recover your faith and ‘reinvent’ your own conditioning. But remember, it happens in iterations. And iterations are NEVER a straight line.


5. You Will Eventually Start Acting

For a long time I wanted to learn another language apart from english. But something inside of me always blocked me from pursuing it. Until I realized that I just have to do it – despite the belief inside of me that I don’t have the capacity to do it.

The reality was that I didn’t even get started, because by default I thought I would fail. By practicing mindfulness I identified my false belief system. I found out that a lack of self-confidence underlies nearly every shortcoming that I perceive. My lack of self-discipline was caused by this lack of self-esteem.

So, how did I eventually start learning Italian? I established a tiny language learning routine. And with the first results my old beliefs started to fade. There was no foundation anymore for my old beliefs, because over time I undoubtedly made progress. When I ordered my first breakfast in Florence in Italian followed by a loose conversation with the waiter I couldn’t deny it anymore: I am able to learn another language! This experience of self-efficacy opened my eyes.

And this is how I’m wishing to approach all challenges throughout 2021 and beyond.


6. You Will Start To Love Yourself More

What I understood throughout the practice of mindfulness is that I have needs that want to be met. The more I understand this, the more I’m starting to value myself and the more I understand what this self-love is everybody talks about (including myself).

More and more I understand that I’m not crazy, but human. ‘A human in denial’ could be a title for my book. (I don’t know where that came up from, but I won’t erase it from this post. Who knows – maybe it’s valuable information.)

It’s a Process

Okay, I realized that this article doesn’t really find an end.
There are SO many aspects to address around mindfulness. What I wanted to get across is that self-development is called self-development for a reason.

There is something to develop. It is already there, but we can’t see it. Like a film reel. We need to soak in various liquids and hang from the ceiling to dry in order to get a full image of who we really are. But be careful not to overexpose. Haha, that’s what I like doing. It results in tears and lengthy blog posts like this one.

As I mentioned at the very beginning: change is hard. This whole awakening process is not a straight line. It’s easier said than done to transform negative thinking patterns. But it is not impossible. I have the suspicion that we reached a point collectively where change is not to be suspended.

To throw in another Thich Nhat Hanh: “If we want to become mindful rather than just knowing about mindfulness, we need to establish our own regular practice.”

It is easy to do things the same way over and over again. It is easy to cling to assumptions about the world and about ourselves, because they allow us to stick to our belief patterns. They are convenient, because they don’t require will-power.

It is an effort to change our belief system, yes. But it is doable with awareness, patience and compassion.

“nobody can save you but
yourself.
you will be put again and again
into nearly impossible
situations.
they will attempt again and again
through subterfuge, guise and
force
to make you submit, quit and/or die quietly
inside.

nobody can save you but
yourself
and it will be easy enough to fail
so very easily
but don’t, don’t, don’t.
just watch them.
listen to them.
do you want to be like that?
a faceless, mindless, heartless
being?
do you want to experience
death before death?

nobody can save you but
yourself
and you’re worth saving.
it’s a war not easily won
but if anything is worth winning then
this is it.

think about it.
think about saving your self.”

Charles Bukowski
 

Outdated

These days I feel ‘outdated’.

I don’t know exactly what I mean by that, but who the hell am I to know what I’m writing about?

I feel like I need an update.

Nope, actually I feel like I need a new harddrive; a super fast ssd with rapid mode if this is a thing…

The past couple of days I was punishing myself for not being productive – nothing new.

I don’t know about you, but I’m so busy preserving my sanity that I barely get things done at the moment.

Before/during christmas I wanted to post at least two more posts. I wanted to start using the writing software scrivener, I wanted to make up my mind about the direction I’m heading professionally next year…

It is a lot right now.

I feel like I’m standing at the intersection of a busy road.

Did I say intersection?

Not quite.

I feel like I’ve just gotten out of a deep forest after a long-distance hike and now I’m trying to cross a busy six-lane-highway….

Nope, I DON’T have all my ducks in a row right now. And my ducks are freaking out!

Plus:

There is a ton of unpublished material.
There are myriads of unprocessed ideas, half-finished articles and creative projects.
There are endless tasks on my numerous to-do-lists and endless things I want to get better at….

Stop!

There is something else beyond all this confusion…

There is this huge potential hidden in every challenge that I’m facing. There is this profound growth concealed in every solution that I find.

There is this deep knowledge inside of me.

I just know that it’s there – even if it’s not accessible to me…

Do I might also need a new graphics card?

There is this heartening trust in spite of all the uncertainty.

Mayyybee, only maybe the challenges of this year pay off?

“You are the only one keeping me sane,” a friend of mine – who admittedly is slightly mad (in the most positive sense) – pointed out to me.

THAT’S funny.

I feel like I’m going insane.

What did he mean?

Well, I have doubts and I have fears.

Throughout this year I learnt that I better be transparent with myself about my fears, my doubts and my pain.

Why? Because otherwise I get nasty. I’m starting to destroy things, because I’m blaming them for making my life not working.

But in the end it’s just a small adjustment that my soul is calling upon? Maybe I just need to refurbish my toolbox?

I better check for software updates before the end of the year…

All these lessons want to be integrated.

Maybe sometimes a reboot is the only option?

 

How To Thrive In Times of Crisis?

I believe in miracles.

This year the universe conspired to an extent that I can’t simply call luck.

These days I’m blown away by the twists and turns that have occurred on my path.

My devotion to my personal journey is greater than ever.

My desire ‘to create’ is thrilling with a swooshing sound. There is this irrevocable force within myself that wants to express.

I don’t have the capacity anymore to carry out these patterns of self-doubt and hesitation.

I can see clearly now where my ‘shadow work’ of the past seven years had led me. (Nope, when I visited my first therapy session with a psychologist in 2013 I was not familiar with the term ‘shadow work’. But at this point I also didn’t know that I would actually find the answers in the corners where I want to search the least.)

Today I can see clearly in which areas I’m in need of support. I can see clearly in which areas of my life I have grown. I can see clearly where others could use my support.

It’s a process.

I can see clearly now that I have purpose.

This year was by far the most challenging year of my entire life. My mom got diagnosed with cancer. A relationship (I thought I was in) fell apart. This pandemic forced me to return home and explore my roots – radically.

I’m still searching for the words to describe what this journey looked like. As I’m aiming to finish this article (and eventually share some useful content) I won’t dive deep into it at this point.

I might have lost track for a while, but I have never lost hope. That’s what got me where I am now. Where am I? In a position that gives me the confidence to publish this here. And this already makes me proud of myself – for the very first time in a long time.

So. It is a pretty tough time for most of us. I’m speaking about ‘crisis’ from a existential point of view, but maybe you find some take-aways.

This is supposed to be a threesome;), but bullet point four is so important – I couldn’t leave it out.

1. Stick to Routines

…and if you can’t: Don’t be hard on yourself! Allow yourself some rest. Take a nap if you can or go for a little walk and just allow yourself a couple of minutes to breathe…

Take a step back and see, if there is anything else you can improve? And then find a different routine that might suit you better in your current situation. What do I mean by that? For example if you are suffering from a trauma it is very likely that you suffer from a temporary biochemical imbalance within your body. There is no point in trying to develop a rigorous productivity habit, while your body is in fight-flight-freeze mode.

The best thing you can do is attempting a routine that supports your physical body for example drinking enough water or meditating for five minutes in the morning or doing some stretching. Even the smallest goal will support you on your healing journey. How? Because you set an intention. And by setting an intention you are signaling to your subconscious that it is time for change.

2. Be Honest With Yourself

“You can’t change anything in a state of denial!” I don’t remember where I’ve heard this statement. Probably it was by Jeremy Goldberg from longdistancelovebombs. This is spot on and so my experience. The whole scope of ‘seeing things clear’ dawns me more and more every single day.

Acknowledge the crisis for what it is. No matter what you go through – is it a serious disease or a divorce. Be clear about the situation you are in and the challenges your are facing – even if you have to start your life from scratch. Sometimes you are being forces into change. Every new beginning also inherits a lot of opportunity to start things anew.

NO MATTER what you are suffering from – by being transparent with yourself about the blockages you are facing you are moving closer towards your healing. No matter how painful this process might be. If you leave out the ‘nitty-gritty’, you will never proceed in your personal development! The good news is: The moment you start seeing things clear, is the moment when your life takes momentum again… Which leads me to my next point:

3. Think Positive

Even in the darkest hour of your life you can choose. You can choose empowering thoughts. Or you can choose disempowering thoughts. Hal Elrod demonstrates strikingly where positive thinking can lead you. He suffered from more than one major strokes of fate and always recovered with sheer willpower.

These days it is sometimes hard to distinguish which thoughts belong to you and which to somebody else. In these times it is even more crucial to direct your thinking towards thoughts that serve you and that don’t drain your energy.

It is a bit tricky: On the one hand you are called to name your fears but on the other hand it is crucial to focus on ‘productive’ thoughts. When you find yourself in a crisis where you are not able to change anything in the external, there is one thing that you can change for sure: Your way of thinking.

4. Ask for Help

Big one – this is massive. I’m exploding of gratitude, because I am able to share this one with confidence now. ‘Asking for help’ was probably one of my major challenges this year.

“You will need help!” – Last year in November I met a shaman at the esoteric fair in Munich. He predicted the upcoming challenges on my path. “Me? Help? But I’m doing it all by myself! How can I receive help?,” my Aries-me responded panically with the outlook of asking for help.

The moment was there. One ‘tower-moment’ after another ripped my illusions about life apart. I had to re-gather myself. I couldn’t have done it by myself.

I asked for help. Who? Coaches, friends, family members, random strangers, doctors…. It changed everything – seriously.

Only now writing this down, I realize that this is material for another article. I can’t emphasize it enough: ASK FOR FREAKIN’ HELP! You will be surprised what the universe does.

 

Powerstruggles

“Growth is uncomfortable. Don’t run, it will only follow you. Don’t hide, it will only scare you. Sit. Breathe. Feel the fibers of your being tear apart so that the light may shine through. Dare to grow so that you can experience a new world.” 

This quote by @doveism on instagram made me pause. I remembered what I’m here for. I’m here to move ahead – and not along.  

Nope, growth is everything but comfortable. And it doesn’t get any easier. Actually it even gets harder, because the path of truth becomes more narrow the further you go…

Recently I have been hiding. But I didn’t really want to face the fact that I’m hiding.

Since months I’m elaborating my ‘running patterns’. I figured out that I used to run from relationships, from responsibility, from accountability… all this serious stuff.

This morning I took a bath. And while I was soaking in the lukewarm water in a meditative state it came crashing down on me: The thing I’m hiding from (and in this sense running away from) is my own strength. Instead of my willpower I’m still applying some sort of self-pity when it comes to making tough decisions.

I reached a point in my life where I have to make a decision. Do I want to tap into my power, yes or no? Do I want to work in the name of my own values? Do I want to fight the good fight for good? Or do I want to keep talking about it? 

‘I don’t know if I can do it’ – How many times did I doubt my abilities? How many times did I thought ‘This time I reached a dead end.’; ‘This time I’ve gone too far’, ‘This time I’ve lost it.’ (Well, what is there to lose anyway?) How many times did I nearly drop this whole self-development thing and chose the trodden path? 

And how many times did I expand in the end? How many times did I grow above me?

‘Dare to grow’ – Thanks Dove for the reminder to be courageous.

The time is now. Come on, universe, tear those fibers apart!

 

‘Do-Nothing-Challenge’ – Looong Update After Two Weeks

“You don’t have time to meditate for ten minutes a day? Then do it for one hour..” This became my philosophy – at least for the past two weeks…

Two weeks ago – in a casual moment of ‘overwhelm’ – I decided to gift myself one hour of silence a day.

I’m fourteen days into the ‘do-nothing-challenge’ – it is harder than I expected (of course, haha), but more than necessary.

I have to admit – I skipped one day. On Friday last week I had some drinks with my colleagues and afterwards I went straight to bed. 

But I decided to not be too hard on myself…

On many days I had problems arriving within myself. 

I was so caught up in daily tasks and the high demands I still have on my personal development. 

A lot of days I would sit down impatiently, waiting for the time to pass – desperately looking for connection with my true self. 

I would have problems even concentrating for one minute. Instead I would ask myself if I would ever come back to myself?

Slowly a sensation inside of me awoke. I could spot my own resistance. The harder I try to focus the less I’m allowing my body and my mind to rest. 

The challenge evolves – day after day…

Quickly I realized that it doesn’t make sense to make this challenge about focus or ‘achieving’ connection. It is impossible to ‘achieve’ connection – I rather ‘allow’ it. I only have to allow myself to ‘be’….

Instead of following a specific meditation technique, I’ve decided to allow myself to go wherever I want to go – at this point in time…. 

What can I do towards my own healing? What is my soul calling upon? What does my body need? 

These are questions that come up.frequently  to come – not necessarily to my mind, but to my senses..

Sometimes my body feels so tired that I have to lay down for my meditation. Sometimes I’m staring at a candle for one hour. Sometimes I’m falling asleep. Sometimes I clean myself with the violet flame. Sometimes I pray for my soul tribe. Sometimes I pray for the whole world. 

Two days ago for example I was meditating with my favourite stone to help me clear my thinking: the fluorit. Also I’ve started to work with energy healing tools like the “tibetian eight”. 

More and more I’m listening to the demands of my body instead of following a strict routine. 

I am very flexible with the way I’m spending this hour. Sometimes I’m sitting on a pillow, on a carpet or on my yoga mat. Some days I’m laying in my bed, other days I’m laying on the ground. Last Tuesday I joined a sound bowl meditation at an urban salt cave here in Munich. The frequencies helped me to destress my nervous system…

The only conditions that I have upon this challenge is that I’m not allowed to ‘tense up’. If I catch myself clinging to worries and negative self-beliefes I’m directing my attention towards source or my sacral or solar plexus chakra. And if necessary I’m manipulating my parasympathikus by deep breathing or breathing exercises like square breathing. 

Slowly I’m developing my very individual tools to arrive in the present moment. And this is kind of my first learning.

I’m Not a Victim of My Thinking

In this hour – and possibly in every moment of my life – I can choose. I can choose if I want to consciously be aware of my reality. Or I can choose to drift away. I can choose to fall for destructive patterns over and over again or I can choose to heal. I can choose to think positive and move towards the light. I can choose expansion – or contraction. It is totally up to me. 

If I don’t want to become a victim of them I HAVE to choose my thoughts. There is a sentence roaming around in my head since I’ve started this job at the reception of a very busy and – let’s call it ‘socially challenging’ hostel: “Stress you didn’t have, you didn’t have”. 

I can totally choose how I react in any given situation. And by reacting I’m not only talking about physical action, but also my mental response to it. I caught myself worrying over and over again. What will the future bring? Is it a good idea to jump into a relationship with somebody I just met? Would I rather leave and travel? Is there any way to travel again? Was it a good idea to start that job?

What lies underneath this chronic worrying is joy. The joy of being alive. And this is what the ‘do-nothing-challenge’ reminds me of…

On Saturday – day ten of my challenge I had kind of a breakthrough. It was one of my ‘days of clarity’ – what I like to call them. On these days I can identify clearly how my thoughts project my version of reality on a situation or on the way I view myself… Crystal clear I can differentiate – between my perspective and what a situation looks like from a different point of view…

I had this deep sensation of ‘arrival’ within my body. It felt like I’m arriving in my lower body: My legs, my sexual organs, my hips and my lower abdominals – everything filled up with life like a sponge which was dry for a very very long time.

I am Allowed to Surrender

These learnings go hand in hand… I came to the conclusion that I’m the only one who is building walls with my resistance. I’m capable of  holding on to energies and I’m capable of letting them go. It is within my power to do that. I can choose if I want to cling or if I want to – yeah, right – LET GO.. 

I am Not my Perfectionism

“Do I want to destroy this situation? Yes or no?” – How many times did I impose my own perfectionism on others? And how many times did I destroy a situation only by inflicting overly high expectations on myself? This is a thought that rattles me for quite a while now. I found out that my ‘perfectionism’ is part of my astrological birth chart. How do I exteriorize my perfectionism? I’m trying to be ‘the perfect human’ in any given situation and I barely allow myself mistakes. And this is what is kind of holding me back from attaining close friendships. 

What do I mean by that? The measurements I’m putting on myself are threatening to others. Subconsciously friends might think I won’t accept them if they don’t meet the standards I put on myself. I had no idea how destructive my perfectionism could be. 

I found out that I won’t ruin this challenge if I apply loose regulations. That’s why it is called the ‘do-nothing-challenge’. I am allowed to do nothing (once in a while;). 

I Can Let go of Heavy Energies

There is this belief still dominating my mind (and also the mind of many others): The belief that empathetic people are weak. 

For a couple of years now I’m studying a system called human design. So far I haven’t talked about it at all on this blog. According to this system humanity is divided into five different energy types: manifestors, generators, manifesting generators, projectors and reflectors. So far I haven’t talked about it on my blog, but most of my friends know that I’m studying those energy types quite thoroughly.

Each of them has a different way of obtaining energies and of householding with energies. I’m a projector – one of the so called ‘non-energy-types’. 

I’m a person who is very open for energies of other individuals and groups. Many of the so called projectors can be considered as ’empaths’.

For a long time I thought empathetic people are a victim to negative energies. But in reality it is quite the opposite. Through my meditation challenge I’m learning that I can release all these energies. I don’t have to hold on to energies that don’t serve me…

Wow…

It is quite a process that I have initiated with this challenge. I am beyond excited to continue my journey. 

I will stop making empty promises in my blog posts. I will probably post some more within the next two weeks…

I love you all!

 

Soul Retrieval

Hi Soul,
welcome back. Take some space. Make yourself comfortable. This body is your home. I’m sorry for neglecting you for that long. I was busy doing life. I appreciate your perseverance. From now on I’m coming back to existing – in close communion with you.

Sincerely yours,
Mind

 

The Battlefield Is In Your Head Vol. 1 – and The “Do-Nothing-Challenge”

‘I feel raw like a carpaccio,’ I am contemplating the current state of my being.

Raw and juicy. Mmmhhh…

My current life situation provides a learning curve with a steepness I didn’t quite expect for the rest of this year.

I had no idea what kind of surprises the universe would hold in stock for me after experiencing a so-called ‘dark night of the soul’, which lasted for about five months.

After working a couple of night shifts in a row I am sitting in front of my computer. I’m catching myself ‘waiting for inspiration’ – whereas my body is screaming for rest.

What do I expect of my neurons? I should lay down and sleep, but of course I’m trying to finish an article I had been working on for way too long (as my inner judge proclaims). In the back of my head I’m beating myself up for not doing (more) yoga or practicing a foreign language.

Jep. My internal organs are contracting. A heavy weight around my ribcage is limiting the capacity of my lungs…

I know this feeling very well. My perfectionism is pinching. Anxiety drains my energy system.

“This is a potent time to be with…,” the words of Kendra Adachi, who assisted me in arriving in the present moment over and over again for the past couple of months, are flashing through my head.

She is right.

I am working a full-time job at a low-budget hostel after living a nomad life for the past couple of years. I’ve started a relationship with a man who massages my feet every day (and who I’ve known only for two months). Me and my vagabond soul are practicing ourselves in ‘settling down’… more or less voluntarily. (I still owe you a longer story of what had happened in the past eight months. As some of you might know – I’ve travelled to India and then I fell apart.)

I discover my own boundaries and I’m learning to set them where I still need to set them. I’m learning to receive. I’m learning to ‘not run away’. To make it short: I’m confronted with regular life in times of a global pandemic. Yay – great fun!

It’s a time of adaptation. More than ever before I can feel it – an old phase had ended and something new began. Where this new period of time will lead? I have no clue… But do I have to know the destination?

2020 has been profoundly challenging – for a lot, if not all of us…

I did my homework during lockdown and quarantine phases (partly self-imposed). I dove deep into the darkest corners of the blackness of my personality. I reconnected with my soul in the darkness. My physical body is still sympathizing with old patterns.

There is A LOT to integrate.

And I better take my time to do it – if I don’t want to scare the people away who are trying to love me (for a change).

Still it amazes me how accurately aligned this global crisis is with the personal crisis I’m going through…

‘Who do you think you are? Some sort of hyper-human?,’ I’m questioning myself…

Well, honestly, I do think I’m some sort of a transmutation or at least I consider my life as a research project – as you might have noticed.

Haha, it sounds like the same story as usual… but it is not quite…

I’ve asked for help and I received it – in ways I have never expected. I’ve met the most inspiring and courageous souls that showed me my own strength and my own endurance.

The darkness became my friend in the end and finally it is my turn to actually apply the tools I had been gathering since I’ve started my journey in 2013 (or was it 2015? or 2017? :D)

‘Surrender or die’ – This is the short version of what I had learnt from my ‘dark night of the soul’. Dark night of the soul? Sounds more hip than just calling it a ‘depression’ or a ‘depressive phase’, right?!

I’m not even being pathetic here. It just wouldn’t be fair to call it a ‘depression’, because I was not depressed in the sense of ‘I couldn’t do anything’. I just lost track for a little while and remained paralyzed in a state of fear. I think that’s called trauma. That’s a difference. Argh, I didn’t mean to sound ironic here. It was really not fun. BUT… I FREAKIN’ DID IT!!! I SURVIVED AND I LEARNT A TON!!!

Anyway, probably I will dive into that further along the way… 😉

The challenge is to surrender. Surrender to the currents of life and trust that my life jacket will rescue me.

And how do I surrender? By doing nothing… First I wanted to call the challenge the ‘What-do-I-want-challenge”. This sounded too proactive and too ‘awwe, she is still searching’. Then I wanted to call it “Mindfulness-Challenge”, but come on?! “Do-Nothing-Challenge” sounds a bit more polarizing…

Another challenge? Well, the task is actually to destress myself. I want to give myself time to adjust…

I had attempted this challenge several times already. The task is to meditate for one hour a day for 30 days in a row…. And see what happens… I’m four days into this challenge and I’m already gathering some learning. By the end of the week I will give you an update.

 

About Words

Why I write?

My words are my light. My words are my darkness. My words are my journey. My words are my destination. My words are my home.

They are nothing I ‘make up’.

I don’t do words.

Writing is not my skill, it is my trait.

My words are the process. They are my tools and my material at the same time.

Words set the stage and they perform. They are able to build and to dissolve. Words are the story and the narrator – all at once.

My words are like stray dogs. I let them run free and this is how they thrive. I don’t restrict them. I treat them with care. They have a place in my heart and this is why they always come back to me.

If I put them on a leash they get cranky. If I overindulge them they spoil.

Words – I use them as they use me. I become them. I am transcending through my words as they transcend through me.

My words are my thoughts but they are also my brain.

My words are my ascension partners. My words are my closest friends or my worst enemies. It depends. (And no, this is not a matter of perspective and this is okay….)

I can’t say ‘I want my trust back!’ I can’t say ‘I have to trust’. I can ‘just’ trust.

If I allow my words to be, they unfold. This is writing. It is a subconscious outlet of my expansion. They are nothing but a valve – but just as crucial as a pipeline for delivering drinking water.

What are they delivering? Words are the messenger but also the freight.

Words are zen. Words are the tao.

Words are everything if you let them. Words are nothing if you take them too seriously.

Take them too accurate and they will become your prison.

Let them go wild and they will become your shelter.

The other day there was high water at Isar after three days of heavy rain.

There is a swimming spot I had been visiting regularly during this summer season. It was kind of an island amidst my favourite river here in Munich.

The flood water rearranged the whole river bed. All the algea were washed away.

No stone was left unturned.

The currents had changed. A wooden stamp had built a little whirl pool in the very center of the river bed.

Everything was renewed and refreshed. It felt like a restart.

And this is what words do if you let them flow. They rearrange themselves. They become more powerful. They clear themselves. They settle.

This is the really f***ing difficult part of writing. Your mind wants to control. It wants to know the end of the sentence before you even start typing.

It wants to outline the whole book instead of creating the first chapter.

True beauty, the real raw beauty lies in imperfection.

Did you ever consider a tree as imperfect? Did you ever think ‘This tree really looks like shit here.’?

If yes, I’m sorry. I’m praying for you.

Your soul understands.

A tree is a tree.

It grows out of the elements.

It is the elements. It is creation. It arises out of destruction. It sprouts from the mud.

And so does your creation.

Creation demands freedom.

So, don’t do it perfectly.

Just do it.

Do it with your heart. Do it with trust. Lean into it fully.

Own it – and then let it go.

Give it away. If you cling to it, it will restrict you.

This is how you become a slave to your perfectionism.

But you know what?

Don’t beat yourself up for your poisonous perfectionism. It will make it worse.

Move to your rhythm. But move.

Don’t stay still. Don’t be paralyzed in the face of your perfectionism.

Smile at it. Be perfect in the now, but don’t try to live up to it.

This is how you integrate it. Accept and take action.

Instead of making a perfect plan, do the next step.

Put your faith into action. Don’t make ‘being perfect’ your goal, but make it your approach.

This all sounds paradoxical.

Let it be what it is and jump right in.

My words are exploring darkness.
My words are cutting and piercing through – until the truth leaks out.
This is how I enter the light.