“What’s missing?”

This question had been nesting in my subconscious mind for the past couple of days (or even weeks).

What kept my head in the clouds?

Why was I unable to make a decision?

A subtle fear of the fear kept creeping in…

Desperately I was pushing myself.

Towards clarity.
Towards an answer.
Towards release.

I found myself trying to figure it all out.

Two days ago, spontaneously, I went to a writing meet-up.

During this meet-up called “Shut Up & Write” we dedicate one hour to focussed writing.

In the introduction round I was all fired-up. For the first time in a while I felt super excited about writing my heart out: “I will finally give it ago and do some stream of consciousness today.” I announced with a solar smile. I felt the urge to just hit the keyboard and go for it…

When the timer started, I was not able to finish even one sentence.

From one moment to the other I tensed up and could barely type a thing.

I started to reorganize some past writing – and I tensed up even more.

“What’s the point of all of that?”

The casual question for purpose made me close my laptop.

The next morning I had a conversation with my boyfriend. I was ruminating about career decisions and life in general.

He said: “While you think all these thoughts, watch your breath.”

“I am not breathing at all,” I countered with a trace of outrage.

“Right, if you look that closely at every moment you don’t have time to breathe – and you don’t experience the moment either. Just let it flow.”

He left me in awe.

Open-mouthedly I starred at the wall.

All of a sudden I understood what was missing the day before – at the writing meet-up… And all these previous days when I felt trapped in my own head – waiting for release that never comes.

FLOW.

The flow of breathe – not despite but united with my thoughts.

I took a breath and finally surrendered to the moment….