There are a few things I understood recently about the universe and myself. But in order not to confuse you too much, I have to start somewhere else..
Part One – Stories of My life
I sent my last post to a friend and he told me with other words, that I seem like an over-optimizer, who is getting lost in too much input.
Well, that blew my mind. I couldn’t believe that he doesn’t see that I’m “on the right track”. I was so sure that my approach is the right one. I thought I just have to tick off the list of self-improving advice and than I can handle my everyday life much more effectively and satisfying.
Unknowingly in the same chat this friend pointed out something really important to me: “Everything will turn out fine by itself. Just stop worrying about it” (Sideinfo: He is more the rational type of guy. He is probably not even the adressee of this blog.)
Don’t get me wrong – I still believe that positive affirmations are a good thing and that fear-setting is a good idea and I’m sure I will dig in deeper in these topics. But I won’t force it.
The funny thing is, that I always know what to do, but I don’t understand what NOT to do. Because there is exactly NOTHING I HAVE to do in order to become a better human being (whatever that means).
Well, there is another incident I want to showcase in this article:
The last weeks I met a lot of people I could connect with. I have to tell you one story of my daily life:
I had a video shooting at a trade fair near Munich and it was a few tough days of work. After finishing this job I was exhausted and a bit depressed, because these kinds of jobs sometimes eat too much of my energy.
Well, I was not in the best place on that day. But for some reason I decided to go to one of the second hand shops in Munich and buy a Dirndl, a traditional bavarian dress. (In this context it is important to know, that I always rejected Dirndls, because I just couldn’t relate to them.) Well, all of a sudden I felt the desire to honour Munich in this way or something like that.
Anyway, the main information is, that I was very very happy after buying this Dirndl, haha. Than I walked down Bayerstraße, a very busy street in Munich these days during Oktoberfest. It didn’t bother me, because there is this vietnamese Restaurant I wanted to try in a while. (Since a few weeks I consider Curry as my “soulfood”;)
I stepped in – still stoked about the purchase of my beautiful dress. Right at the doorstep I bumped into two guys I knew. They greated me with “I know you”. Surprise, surprise, I thought to myself. “Did we meet here?”, Iskender was talking about the restaurant. From the first sight I knew exactly where I met them: “No, we practiced AcrobaticYoga together”, I answered.
My next impulse lead me to a separate table – clutter voice in my head said “What ever… just some of these people…” But another voice from deep inside of me said louder: “You can really relate to these guys” In this moment Iskender waved me over to sit on the table and eat with them.
I ordered this delicious Massamancurry and I shared stories with Oscar and Iskender. Immediately I could tell them about my odd ideas about life and starting businesses like printing individualised toilet paper, haha.
“I like your way of thinking”, Oscar, the other guy paused dining – for a fractional part of a second it seemed like the world had stopped. And all of a sudden this deep sense of understanding filled the air.
Afterwards I was presenting Iskender my whole emotional life for two hours and he opened himself up as well. That night I drove home – knowing, that I had just made new friends. I was exchanging life perspectives with these guys I bumped into RANDOMLY.
Similar situations like this happened over and over again the last weeks… It was just crazy.
Why am I telling you about all this? As I told you at the beginning – I learned something VERY meaningful the last weeks from these situations, which happened unintentionally to me:
I don’t have to plan anything. I dont have to decide. I don’t have to force myself.
All I have to do is to “let go”. And in this way I finally agree with my friend, who I reminded on this hyper-optimization geek type of person.
Just by being “open” just by letting go and following my excitement (eating curry) a miserable day turned into one very fateful…
Part Two – The Coherence Between The Universe and “Letting Go”
“Believe in the universe”
This sentence is on my mind since a very long time. I talked to another friend on the phone the other day and he said. “Forget about the universe. You just have to believe in yourself.”
Well, I figured that it is important to consider every advice as potentially life-changing. But also I have to process advice to deeply comprehend it before I can relate to it.
So, tonight I figured out, that believing in the universe and believing in myself is exactly the same thing, which eventually leads to these incidents I told you about above.
Because “believing in the universe” just means, that it is already there. The universe is there, every desire is already fullfilled, if we believe in it. What is my desire? My desire is to make deep connections with people. My desire is to find friends and not to be alone anymore.
And what is believe? Believing means to accept everything that appears. Believe is to open up for every opportunity that appears. The opportunities are always there. We just have to see them/be aware of them.
And how can I open up? By “letting go”….
Letting go means – putting no pressure on my body and my mind – a very very long time I thought I have to force myself to do things. I have to force myself to excersice, I have to force myself to learn new skills, I have to force myself to get out of my comfort zone, I have to force myself to work in new jobs, to get to know people and so on and so on. I even thought I have to force myself to find purpose in my life.
I’m so happy, that I can finally (kind of) frame my thoughts and that I finally understood, that I DO NOT have to force myself…. It’s just one of these days, when I have this (illusion of) clarity.
What Else did I Learn?
1. Questioning is My Tool
Every sentence, that questions my thoughts and my way of thinking is helpful for me. Questioning things acutally is my tool. It is my tool to develop a new way of thinking. I can’t believe I didn’t realise it all the last years.
2. I’m My Own Teacher
“If the student is ready, the teacher will appear.”
This is also a quote haunting in my brain for a very long time. It turned out, that it manifested in my subconsciousness more than I expected. I always asked myself, who this teacher is? Again I thought I HAVE TO find the teacher. FINALLY I understood, that I am the teacher. No – I have to put it differently – the teacher is within me. I just have to let him/her/it guide me by – again – “letting go”.
3. The Difference Between Forcing Yourself and Taking Action
Taking action is – making the first step and than “let go”.
The last weeks I learned, that there is a difference between forcing myself and taking action. Of course I need some discipline, but if I follow my excitement everything will just happen. Like right now – I just let go. I follow my thoughts and they are like a flow of solutions. They are already there. They are in my body and in my mind. I don’t have to force myself. I just LET GO.
This morning I woke up with a concrete slab on my body – literally of course – otherwise I couldn’t sit here and write.
Since I’ve started with growthbuddy, I have started to re-think my life more intensively – yes “Uli-you-think-too-much”-friends, you read right…
And I have to admit: It’s not easy – I’m facing new abysses of my psyche everyday. So far so good, let’s jump right into the void (and stop being pathetic).
I was laying in my bed and like every morning I thought to myself “I could stay in bed or I could get up and make the most of the day.” The last weeks this decision process took a little longer.
So I stared into space asking myself, what it is worth to get up for. I felt demotivated and frustrated with a slightly tang of worthlessness. But there was this little voice inside of me. It whispered quietly but self-assured: “Come on, get out of here!” – “Aye, aye!”
Since years I’m reading books about personal growth, dealing with fears, productivity, living in the “now” – nearly non-stop or at least once in a while. The last couple of weeks I was watching a lot of TED talks of all these great people, who are changing the world and share their advice.
But today I realized, I’m not applying the advice to my own life – at least not enthusiastically enough.
“It takes a lot of reinforcement to incorporate new concepts into your behavior, so commit yourself to doing the exercises. The amount of improvement you experience will depend on how much you are willing to participate actively.” Susan Jeffers
All of a sudden I understood: In order to change my way of thinking, I have to change my behaviour actively. I really have to do the homework. Of course: Reading is good – sucking in all sorts of information is healthy, but it is only half the rent.
My Learnings Today:
I have to get active and actually work on my personal development. DO the exercises Tim Ferris and Susan Jeffers are talking about instead of postponing them, which makes me come to my second learning of the day:
I have to consider this personal growth thing including this blog – but mainly the growth action behind the scenes – as a business. My life-business. And it definitely has the same or an even higher significance than any other job.
The mind is like a computer. (according to Elon Musk;) And a computer can be rebooted, configured newly, updated or upgraded. Or you can just throw it out of the window. I don’t want to get rid of my mind – at least not infinitely – but I can definitely change my running system, if I really want to.
Also I understood, that I don’t know enough about my brain. Well, this is not necessarily a new insight. More importantly I understood, that I can change it. My goal is it, before getting more specific, I need to learn more about the prefrontal cortex and about Elon Musk. (Yes, he is one of my idols in terms of rationality and willpower.;)
The bath of self-pity is still warm and cozy. But I want to drain it down the tub. What am I talking about? Well, I want to find out, what is really hindering me from living a satisfying life, why am I always doubting my purpose? Where is the lack of self-confidence coming from?
My Next Steps:
defining my fears
learning more about self-love/acceptance
reading more about Elon Musk 😉 (Biography already ordered)
“Life becomes a Sunday afternoon; we ask for nothing grand, and we cease to demand anything more than we are willing to give. In that state we think of ourselves as being mature; we put aside the phantasies of our youth, and we seek personal and professional achievement. We are surprised, when people our age say that they still want this or that out of life. But really, deep in our hearts, we know that what has happened is that we have renounced the battle for our dreams – we have refused to Fight the Good Fight.” Paulo Coehlo
People, who make their dreams come true are commited to pain and suffering. They are willing to “fight the good fight”. They go out there. They accept the hard work of mastering challenges and overcoming obstacles.
I’m fighting for more self-confidence, less insecurities, anxiety and self-hatred. But in order to do this, I have to change myself actively – not only by reading and talking to people. But step-by-step I have to change my habits and reboot my system.
It’s up to me if I drink tea or coffee.
It’s up to me if I use the elevator or if I walk the stairs.
It’s up to me if I get wasted or if I go to bed early, because I’m fucking tired anyways.
It’s up to me if I buy a new phone or if I keep using the old one.
It’s up to me if I book an all-inclusive holiday or if I invest in experiences.
It’s up to me if I smile or if I put on the grumpy face.
It’s up to me if I communicate or if I just don’t stop bullshitting.
It’s up to me if I speak or listen.
It’s up to me if I let society set my goals or if I’m finding out, what this world really has to offer.
It’s up to me if I’m working on my own deficiencies or if I keep bathing in self-pity.
It’s up to me if I’m waiting for this fucking prince on his fucking horse or if I take responsibility for my own life.
It’s up to me if I listen to my inner calling or just to the call of duty.
It’s up to me if I swim with the stream or if I find my own flow.
It’s up to me if I complain or if I take action.
It’s up to me if I “do what men have to do” or if I learn to think for myself.
It’s up to me if I dream my life or if I’m living the dream.