I want to embrace every single moment. Merge with the beauty of Now. Return from the realm of phantasy. Among all the ways I wish to find the way home. Share my wisdom in silence. Lay down my arms. Demolish all resistance. I want to find the way back with grace – in devotion to life. Tap into beauty wherever I go.
I give and I take with all my being. I open up to possibility here and now. I am. I arrive. I offer my full heart to the moment. I bow to you life. I connect to source from the core of my being. I launch the channel. I receive with every cell of my body.
Follow your desire. Follow your destiny. These thoughts entered my mind a couple of days ago…
Your Desire is Your Destiny.
There is a thing about “knowing what I want” that I always underestimated.
Recently I had been studying the hermetic teachings deeply – if there is such thing as studying hermetic teachings.
I did not grasp the power of “mentalism” through the lecture itself, but by connecting the dots of my own life experience.
We can read as much as we want and still be reluctant to the fundamental truths that direct our life.
So: There is a thing about “knowing what I want” – a thing I would call magic:
The secret is not knowing what I want. The secret is acting upon it. Step by step by step….
What is action? In a few words: It is guided energy.
I can know everything, still my life won’t change.
I can understand all the rules of the universe and not change a thing in my life… if I don’t make a move.
Learning more about energy, I am understanding more and more that I am the one directing my life by directing the energy that I use with every single step that I take.
I can always ask myself: What makes me take that action? Do I really want this?!
It is shocking, but I ALWAYS have a choice.
This is nothing really new…
”Your thoughts create your reality”
I’ve been working with this universal truth for quite some time. Nevertheless only now I grasp the full scope of it.
I’ve experienced it first hand by manifesting things I wanted and things I clearly did not want in my life. In any case my actions directed the energy in a certain way that manifested this reality.
“The part of you that loves you the most creates the roadblocks that you are facing to make you build something out of it,” Gabor Maté placed this beautiful reminder on my path.
This quote helped me to forgive myself for all the supposedly detours that I took. Everything we do in our lives serves us in one way or another to fulfill a certain need. When we are traumatized we might hold on to any straw, but hell yeah, we survived!
The task is to figure out what these needs truely are and respond to them in a healthy or constructive way.
I am always directing my life. I am making decisions.
“What’s harder? Accepting that you are happy and blessed or resonating with your trauma?”
This is a question that found its way into my notes at some point in 2021.
All of a sudden there was light at the end of the tunnel – after a dark period of loss and despair (Let’s call it “the year 2020”). I had a new job in sight and a relationship I was in (and still am) turned out to be a safe haven for…my chaos, my love and my growth….
Unwittingly I had arrived in a place where I am ‘allowed’ to flourish – in all shapes and colors.
“Yesterday it rained and today the sun is shining. One has to deal with that.”
The quote describes accurately the situation that I had found myself in last year. Even though things got significantly better, the self-doubt was lurking and fight-flight-freeze often the only response to stressful experiences.
The thing is: We humans tend to resonate with trauma and with worry more than we resonate with happiness.
It is incredibly hard to resonate with happiness if we have re-created and cultivated trauma-responses in our lives early on.
For example: If we are programmed to disregard our own needs or goals in order to protect or impress a parent and/or to harmonize the relationship dynamics within our family, most likely we will carry out self-destructive behaviours in our adult life. We might neglect our personal goals or our health.
Until we learn to prioritize ourselves…
How Far Did I Get With Displaying The Same Behaviours?
We all have developed mechanisms that help us to be accepted within our tribe, but there is a possibility that we have buried parts of ourselves and a whole lot of potential beyond these survival tactics.
There are Psychologists like Gabor Maté or Neuroscientist Bessel van der Kolk who devoted their work to understanding the dynamics of trauma. And how we can train our brains to move “through” the trauma.
I’m taking a short-cut here: What trauma research has shown is that trauma affects our brain physically and as a result it changes our behaviour.
The great thing about that: We are able to transform our coping-mechanisms to some degree – thanks to neuroplasticity.
And I experienced it first hand – basically by starting this blog (which still astonishes me!!!).
At some point I asked myself:
How far did I get with displaying the same behaviours over and over again?
Not that far – so why not try something else? The opposite, for example!
And this brings me to the first insight that helped me to change my relationship with self-sabotage:
1. Belief What Other People Are Telling You About Yourself
About two years ago I was in a state where I had no choice anymore. I had to ask for help.
The global crisis was incredibly aligned with my personal crisis: I reached rock bottom when the pandemic forced me to “go home”. Apart from travel life my whole idea about romantic love got smashed and my mom got cancer. I had no idea what to do next.
I knew one thing: I couldn’t trust myself, because I had been misleading myself very far off from my core… I did not know where I begin and where I end – boundaries still appeared to be a foreign concept to me.
How did this happen? Apparently I was constantly re-traumatizing myself! The more I learnt about trauma-responses, the subconscious and the biochemical processes in my body, the more I understood in which way I had created my own reality:
How do we create reality? We filter, segment and value the information that we receive – partly subconsciously.
I thought negatively about myself, because I never really learnt to prioritize my own needs. I always functioned as some sort of “emotional buffer”. Within my family and in friendships often times I found myself in the role of a rescuer – or mediator (best case scenario).
So, what did this do to my thinking? I filtered mainly the negative information out of every situation and every conversation that proved my self-image to be right. Subconsciously I programmed myself into thinking: “I am not worthy.”
This way my lack of self-confidence became a self-fulfilling prophecy… UNTIL: I had to ask for help, because I felt mentally and physically unprepared to deal with the changes that presented themselves in my life.
Slowly I opened up to coaches and therapists. I talked to my friends and other people who helped me to recover my own resources:
my determination towards growth
my willingnesss to learn
my “spiritual tools” like yoga and meditation
my love for nature
and last but not least: My ability to relate to others and my compassion for all beings (connection to the planet).
Finally I experienced a sense of self-worth.
It dawned on me: What if I trusted? What if I’d believe in the positive things people are seeing in me or telling me about myself? (Much, much earlier in my journey I had started to cultivate a diary of compliments, which helped me to collect positive things about myself. Maybe I should start this again.)
2. Make a Different Choice – NOW
I had nothing to lose.
Looking back this sensation gave me a never felt freedom amidst a personal crisis. A freedom that gave me an opportunity to choose a different direction and at the end a whole other way of being!
Today, I made the choice:
“I’m going to press the publishing button – no matter what.”
This is what I owe myself – a commitment to my own writing journey, my own growth (even if it hurts).
And this is also what I did in the darkest moments of my life: I made the choice to think positive. To trust into the universe.
Sometimes we need to make a different choice – just for the sake of it!
Just for the sake of “trying something new”. As simple as that.
In my experience this is the way to go in order to live a different life.
Sometimes any action is better than no action – in order to get out of deep discomfort, the writer’s-block or in order to change anything in life…
It can be the tiniest step, but it will be a step in a new direction – towards a new life!
3. Appreciate Your Gifts
Retrospectively my willingness to open up to possibility led me onto the path of becoming a professional coach! (I will share more about that “right on time”.;) How? I had asked for feedback. I received feedback that helped me to start valueing my abilities. And now I am starting to implement the changes into my life.
All of a sudden my brain created the following questions: What if I had something to share? What if other people could benefit from my life experience? What if I’d drop the self-sabotage-agenda?
I wasn’t planning on writing an “end of the year”-post. (I was planning on writing a whole bunch of other stuff of course – as always:)
But there is some plain truth revealing itself to me over and over again in the recent days.
It is this crystal clear clarity – the clarity of a freezing cold, sunny winter morning:
Healing occurs – but “the work” doesn’t end. Awareness opens up new doors. It brings forth new realms, new lessons to discover…
The lesson is not the learning. It is never the learning. The lesson is the experience.
This year ends as it began – with a bucket full of wisdom.
My main observations of 2021 that hopefully serve me well in 2022:
Time passes – if I do anything about it or not.
I get wiser – if I want it or not. 😉
Everything changes – if I want it or not. When I said “I am the change” at the beginning of this year, it was true because I am “the whole ocean in one drop” (Rumi), but still there is a whole other ocean out there…. (With other words: The whole ocean is still vast and unknown.)
NOTHING is like it seems! I wish everybody would understand this….
And (surprise, surprise): I can’t predict the future – neither can I control the outcome.
What can I do?
I can embrace the human experience (my newest discovery).
I can give birth to every moment, to my own creation, to connection, to myself (the old and the new)….
I can meet my intuition halfway – in stillness. And the stillness is not to be found anywhere else but “within myself”.
This is all nothing new. I wrote about all this from day one of this writing experiment called “growthbuddy”.
And still: This is what fills me with joy. Writing this down here lets my heart sigh, so I will keep going. And this time one thing is for sure: I CAN’T WAIT!!
I am beyond excited to greet 2022. Also I am beyond excited – and honored – to finish this year with a little bit more peace and acceptance within myself. And hey: This is more than I could have ever asked for.
Thank you life for always meeting me where I am at 😉