This was supposed to be a threesome, but it turned out as a wholesome!? 😉
Here we go:
I’m experiencing mood-swings at the moment between gratitude for being alive – especially (!) in those turbulent times (chaos makes me move…) – and between heavy anxiety and doom mood that is nagging my energy.
Oftentimes I am easily irritable. Other times I start laughing for no reason – for minutes… To me it sounds manic, but the fact that I can phrase it seems to display a decent level of emotional intelligence. (Even though, to be really honest with you, I am not sure anymore how much of an advantage that is, but probably I will figure it out on the way;)
During the night I’m grinding my teeth, because my stirred-up mind is strenuously “sorting things out”. (Without telling me what it is actually doing?!)
When I wake up I still feel the cortisol and adrenaline levels in my cells….. F*ck…. I don’t know about you, but to me the energies right now feel INTENSE – and my physical body responds alike.
I find release during the morning walks or during my casual little meditation in the early sun facing the urban greenery in the park nearby.
Yes, these are my tools.
But I can’t silence my mind forever…
On a lot of days the black and the white of my thinking is narrowing my field of view like stone walls in a dungeon.
In those moments I feel trapped.
“Just make your thinking colorful,” I figured the other day. But HOW?
This question was roaming in the back of my head for days.
I tend to think black and white a lot. When I really think about it, my thinking generally appears to be more black than white.
Luckily, there are mornings like this morning today….
At 8 am I went to this little post shop café a few streets away. I have never been there – until yesterday, when I forgot my ID-card that I needed to pick up the small parcel I was awaiting.
I had to return this morning, so I combined it with my little walk. And what can I say? Some small incidents renewed my energy!
“Buenos dias,” I greeted this South American man accompanied by his son and his dog at the traffic light of an intersection. Surprised they asked me for my name. We continued speaking in german.
“We are going to join a soccer game now. You should enjoy the sun today, too.” – “I will,” I replied with honest happiness radiating from my heart – and probably from my face.
Our paths split, but I continued walking with a smile on my face. A few meters ahead I met another man waving at me from the doorstep of his bar. A bar most people just pass by while I was strolling delightfully; occasionally gazing the environment. There was enough time for another friendly encounter. This time it was just a smile.
A few meters further I entered the post shop to successfully pick up the parcel – another two big smiles of the guy behind the counter and the woman in front of the coffee-machine that served me a tasty “latte”.
I sat down in the fresh morning air, chatting with the man on the next table about this and that.
Do you know what? It made my day. This real-life connection to my surrounding. This appreciation of what is. This acceptance of where I am right now at this point in time.
“What if you were okay? What if you were where you are supposed to be at this point in time? What if you already are who you have desired to become for so long?”
These questions popped up in my head a couple of weeks earlier. They reappeared this morning.
I realized that I have colorful thoughts!
They are written in my notes. They are printed into my memory system. My head (and my notebook) is actually full of it. And I can create more of those thoughts just by acknowledging what is, just by witnessing my existence with all its appearances and by making the most of the tiniest moments….